Divorce

» tralala853 - future step sons are terrors!

My SO has 2 sons, 6 & 10, they both live with him full time and spend every other weekend with their mom. Since he works full time and usually overtime, a good portion of our time is spent together with the children, and I spend a fair amount of time alone with the boys either picking them up when Dad has to work late or taking one to a sports practice or game when their schedules conflict. The problem is that the boys are both very badly behaved. When I have both together, the older one will taunt the younger one until he reacts and then it's an all out hitting, punching and swearing war. It dosen't matter how many times I try to get in between them, they will not listen and they will not stop. The older one totally ignores me while the younger one mimics me, calls me names and basically disagrees with everything I say. They are both equally as bad with their father who yells and then ignores the situation. I know that he's at the end of his rope with the boys....I finally bought him a book on discipline "Smart Discipline" that I thought was good it was based on rewards for good behavior and losing priviledges for bad behavior. He has yet to pick up the book and it's been a month. I finally told him yesterday that he needed to find an au pair or sitter to watch the boys, I honestly can't take the abuse anymore. If he would just put a plan into place for me to follow, and if the children understood that there are consequences for their actions at least I would have something to start with. We do still live in seperate homes and I would not even consider living with him until he got those boys under control. Let me also say that the boys do know how to act....the older one has been student of the month, teachers and parents always comment on how polite he is. They are both in a martial arts after school program and are extremely respectful to all the instructors there. I don't even bother threatening to tell their Dad anymore, I just say I'll tell their Martial Arts instructor and they will usually get in line. Okay so here is my question....do I have a right to push my SO into setting limits for his children? Is it unreasonable to not want to spend time with children that are abusive to you? Don't get the wrong idea...I do care about the boys, I raised 2 of my own. Also for their sakes I think it's important for them to learn respect at home and understand limits in order to become good people. Am I overstepping my bounds?

-- posted by tralala853

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» mamaof4boyz1girl - future step sons are terrors!

In response to future step sons are terrors! posted by tralala853:

Unfortunately you will probably find that you are unable to "push" your SO into doing anything he does not want to do, but you can make your life easier by removing yourself from the babysitter role.

You are perfectly within your rights to refuse to do his parental running around if he works late. These are not your children and not your responsibility. Force their father's hand by making him take care of his own kids. It almost sounds like he is taking advantage of you, just a thought you may want to consider.

Life is hard enough without taking on someone else's problems.
Good luck to you!
Cyn

-- posted by mamaof4boyz1girl

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» celinecharlotte - future step sons are terrors!

In response to future step sons are terrors! posted by tralala853:

I totally understand where you are coming from, as my new partner is the same than yours, as in, let his kids completely take him/us over.Like you I don't live with him yet, firstly our relationship is very new, and secondly, till he learns to set his limits, with his kids, you will never have your place as the disciplinarian or else.
I have enquire over a parenting line,here in australia where I live, (I am french too so forgive my english..!) , and I was told that it is up to him to create the space and discipline and especially if you take care of the boys wihtout him (which I am yet to do), then he must tell them that YOU ARE in charge till he comes back.In which case you set up your rule while you are by yourself, it is your space, your respect, your life and your precious time.

I think the idea of the au pair is a good one, my partner has one (he is a widow) and he works full time, so she handles the kids, but I know he struggles with her using some discipline techniques.
He is very quiet with them, but bottles up, forgets himself on the way and during week end has basically NO TIME off for himself, it is all given to the kids. Which is not the way I raise my own kids. MIne are ten and 8 and they both have their space, respect mine with him when he comes home and no matter what if they misbehave they stay away from us !!!!!!

I know people say kids must be first and so on and so forth, but if you see, that he is willing to try new ways to handle his life with his kids, and adapt to you as a new addition go for it and keep the communication line ongoing.

I would not recommend you are the only one to discipline his kids, simply because it is up to him to do it first and then, bring you into it, otherwise he'll let all of this worry to you and it is not fair since you don't even live together!!MAybe once you are gone he could let them do what they like and you'd be back to square one.

You know with kids, consistency is the basis of all changes...

let me know your thoughts we can chat again

Celinecharlotte

-- posted by celinecharlotte

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