Stepchildren often feel left out of the decision making process of blended family preparation. This loss of control can manifest itself in feelings of dislike or hate.
Sometimes blended families have the unfortunate situation of strife, even hate, between stepparents and stepchildren. Is it possible to create a loving and stable home among such negative feelings? Yes, it is if the adult in the relationship is willing to step up and behave like a responsible stepparent.
Consider how the blended family came to be. Did the children take part in the courtship, decision making and marriage proposal? In most cases the answer would be “no”. Often times when two families blend the children are no more in control of their fate then they were when their parents divorced. They are defenseless victims to the choices their parents make.
Wait until children have had sufficient time to heal after the divorce of their parents. Consider their feelings before entering a new relationship and greatly increase the chances of stepchildren and stepparents bonding. To build a partnership with a person whom the children disapprove of or dislike will inevitably end in disaster. If the children are not given the opportunity to adjust to the split of their parents you can bet they will not be welcoming a new “friend” warmly.
What if the family has already been blended and the prior advice was not followed? It is a sad thing indeed when turmoil exists within a household. In a situation such as this it is up to the stepparent or adult involved to control the situation. They do so by not instigating ill feelings and seeking intervention when necessary. Stepchildren cannot be forced to love or like their stepparents. They are victims of the circumstances in which they find themselves and it is the sole responsibility of the adults to rectify the situation.
Without proper preparation before the blend of the families children can feel scared, suspicious, jealous, angry and unsettled by the change in their home life. Often times it is not even the stepparent that they really hate, but the injustice of the lack of control they have over their life and living arrangements. This feeling of loss often manifests itself by creating an angry, hateful child that is hard to love.
It is the responsibility of the adults in the household to bring each child to a place of healing, even if that means stepping back from the family and starting over again. Building a family takes time. A happy blended family invests the time it takes to make every member comfortable with the new relationship before marrying or cohabitating.
It is possible to love a difficult stepchild, especially if the stepparent takes a moment to consider the hurt behind the hate.
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