When adults enter a new marriage they may want to change the custody arrangements they share with their ex spouse, but is it in the best interest of the children?
Custody arrangements within a blended family can be complicated. What may have worked for you, your children and your former spouse in the past may not be as convenient now that you are remarried and have step children. The most important aspect in negotiating custody is to agree to a solution that is in the best interest of the children.
People tend to be selfish. They want to win. Those feelings must be put aside if you have chosen to parent. You may want primary physical custody of your children because you have a “new” family and you want your children with you more often. This is not a good reason for changing custody. Depending on the age of the child and the circumstances already agreed to a change in custody may or may not be desirable.
Two of the more common custody arrangements are:
50/50 splits are quite common and work well if the parents live reasonably close to one another and the children are between the ages of two and five. Before a child is two years old (i.e. an infant) the child should have one home base with which to identify. If the baby is breastfeeding that “home base” should be with its mother. If the baby is formula fed the father makes just as good a nurturer and could quite easily become his infant’s primary caregiver. After a child turns five and is enrolled in school it becomes very difficult to go back and forth between two homes. School work may be misplaced and communications between school and home become more complicated. Rather than having two homes (which sounds nice in theory) the child actually has no “home” but becomes a frequent visitor in two houses.
Every other weekend spent with the non-custodial parent. This has traditionally meant that 80% of the time is spent with mom and 20% is spent with dad every other weekend. (Sometimes this is reversed, most commonly with teenage boys). What makes this arrangement better is when the non-custodial parent is available outside of the visitation arrangement if the child needs them and the custodial parent supports extra visits.
Blended families that have conflicting visitation may consider changing the court order. This should only be done if the children agree and it is in their best interest. The relationship between the children, their stepparent and their step-siblings are secondary to the relationship they enjoy with their biological parent.
Put your negative feelings about your ex aside and do what is best for your child. You must remember that no matter what circumstances changed that ended your relationship, at one time you chose this person. You started a family together and you are the parents of a child. Even if you don’t particularly like your ex now, respect them as a valuable part of your child’s life and respect the custody arrangement that best supports the well being of the children.
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