Adult Children of Divorce: Children Who Are Over 18 When Parents Separate Are Equally Affected

It is commonly accepted that divorce has a developmental impact, and often a serious one, on teenagers and young children. The effect of their parents’ divorce on children who are already considered adults, though, is often dismissed. Adult children of divorce, or ACODs (AKODs, another common acronym, stands for “adult kids of divorce”), are often expected to be an “adult” and support their parents through the pain of separation and divorce. They may also be drawn into their parents’ arguments in ways that younger children might not be.

Statistics and Facts on Divorce

Studies indicate that the most damaging effect of divorce on children arises early in their adult life. Many children of divorce have trouble finding a mate and creating lasting relationships and marriages themselves. While some of these conclusions are contested, they tend to be taken for granted in the popular lexicon. What has not been studied is the long-term impact of divorce on children who were already over 18 years of age at the time their parents separated.

The following arguments are mostly anecdotal. They depend upon the testimonials of men and women whose parents were divorced when they were in their early to late twenties.

“You’re an adult. This doesn’t affect you.”

On the contrary, the separation of parents affects a child even if that “child” is an adult with a home and family of their own.

Many adult children of divorce report that, even though they never intended to use it, the fact of their parents’ stable “home” was a touchstone they knew they could always return to if they needed.

Becoming the child of a split household requires a rapid change in a person’s world view and the way they perceive themselves. It can shatter a person's self-image as one of the “lucky ones” with an intact family and parents who were and are happy together, and forces a reevaluation of an adult’s perception of their childhood.

In many cases, the separation of parents is accompanied or closely followed by the introduction of new stepparents and stepsiblings. This can be just as unwelcome to adult children as it would be to teenagers and infants – and not living together can make it harder to get to know the new “family.”

How Divorce is Complicated for ACODs

More even than learning to see their parents (and themselves) in a new light, adult children of divorce can be stressed by the demands placed on them by parents. In the trauma of divorce, parents can overstep the healthy boundaries of their children by treating them as supportive friends.

Leaning on an adult child as a confidant, badmouthing the other parent, using the child to carry messages between their parents, or telling the child, “You’re just like your mother/father!” are ultimately all abuses of the parent-child relationship (2), and can be detrimental to the adult child’s own healing and development. Most parents would never consider treating young children in this manner.

Parents who, after a divorce, begin to date may also confide in their children or depend on them for social advice and help. Many ACODs reporting how dismaying and frustrating this kind of conversation with their parents can be.

Help for Adult Children of Divorce

Counseling and psychotherapy can be helpful for adult children during their parents' divorce. There are also online support/discussion groups and websites created by adult kids of divorce, which can give a voice to the feelings and experiences of AKODs.

Citations:

(1) Jen Abbas, http://www.churchplantingvillage.net/site/apps/nl/content2.asp?c=iiJTKZPEJpH&b=849683&ct=1722613, accessed April 27, 2007

(2) Gillian Rothchild, http://www.committment.com/rothchild.html, accessed April 28, 2007

Jun 11, 2008 7:09 PM

Guest :

It's a high road a parent must take in order to keep their children's welfare first and foremost in mind when going through a divorce. It's a "big" parent who will hold his or her tongue regarding the other parent in conversation with their adult children if it is "really" about "you" rather than them. Sadly, I don't think there are enough mature parents who will actually practice this, I'm sure there are some, those children are the better for it.

Aug 16, 2008 9:56 AM

Guest :

I agree with the "holding your tongue" principle. Slander teaches children bitterness and blame - not self-control, grace, tenderness and taking blame. We just had our 22nd anniversary - we are somewhat happily married. Something our 18+ yr old daughter expressed a couple of wks ago has been on my mind ever since - that she "has more fun when out with just 1 of us at a time" - hm? - a cause for serious pause. I'm a lot like my mother was in her marriage - not too much "fun" - kind of a stick in the mud, but I think my daughter was refering to someting a little deeper. My husband very easy-going, wouldn't complain about me to save his life. But i think his easy-going personality is part of MY problem - there's no real 'take charge' in him - and it has left me a bit 'lost'. In any relationship there needs to be someone in charge, in leadership - and I'm pretty old-fashioned and feel as though I NEED that ldrship to function effectively, to know what to do. And right now all I want to do is be freed from this situation and it's very difficult. I'm 47 (I look and feel about 35) and am going back to work now that our daughter's off to college and I'm getting that awful itch to be single and stay single - not even to date - because I truly believe that it's possible that I'm not 'marriage material' - it's possible that I can't get past unrealistic expectations. It's very hard to be selfless right now - I wish it would pass, bit I'm pretty sure it won't. We have some memorable moments and then it will be weeks!!! before we 'get reacquainted' and the cycle is waring on us both. After so long I kind of 'forget' how to respond to him. There's not really anything to dislike about my husband and I feel sort of guilty even contemplating a separation.

Thanks for listening -

Aug 20, 2008 7:26 PM

Guest :

In response to the last comment... I have a couple of phrases I have become well known for, "sometimes you are committed to the committment" and "Love is a choice, not a feeling". I believe you should run as far as possible from the thought of divorce if you are not being abused or married to someone unfaithful. You Choose to love. Not "marriage material"! You've been married 22 yrs and you would throw it all away because you got the "itch" to. Be responsible, committed and set an example for your daughter that is worth her following. I don't mean to be harsh, but our society turns to divorce over nothing and it is totally unacceptable. If you cant be committed to your husband at this moment, thats okay. It happens to everyone at some point. Thats when you are committed to the committment while you are choosing to love.

Aug 22, 2008 11:52 AM

Guest :

For anyone who thinks the single life is an easy one, I have news for you. Society is still dictated by couples and I found that out while I was single for 6 years. Bowling leagues, dancing lessons, invitations to parties, going to the movies, out to dinner are all activities that are couple oriented. I’ve belonged to single’s groups and it’s sad to see middle aged people gathering on a Sunday afternoon to take in a movie, just so they don’t have to be alone.

Our adult children were pretty much awful to us when we moved forward in our relationship. Mine gave in first. My new husband's children wouldn't even watch us get married but looked the other way, like it wouldn't happen if they didn't seen it. Through patience, understanding and our continued invitations to all 6 of our children to functions at our home, everyone has pretty much settled in and are getting along with each other while being polite to my new husband and me.

There aren’t any cocktail parties, gatherings of wonderful people at a single’s dance or tons of wonderful men going to come out of the woodwork if you are looking for a date. It’s a whole different lifestyle. Although I did make friends that I will keep forever, I choose married over single any day. Sadly, I wasn’t given the choice by my first husband, but the one I have now makes my life richer and I thank God every day for sending him to me. I will never take marriage for granted.

Aug 25, 2008 10:40 AM

Guest :

I'm 34 years old. My parents separated when I was 9 yrs old, divorced sometime after that, got re-married and are both divorced from their 2nd spouses. I have a good relationship with both my mom and dad. After the separation I lived with my mom and then when I was 15 I moved in with my dad. My parents marriage broke up because my father was unfaithful, and I understand the hurt and pain that comes along with that, but shouldn't my mother be over it by now? She continues to speak badly about my father. It drives me crazy. Why does she do this? He doesn't speak badly about her. He wasn't the best husband and she wasn't always the best mother. People make mistakes. It's like she wants me to hate him. We could be talking about dinner and making gravy and somehow someway she finds a way to verbally attack my father. Then I feel like I should defend him because he's not there to defend himself, but I really don't want to be involved.

Aug 30, 2008 8:34 PM

Guest :

Hi. It is very refreshing to read the last 2 comments - (both in response to mine from Aug 16) - thank you! Your 'encouragement' is appreciated!! I do have a single friend (all her life!) and had the opportunity to stay w/ her a few weeks last year - her life is healthy and rewarding, but I must be honest and say that I would NOT wish the forever single life on anyone. It seems very lonely indeed. I believe very strongly that God intended for marriage to be a very important part of a society's stabiblity and, you're right, I have to considered my daughter and the impact my "giving it all up" would have on her and her future relationships.

Again, thanks so much for taking the time to comment. :)

And thanks again for listening again.

Aug 30, 2008 8:47 PM

Guest :

In resposne to the 34 yr old - talking very frankly about this to your mom might be a start. Don't wait for her to begin another slamming of your father, but at an appropriate location and time, YOU initiate the conversation and tell her how it effcts you and that you're having difficulty respecting her for giving you "ammunition" to think badly of your father. Her lingering bitterness toward him is causing her to exhibit poor judgment and she truly should not speak poorly of him in your presence.

Bitterness is very destructive. She may need some outside 'help' to finally get past it.

Be careful not to become bitter toward her. Be gracious and pray for her. But there is nothing disrespectful about discussing this matter with her.

Wishing you the best!

Sep 16, 2008 7:20 PM

Guest :

Hello. I'm a 24 yr old whose parents are just starting the divorce proceedings after being separated for a year after my father revealed he was having an affair. The last year has been extremely painful and complicated, with my mother relying on me heavily as I ended a long term relationship of my own and finished up a Masters degree. I have very little contact with my dad because I'm still so angry with him. When I contact him it is because for a fleeting moment I miss him. I don't know how to find balance between the anger and the missing him. I often get told that my parents' situation is "not about me" and though that is true to a certain extent, I find this a very difficult response to deal with. I often feel very isolated and misunderstood, and even angry at my own response, feeling like I've taken it all too personally.

Sep 18, 2008 9:37 AM

Guest :

I feel so very bad and guilty and need you good people for some advice: I am in the middle of divorcing my alcoholic, emotionally unavailable husband. I KNOW that I should keep my mouth shut and not involve the children (21 year-old son and 18 year old daughter)but something made me try and explain to my son today how I feel about alcoholism and why I had to take the decision. It didn't go well with him at all. He is under the impression that I try to influence him against his dad. I feel horrible, how can I mend this?

Sep 20, 2008 7:35 PM

Guest :

I can't believe I found this site. My husband (of 35 years) left me 11/07... we had problems, which he wouldn't get help for...then started a nasty divorce proceeding full of lies & 1/2 truths about me (I am contesting the divorce). We have a 24 yr old and a 19 yr old. They are both SO angry with their father and I am having a really hard time with this. On one hand, I keep trying to get them to resolve their problems with their father by talking to him not me about their grievances, but their anger is also hugely justified and being closer to me they want to vent to me. They also have a great fear of him. I think that, as young adults, they need to also know the truth and I try to be fair about it re: my part/his part. I feel as if I am responsible for EVERYTHING emotionally that they go through. Their father has not had them to his place at all (he has been in it since 1/08) he takes them to the movies or out to dinner, no relationship building, no sharing of feelings, no conversations about the divorce and only spends an hour or two with them. Now my oldest wants nothing to do with him. My youngest is trying to be so fair that he is going into denial. How do I maintain a healthy & fair balance by speaking the truth of what has happened yet letting them have their angry times and not making him out to be the bad guy? I do confess and have asked forgiveness for my part in this as it pertains to my kids... but this divorce stuff is really, really bad. I can barely understand/deal with it, how can I expect them to?

Sep 22, 2008 8:42 AM

Guest :

I've been committed to the committement for the last 9 years. Nine years ago, I was unfaithful. I confessed all and committed to repairing our marriage. But after about 5 years, thousands of dollars and countless hours in counseling, it became apparent to me that I could never be sorry enough, broken enough, remorseful enough, repentant enough to repair the damage. I decided to myself to endure the continual shame, beratement, and verbal abuse - admittedly I caused it - until my children were grown. Now the time is approaching. My youngest will graduate highschool this spring, 09. And I'm scared.

We will hit the 25 year milestone this fall. And the last 15 years have sucked... for both of us. I have hoped and prayed all along that we could restored.

Sep 28, 2008 11:22 PM

Guest :

If your husband is truly an alcoholic, your son knows this, and probably, if he has had many experiences with alcholics at all, especially his dad or someone else he is close to, knows at least a smidgen of what you feel without you explaining it to him. I am 32, my parents divorced when i was 18 and my mother still talks horribly about him to me, and I can't tell you how much it hurts. No one wants to hear bad stuff about their parent, EVEN IF THEY KNOW IT'S TRUE. In my opinion the best thing you can do is find someone else to talk to about your ex, and just let you kids know how much you love them.

Oct 10, 2008 11:20 AM

Guest :

I'm posting a comment in hopes of finding a way to appolize to the children of the man i was having an affair with, whom i've since married. I had been married 20yrs and divorce 7yrs because of repeated unfaithfulness from my husband, I knew the pain both as a wife and the mother of adult children. after being on the receiving end of that kind of pain I can't believe i let myself get involved with a married man knowing the lasting damage that would follow, and i'm more ashamed than i could ever explain. my current husband had been married 30yrs we were friends and i'd known him for 4yrs and knew he was miserable, we starting talking and it was like a train hit us from out of nowhere. Our affair (we'd never slept together, it was emotional) lasted about 3 weeks, when his oldest son saw me kiss him. All six of his kids were there to confront him when he got home, resulting in his son blacking his eye.he moved out that night He'd already seen an attorney a few days before his son saw us, the divorce took about a year. We continued to see one another throughout the divorce and married 6wks after it was final. He's had very little contact with his children although i continue to encourge it. I know they proably alway hate me, but I wish there was some way i could let them know how sorry i am, I'm not a horrible person, but what i did to them was so much more than horrible and i want very much to say i'm sorry. any advise?

Oct 11, 2008 10:08 AM

Guest :

Hi! We have been dealing with IKE down here the past few weeks and I have just now had the time to revisit this site. I want to reread the most recent posts before responding. I too am so glad to have stumbled upon this site! -- Please remebmer that good things can and should always result from negative situations - we just have to hang on and wait. -- I feel compelled to respond to many comments. Till then...please keep your chin up. :)

Oct 17, 2008 7:24 PM

Guest :

I'm a twenty five year old only child and my parents just finalized their divorce in August which started exactly two years ago. The information in this article was very spot on. Because of my age, I repeatedly told over by mother that the divorce should not be affecting when I tried telling her of the depression I was going through. I decided to start law school this past Jan. and moved to the other side of the country in order to avoid being caught in my parents bitter feud. However, because of the divorce and the financial expenditures that went along with it, my parents were not able to support me with school financially or emotionally through my first year. Instead my mother would call me just to berate my father through me while I was at school and tried to convince me that my father never loved me and would do anything to harm me if I tried to get between him and "the house". Anyways, alot of nastier things were said throughout that time and with the burden of the finances of school and the stress that I encountered being a first semester law school student, it all became too much for me and I ended up failing a course which led me to ultimately fail out of law school after just one semester. It's been a horrible and terrible hard year. I'm slugging it out and I believe things will get better, but I hope that parents who do get divorced when their kids are older do realize the effect that this will have on their older children.

Oct 20, 2008 9:40 AM

Guest :

I'm a distressed daddy's girl in need of help. My parents are just starting the divorce (after a 28 yr marriage) after my dad chose to be with the mistress he’d been having an affair with of almost a year. I was the one to find out about the affair and confronted him, his response was that the situation had gotten out of hand and he had no plans of leaving my mother. I have had no contact with my dad for over two weeks (when we had never gone without talking daily). I feel very misunderstood and overwhelmed with a lot of emotions. The last thing my dad told me was that he loved my mother and that I had taken the situation too personally. I don't know how to feel anymore and how to live my life as a young adult about to embark into my own marriage. There were so many plans, they've said that the only man in a woman's life that will not break your heart is your father, yet my heart is broken and my father is gone.

Oct 27, 2008 12:47 PM

Guest :

I am glad I found this site and to see that there are other AKOD's like me. My parents were married for 25 years before they divorced. I met my father's girlfriend a year before they seperated, and even though I knew about this affair, I didn't want to get in the middle of it. Keeping this from my mother was SUPER HARD! I didn't know what the right or wrong thing to do was. Unfortunatly, after a year, I couldn't keep it in anymore, but she found out anyway. I had an extremely hard life going on at the time of all this as well. Moved away from home for the first time, got out of a relationship, the family dog died, and my parent's were going through a pretty what would be nasty divorce. I started getting anxiety attacks and depressed from all the stress. It has been two years later and school is going well as well as my dating life. But I still feel the stress of my mother bad-mouthing my father. I feel like it is a major crime to talk to him or even see him. I've been telling my mother for years to please not vent on me. That I would comfort her when she needed it, but that I will always be her daughter first, before her friend. I am so scared of getting into a marriage of my own one day because of the anxiety I feel towards my parents. I really really really want to go to therapy for proffesional help.

Nov 3, 2008 12:35 PM

Guest :

I could really use help in this situation, although I certainly don't expect a lot of sympathy. I have been having an affair with a married man for over three years. I just broke it off this last weekend, after several weeks of agonizing back and forth. I'm heartbroken, and am still trying to parse out what happened.
Like one of the other posters, the married man that I was seeing started out as my friend as we worked together in a community service organization. And like the other poster, it was as if we got hit by a bus. I can honestly say that I have never felt this way about anyone else, and he has expressed the same feelings over and over again to me.
His marriage, by his own report, was a sham. His wife had a major personlity change right after the birth of their only child due to bipolar disorder. He put a great deal of effort into trying to salvage the marriage, to no avail. Then, when his daughter began to act out, he left a lucrative career to become the primary caregiver to his daughter. He has not slept in the same bed with his wife for 15 years.
He is very close to his daughter, and has done an amazing job of raising her and protecting her from the craziness in the house. She left for college this year. He had promised me from the start of our relationship, that he would leave after she went to school. But it has been several months, and she is having a hard time adjusting to living away from home, and he is paralyzed and terrified about what effect a split would have on her. And I'm not totally sure he is wrong--I had a terrible freshman year, and I know I would have been devastated in the same situation.
But I also know that at a certain point, children also want the truth. I don't mean the truth about me and him--as far as we know, neither his wife or daughter know about us. But I mean the truth about the relationship that no one discusses. In my own life, my parent's marriage was very difficult, but they portrayed it to us as if we were a happy family. When I became a young adult myself, I had a very had time coming to terms with the lie that I felt had been our family. Divorce is devastating, but so is living the lie of the perfect family when underneath, everyone knows the truth. In my mid-twenties, I even began to beg my mother to leave my father because I was so distressed by how unhappy she was, and how he treated her.
I am obviously not a disinterested party, but isn't the lie just as damaging as divorce?

Nov 5, 2008 6:26 AM

Guest :

I found this site in search of answers to my questions of whether to divorce when my only child is 18 or now or not. It seems there is no good time for a divorce as the impact/damage on the child is never going to be neglegible. Now thinking back, maybe I should have divorced when my child was a baby. Now he is 8 and has a strong mind about thing and very sensitive and emotional, I couldn't imagine the pain he will suffer if his parents slit up. But our marriage has never been a good one ever since the start and we have totally different/conflict personalities. More fundementally, I don't trust his fidelity and he probably doesn't trust me either. And we have conflicting financial management view as well. Although we both are willing to try and patch up for our child's sake and have been seeing counsellor, life is still miserable and I feel I dont have a partner that is my friend whom I can share and joy and pain, except things to be with our child. Is there any future of our marriage? Should i suffer the rest of my life because i dont want my son to suffer? My son will suffer anyway because we dont have a happy household. I can't even pretend to be nice to my husband any more. Is it better to end the misery and live a real life for all the three of us? I am very confused and indecisive...

Nov 10, 2008 9:14 AM

Guest :

I am looking for guidance. I am dateing a man with adult children who are married and have children of thier own, ages 19 & 24. My partner and I want to further our relationship and marry. His children are against any other woman(except the ex) being in his life. To the point of emotional blackmail. " I won't be around you or love you if you are with her" My partner has approached the subject numerous times but the idea is firmly rejected. He has been divorced 5 years - we are in our late 40's and I have no children. His children have never met me. My partner and I love each other very much but is this an unsurmountable problem?

Nov 18, 2008 8:55 AM

Guest :

I found this site in search of answers for my daughter. She is 19 and been dating a wonderful boy on and off for 4 years, all through high school and is now a freshman in college. He loves her and she loves him very much and we(husband and extended family) love him too. They have the potential of having a wonderful relationship and or marriage. I see a lot of great things in their relationship, but they still have a lot of growing and maturing to do. In time, it will come. Here's the problem. He breaks up every time when things between them get difficult or it happens near special times in their lives. He comes from a divorced family. His parents divorced when he was very young (4 or 5) His mother never says a cross word about the father, and I doubt he about her. But, he has never witnessed a marital conflict and doesn't know how to handle conflict with a loved one, (I feel). My daughter, on the other hand has witnessed a lot of fights, some pretty nasty ones to be frank. But, has also seen us kiss and make up and move on. She is very strong willed and can be a challenge. (I know, because I too have had many difficult arguments with her, geez I'm her mother!) Every "break" as they call it, breaks her heart and tears her up because she wants to work through their differences staying together and he thinks they need time and space to think things over. They do come back together and I feel there is improvement in the relationship and they're able to communicate more specifically. But, as a mom, this is very agonizing to watch your daughter go through all this hurt and pain. I love the kid, but, if this pattern is going to continue for years to come, I can't support this relationship anymore. Or am I way off and it's just be a maturity issue? Can anyone give me any insight that over time it can improve or should I coach her to never get back together? I've already encouraged her to see a therapist on whether to stay or go. And just to focus on herself and her goals in life and be happy with who she is and love herself. Because without that you can't love anyone else.

Nov 18, 2008 9:29 AM

Guest :

I found this site in search of answers for my son(20) and daughter(18). I want them to heal from the divorce but their father can't be truthful with them. He had a long term affair and got engaged 3 weeks after we separated (I found out about it. He is moving to another state shortly. He has denied everything to our children. They are so hurt that all their father can do is lie, that now either they avoid his calls or don't ask anything that he may lie about. As you can imagine, their phone calls are brief and difficult. How do I help them heal? They're welfare is what is most important to me. They know I would never leave them and they have a home with me always. They miss their dad or the image of what they wanted as a dad. Help!

Nov 18, 2008 4:06 PM

Guest :

I loved this article, I am a 20 year old AKOD and have been looking for help in dealing with it as it all happened very suddenly a few months ago. There were no faithfulness issues, and no abuse within in the relationship. I don't personally feel that just because feelings in a relationship have gone astray or because arguments can't be solved that those are good enough reasons to divorce. The lawyers are making things horrible, and what seems like a salvageable marriage, is being ripped to shreads by everyone else but the two people in the relationship. I don't know what to do to make them quit listening to everyone else (mainly my mother) and start listening, truly listening to each other.

Thanks for all your posts they have been very helpful!

Nov 19, 2008 3:12 PM

Guest :

why is it when it a divorce people hurt themselves?

Nov 21, 2008 11:59 PM

Guest :

I am 23, and 6 months ago (a month before my college graduation; a week before their 25th anniversary), my parents told me that they were getting a divorce. In two separate conversations, Mom told me "I don't love him anymore." Later that evening, Dad told me, "I wanted to wait until you graduated college." As though at my commencement I was endowed with an extra reserve of strength that would see me through this; as though graduation made me a real adult who didn't need parents; as though I could know this and still regard my graduation as a celebration of anything and not the end of everything.

While they told me, they didn't tell my siblings until 3 months later, so I was left to grieve silently and alone. Even when they told them, my brothers seemed to be sad only for a few days and then went back to normal.

I don't know how to express how sad and broken I feel. Everything feels unsafe now -- in the months since my parents told me of their decision, my younger sibling was in a terrible car accident, later had to go to the hospital again because of further complications (he is fine now), and my job interviews went terribly because I was too sad to focus. There was even an earthquake. I know rationally that these things aren't related, but it feels like my safety blanket -- my family as I knew it -- has disappeared, and nothing is right anymore.

I can't sleep anymore because I lie awake at night worrying about something terrible happening. My mom just gets frustrated with me when I share my fear and sadness. My dad isn't around much and worries about me anyway, so I don't want to add to his worries.

I want to crawl out from under this rock. I want to feel safe and happy and whole. But it feels completely impossible. I'm scared of living and I'm scared of dying. I'm stuck.

What am I supposed to do? Please help.

Nov 23, 2008 8:56 PM

Guest :

My children take their dad's side because I left and I had to leave the family farm house because it's where he works. He also has always bought their affection as he never had time to do things with them as he worked 7 days a week on a dairy and fruit farm and had a sepetate business with a apple packing plant. I can't compete and as far as my kids are concerned I'm stealing their inheritence. To make things worse because I did leave for another man who actually paid attention to me, my own siblings have nothing to do with me. Sometimes I feel like I should have stayed and been miserable because thats what was expected. I gave it 26 years and it would have been our 28th anniversary and we are still in this divorce.

Nov 26, 2008 10:27 AM

Guest :

Delighted to have found this site. I am only separated for two months now and still getting used to being alone. We were married for 25 years and have two wonderful daughters 25 and 20 both living away from home. My husband never had much interest in the girls and their lives ( too caught up in his own feelings and business) . They have only gotten a couple of text messages from him since he left. I have always been here for them and we have a very good relationship . I am worried that they will lose contact with their father altogether and come to blame me for this eventually. I don't bad mouth him and try to be positive and upbeat in their company. I have no contact with him and wonder what i should do for the best. Any advice??

Nov 27, 2008 3:13 PM

Guest :

I am 26 years old. My parents divorced when I was 21 and I still feel very hurt and distanced from my father even now. My dad was apparently battling with depression at the time. He started going out to the bars (which he had never done when I was a kid). He would get drunk and flirt with other women. My mom got a letter from a woman at my father's work saying that she was a happily married woman with a family and that she wanted to let my mother know that my father was flirting with her and wanting a relationship with her.

My mom called me the day after my 21st birthday at my part-time job to tell me that they were getting a divorce as soon as my sister graduated from high school which would be at least a month away. I was crushed. That night I went over to my boyfriend's house (now my husband) and weeped the hardest I have ever weeped. I felt crushed and abandoned.

I remember my mom calling me a few times and crying, wanting my comfort and support. I also remember confronting my father and asking why he was doing this. I "preached" to him about how this was not the way God wanted things to be (I grew up with a strong Christian faith). From then on I began a pattern of hating my father and distancing myself from him.

There were a few months when I was in college that I didn't have a place to stay, and I needed to move in with my father. My mother had just gotten remarried (happily to a strong Christian man who I love and respect). My father was even more depressed and was having health problems that were worsening. There would be nights I would wake up to the sound of my father sobbing. I was so scared. A daughter should never have to listen to her father sobbing. There would also be nights that he would come home late from the bars, hit the garage door with his car, and set the smoke alarms off with a burnt pizza in the oven which he didn't get out in time because he passed out too quickly.
He would also complain and yell about how he can't retire because mom would get half of his retirement and that wouldn't be enough for him to live off of.

At this point I felt like the adult in our relationship. I have felt like that ever since the divorce. I still only see my dad maybe 2 or 3 times a year and we live in the same town. I'm totally avoiding him. He doesn't contact me either except when his health is bad and he needs a favor from me.

It's really hard to see the light at the end of this tunnel. I hate feeling this way towards my dad

Nov 30, 2008 10:59 PM

Guest :

My parents, married since 1976, with 4 children including myself, had separated almost 4 years ago. There are so many details to their situation as I am sure there are to everyone's story. The key items to mine are:
1. Parents have argued for as long as I can remember (I am 30 yrs old)
2. Mother blames my father because of his drinking problem
3. Father blames my mother for her money spending problem
4. restraining order was effective for three years after my father was released from jail and has been withdrawn last December (2007)
5. Father has been living in a 26' travel trailer for the past 4 years while my mother and 3 siblings have been living in the house, normally
6. Father has been very careful with his boundaries due to not wanting to go back to jail
7. Father is legally blind (Leber's Disease: LHON since ~2002), was a truck driver for nearly 35 years prior to losing his vision
8. I am married and have been for 4-1/2 years
9. I'm afraid my parent's situation will eventually affect my marriage
I love my parents very much, although I feel that my mother is stalling on trying to move things forward, whether it be divorce, or whatever. My father has tried to arrange a time/place to talk with my mother, but she continues to deny the offer, saying that she's not ready. I have about had it with her not being ready. At this point I have gone down the path of not communicating with my mother because she is not doing anything to remedy or move the situation forward. My father is a good person, and so is my mother, but their stuck in a predicament which neither of them knows what the right decision is. I want them to just get a divorce and move on with their life, because the drama that currently exists is a burden on the entire family, including my own. I chose to stop communicating with my mother because I want her to do something. I guess you could say it is leverage. I really don't know what I am asking here, but I just want to be heard. The silence between my parents is killing me. I want them both to be happy, together or apart, it doesn’t matter. It is uncomfortable living in the same town and wondering if we are going to bump into each other and how we may respond. I've written my parents and told them how I feel, but I refuse to talk to them verbally about this due to past situations getting too emotional which I feel is a distraction, and frustrates the heck out of me. Thank you for reading my story. Suggestions appreciated.

Dec 2, 2008 2:03 PM

Guest :

I posted on this site a few months ago and while reading other people's posts often helps me feel like I'm not alone, I'm not entirely sure this type of space is helpful. Though it facilitates discussion, it is one sided since no guidance is provided, and no ways of coping are suggested. In a sense, I feel as though we all feed off each other, whereas I'm looking for some strength and encouragement to move forward in my own life. Further, though I realize the moderator is trying to be inclusive here, I don't believe that some of the posts above should have been allowed- especially from women/men who are the "other" or "third" partner in a relationship. Though I can appreciate that you have several issues that you need to deal with, a posting board dedicated to ACOD does not lend itself to your needs or problems; especially since many of us are grieving here because of people like you.

Dec 3, 2008 11:54 PM

Guest :

i will be 33 next week, my parents divorced after 30 years; and things definitely we never the same. i was 20 when my parents decided to separate and by 21 they were divorced. i have read all the threads, and i can say that i can relate to all the above situations wrapped up into one.

i have an older brother who is 36 who hates the world, a 31 year old brother who died of a drug overdose two weeks ago, and a half sister that is 7 from my father's 35 year old ex-girlfriend.

from agentina, my mother and father met in 1966 and were married in 1968. they both worked hard to save money and arrived here in his 21st birthday. they built a very successful company here together, and gave their all for a great life. because they grew up very poor, my father became a hard man who has always been caught up in appearance and material goods. when i was 13, my father was having an affair, which was completely devastating for us. but my mother forgave him. and tuffed it out for the sake of her love for him and our family.

my father was very ungrateful and one day at work, he was unforgivably rude towards my mother and that got the ball rolling. my mother slept downstairs for a few months cause she felt he has no authenticity in his apology. my father said he wasn't going to stop living his life and started going to dance clubs almost nightly. he met a crazy 27 yr old woman and filed for divorce. after 5 years, he broke up with her while dating another 30 yr old; who he has been with for the past 5 years. yeah...

needless to say, the past 10 years of my life have been the saddest time of my life. and it was and still is a messed up divorce arrangement. the whole thing! ugly, sad, complicated, destroyed dreams. my two brothers and i have all bore the pain in completely different ways. my older brother became bitter towards the world, does not believe in religion, just plain unhappy. while my beautiful younger brother who had a zest for life, was kind, patient and incredibly talented and smart...was silently shattered. i do not blame my parents divorce or my parents for his death, all i can say is it is very sad for all of us.

you chose how you see others; chose to see them in a unconditionally loving light and they will become that of how you see them. we all stink at times! i hope that people can learn to let things go, remember the love, chose to be happy with your life, appreciate eachother, and never let eachother go. be the change.

Dec 4, 2008 7:28 PM

Guest :

"There are also online support/discussion groups and websites created by adult kids of divorce, which can give a voice to the feelings and experiences of AKODs."

PLEASE list the website(s) for this if they do exist. I, like many people here, can't find anything, and this is not an adequate arena for seeking support. THANK YOU!

Dec 5, 2008 6:50 AM

Guest :

For the most recent posts: Divorce hurts the entire world - and the hurt that it drops on the immediate family - especially the children - is always devasting no matter the children's ages. There is a unique security in healthy, and somtimes even the not so healthy marriage. Divorce for whatever reason can be become a blessing to the children - and it's a plus when there's trust already established in one of their parents. That parent will not be the one who maligns the other. The parent that maintains the trust of their children will be the more stable parent. The ideal situation would be where there's trust in both, but this is rare.

Remember that you still have a life to live - allow that life to live through a moment of pain over a situation between 2 people who have made a decision. You have to view it as simply that - a decision. This is not to say that it is right or wrong, good or bad - and it IS a decision from which YOU should learn brings about choas. Marriage and family are never to be taken lightly. YOUR feelings are never to be taken lightly.

>>> But YOU now have a decision to make for YOURSELF. Will YOU move on - with or without your parent(s)? Without anger? Without bitterness? Without regret? Without guilt?

Emotion can be a stumbling block. Move on with confidence that YOU have a life to share with the world! Make it a life that YOU proud to share! YOU are responsible for YOU fisrt - this will make ALL the difference in the responsibilities you choose to make a part of your future - a wife/husband, children, your job. It will make a profound difference in the way YOU treat others - even your parents. Love yourself first - and extend an even greater attitude of grace and love toward those in your periphery. It requires a staying power that will balance and stabilize you emotionally.

YOU have every right to enjoy YOUR life!

IKE really has been a distraction for me - it is nice to be able to rejoin the conversations here!

Never be ashamed of your feelings.

My best to you all -

Dec 5, 2008 8:17 AM

Victoria Anisman-Reiner :

Further resources that might be useful to those seeking support and discussion:

Livejournal: http://community.livejournal.com/adultsofdivorce

Sue's Adult Kids of Divorce page lists several other resources: http://www.angelfire.com/sc/GoddessSue/

Dec 26, 2008 3:37 PM

Guest :

My ex of 26 years left me for his best friends wife (she - interestingly filed for divorce just before my ex told me he wanted someone who would do what he wanted....)
Our adult son was beginning to adjust until the two married soon after her divorce was finalized and after our son became engaged. Things were starting to adjust again when son and wife were expecting and the stepmother decided she wanted a baby so now at age 42 she is expecting.
I choose not to see his father or be near him (my mother in law and I are close) until I finish healing; and I will not talk about his father as I am still full of anger and disgust. Son is angry I think at both of us... I have asked him to see a counselor - as I have. I don't know how to talk to him anymore - we used to be able to talk about anything.
He chose to 'park' at mine and his grandmothers home but when it comes to my beautiful baby granddaughter I am constantly chastised-- I don't hold her right, I don't speak to her right, everything I do is wrong - it is to a point where I wonder if he would be better off staying at his fathers as the stress is too much when I have to walk on pins and needles....any advice????

Dec 29, 2008 4:36 PM

Guest :

So much similarity ... My parents divorced when I was four and neither of them were active involved parents for me. I found a mother in my high school girlfriend, and continued seeking mothers afterwards. Met my wife at 26, we've been married now for 20 years (a record in my family), and we are seriously considering divorce in '09 after the youngest graduates high school. I love her as a mother to me and our children, and respect her many fine qualities, but I haven't had sincere intimate attraction for her in years. Our sex is a joke. We both need something Real and my departure seems inevitable. Especially as the trust is broken: I got all infatuated with another woman and never told my wife (who would?) but she found out, I never touched her, but I did lend her money and tried (unsuccessfully) to hide it, I've since kept my distance but the fact is, I am seeking the next new woman whether I mean to or not and my wife cannot trust me. She in turn needs certainty I cannot provide, and I (apparently in midlife crisis) need the adventure and self-discovery that my social dysfunction prevented me getting as a young man. So the die is very nearly cast. I am thankful we have two strong well-adjusted kids whom we will always treat as our children and not as marriage counselors. I'm glad I never actually cheated. I look forward to the freedom, and I dread it, as I have never been functionally single before. Anyway, it is all of a pattern, and my focus will be on my kids being able to make improvements to the model they were given just as I made improvements to the model I was given.

Feb 3, 2009 9:20 AM

Guest :

Hello,

I was very glad to find this site. I am a 25 year old student in medical school, and last week my mom called and informed me that my father asked her for a divorce. I am in school hours away from my parents, but I get a call from one or the other or both everyday. This has immediately affected my life, my schoolwork and rotations, and everything. I am recently engaged to be married myself, and I now realize that I don't even know what a happy marriage is! I am much closer to my mom than to my dad, and my dad (who never called me) keeps calling me to make sure I don't hate him. He reminds me that he pays my tuition and will pay for my wedding. My mom keeps telling me personal things about what she thinks my father is doing, and how he's planning to leave her destitute, but he assures me this isn't the case. I wish they wouldn't put me in the middle. I wish they weren't getting a divorce, and I wish they would have waited a year for my wedding and big graduation to be over before splitting up. Are we just a family of selfish people? My brother, who is 7 years younger than I am and is in his senior year of high school, is taking this very hard and won't talk about it to anyone. He's planning to attend college far from home now, and says that he won't be attending his high school graduation in June. My family is falling apart, and I'm taking this really hard. Any good advice on what I can tell my parents without jeopardizing my relationship with either of them? How can I help my brother?

Thanks,

"Jane"

Feb 4, 2009 11:32 AM

Guest :

I am 22. I am a senior in college and got engaged to be married last summer. I found out the day before Thanksgiving 2008 that my mom fell in love with another man and had been seeing him on the side. She told my dad the day after thier 30th wedding anniversary a few weeks before Thanksgiving. My mom never came hjome while I was home for the holidays so I wrote her a letter to tell her how I felt. She called me and yelled at me telling me that I judged her so I apparently am not allowed to have feelings or express myself according to me mother. I hate her. My father moved out this past weekend and the same day my mom's new boyfriend moved in. I told her I do not want him living in our house that I am uncomfortable with this and need time. My 14 year old brother is there all the time and says that the household dynamic is awkward. My brother has a learning disability and few freinds. I am afraid he will start acting out and my mom will ignore all warning signs. I also feel guilty about planning my own wedding, my family is getting smaller by the day because of this and my school work is suffering because I can not sleep or concentrate. Luckily my fiancee is supportive and knows that I would never place myself in a situation like my mom did, but my wedding is still going to be awkward and I'm not sure if I want to invite my mom or if I will even attend her wedding if she marries this new boyfriend.
Thanks for listening. Any advice?
"Vanessa"

Feb 5, 2009 8:33 AM

Guest :

I am the oldest of three children and will turn 30 next month. My husband and I live with my parents who have been married 32 years as we have recently returned to the Uk after living abroad. We came back from work yesterday to find that my mother has left. She is refusing to speak to my dad or my brother and sister, but has told us she is having an affair - but claims she isn't living with him. I am full of hatred towards her after seeing my dad in the state he is in. He isn't abusive towards her and doesn't drink - he gives her everything she wants. It is now up to the children to pick up the pieces - my sister has been off work to help and my brother is trying to finish his finally peices of work for his degree which are due in this month. I just can't see how we can cope - and we have no one to turn to for support.

Feb 8, 2009 8:51 PM

Guest :

I have been summoned to appear in my parents divorce hearing this week.
My parents began having problems that were visible to me about three years ago, but I chalked it up to the whole empty nest thing as my younger brother was just moving out of the house. This past summer they spent their 32nd anniversary separated. My mother has done everything in her power to sever my relationship (and my sibling's) with my father including attempting to push photos of his adultery on me. She states she has proof that he has been with another woman on nights that I know he has slept in my spare room. Our relationship has suffered horribly & I am questioning my own character & marriage. Up until now, my relationship with my dad has been relatively normal: we don't discuss the elephant in the room & pretend that it is normal that he comes to visit & spends the night (totally weird). My father's attys initiated the summons as they say it is imperative that they prove my mother is trying to undermine my relationship with my father and to testify that there were evident problems with their marriage before the other woman my mother has identified even met my father. What do I do?

Feb 14, 2009 8:58 AM

Guest :

My parents have been married for almost 28 years. As a kid growing up I was the only one to still have parents married, but also still in love and affectionate towards each other. Over the past few years they have been falling apart and I have become a shoulder to lean on or vent to. I am 22 years old with a 27 year old brother. They announced to us they were officially divorcing and have an appt with a lawyer next week. They're already in a lot of debt so expect to have to file bankrupcty and lose the house (they wouldnt make enough if they sold it and go their separate ways. My parents have been paying for my college, I still have a 2.5 semsters left and they told me I need to get a loan of my own and pay for school myself. I have several health problems and have been unable to work full time in years, so getting a loan won't be easy. Even though I knew the divorce was coming, sitting down as a family and making it "official" has broke my heart. I feel like since I'm an adult, I need to grow up and not act "like a child" about it. Also, I am resentful towards my father for many reasons leading up to the divorce and don't expect to ever have a close relationship with him and fear my mother is going to fall to pieces since she is already severely depressed and on disability for a back injury, so financially she will struggle WAY more than my father. I feel like there is a lot of pressure on me to help take care of her and I don't feel like I can handle all that stess right now, I have already been taking care of her for years through her illnesses. I feel guilty for feeling all of this. My question is... any Adult Child of Divorce.. How do you know when it's okay to let a parent lean on you and when to take a step back for your own emotional well being??

thank you

-Ambellina

Feb 17, 2009 6:45 PM

Guest :

Well add me to the statistics....never thought it would happen but I decided to step out on my wife after years of internal unhappiness. I didn't express my unhappiness as loudly as I should have I guess or she chose to ignore it. There was always something more important and we focused on raising two great boys who are now 20 and 24.
My infidelity was found out and she cannot get past this in order for us to fix it...and to tell you the truth I'm tired of living with someone I haven't really loved for many years.
Tonight we told them over the phone that we were seeing lawyers and separating. They are both hurt but were making mature assurances of their love and support for us both.
I appreciate finding this site because it makes me realize that they are still children at heart (as we all are) who will be hurt and deeply affected by this and I must be there for them too....it is about them too and I must remember that. We had already decided on maturity and dignity and established the no bad mouthing thing.
We are going to divorce using collaborative law and hoping this can work and lessen animosity.

Feb 20, 2009 6:21 PM

Guest :

I am a divorced father of three adult children including a 20 year old son who "chose"' to leave with my ex wife one day in April 2007. Chose is in parentheses since he really didn't have a choice as I didn't know they were leaving and thus had no input into providing choices for him. Despite overtures to my ex to discuss providing the right messages to my son so that both parents are involved in his life she cannot bring herself to do so. Thus my son remains angry and distanced from me. He had to keep the secret that his mother was going to leave me to himself. What a burden to put on an 18 year old. There was no infidelity just unhappiness I guess. No forwarding address was provided and although my son remains in the community near where I live and I see him occasionally he continues to blame me for the breakup. His self esteem has suffered greatly. I feel helpless and can only continue to be patient and as supportive as I can.

If I have any advice for divorcing parents of any age child including adults it is that despite all the anger and upset that comes with the divorce the most important parties in a divorce are the children and they need and are entitled to the love and support of both parents. They should not be used as pawns in a power struggle.

Mar 3, 2009 11:18 PM

Guest :

I see myself in so many of these... I kept wondering if that was my mother or sister posting until I saw the age didn't match up.

What does one do when one of the parents really is in the right and the other is in the wrong? My father used to be a good person, but he developed a drinking problem. We finally got him to admit it and get help, but it took my mom moving out of the house to get him moving. I was in college by this point. Despite my father's drinking problem, my parents still had a pretty strong relationship. They ran a business together and talked on the phone several times a day. Neither of them thought of themselves as separated; they both just knew that he needed space to beat his drinking problem and that we were going crazy thinking we could do anything about it. But then the real problem happened. Suddenly his entire demeanor shifted and he became more distant from my mom. You guessed it: cheating. And with a girl 20 years younger. He became this selfish, emotionally abusive monster who bears no resemblance whatsoever to my Dad. He lost his (very good) job, but refuses to get another one at the same level because he would have to ditch his girlfriend. He was, and largely still is, our sole means of support. He uses this as a tool to manipulate the kids (the youngest of whom is 18) into talking to him.

My brother and I refuse to talk to him anymore and have pretty much accepted that our Dad is dead, but my sister is very easily guilted into feeling bad for him. She has always had a soft heart and been easy to push around and he knows it. Considering all the horrible, horrible things he has done to all of us in the past year, it very much hurts and angers me that she keeps talking to him and keeps slipping into feeling sorry for him. We need to stick together, but her actions are upsetting everyone and enabling him. What the hell am I supposed to do?

Mar 10, 2009 12:32 AM

Guest :

ive just been informed today that my dad and step mom are getting a divorce. and well im 19 and literally just met my dad for the first time in january of this year. ummm lets just say the beginning and the middle of my life seem to be a huge flop and im now at the piont where i really dont care. i moved away from everything to be with my dad only to find out that he finds no problem in looking up russian mail order brides and seem to have no affection towards my step mom who take time out of her super busy chedule to get to know me but my dad doesnt want to seem to take the time out of his schedule of sitting around the house to get to know the only son who really wanted to get to know him. i have a half brother that ive never met but from what ive heard my dad screwed up there to. i dont have any friends to confide in down here and the ones fbk from where im from i really dont want themto know about the fact tht i moved from one messe up situation to another. so the only thing i really ihave rite now is my thoughts in my head and well thats not going well either. let me know your thoughts on thing!

Mar 13, 2009 11:49 PM

Guest :

Hello,
I found this site looking for something to help me cope with my divorce. It was a hard one, one I didn't want and I have an adult son with children. I have been divorced for sometime and still have feelings for my X (rejection, and anger). He left me for a friend of mine.
My question is how do I share my grandchildren with my X's new wife, we were friends for years. I don't want to hurt my son but it hurts me to think that she will get to have them too. I really want to get over it any advice out there for me. I want to move on.

Mar 17, 2009 12:33 PM

Guest :

My father left my mother 3 days after xmas 2007 - 15 months ago - they are 82 and have been married for 61 years . my father is now living with a youngish woman - about 50 i think - who had been living in a bedsit and was and continues to be unemployed , they had been having an secret affair for about 12 months. The fall-out has been awful and i,m absolutely furious with my father and dont know what to do with my anger . I feel really upset about the fact that he expects me to pick up the pieces when he knows i have had a stress related illness for some time.Im also furious that my parents have gone from being fairly wealthy to not very well off because my father has spent a LOT of money on his girlfreind - money that my mother has earned and worked hard for all her life . my sister absolutely cannot even mention it and the grand and great grand children have been left confused. The whole thing is a complete mess.

Mar 20, 2009 6:54 AM

Guest :

Hi everyone. My father left my mother after 40 years of marriage...he did it in a horrible way - telling myself and my sister before actually breaking the news to my mom. And things have deteriorated from there. My sister and I barely speak to him now.
Although I am incredibly distraught over the "death" of my family as I once knew it, I have to admit I am also a bit relieved. I always thought my parents were the gold-standard of relationships and that I should strive for what they had together. How wrong I was. Before they split, I was actually questioning my own marriage because my wife and I didn't seem to intertwine the way I thought my parents did. Now my marriage is stronger than ever (in part due to supporting each other through this ordeal) and my parents despise each other. It was almost like someone lifted this big weight off my shoulders because I no longer had these expectations heaped on me, about having the "great" marriage my parents did.
The other "positive" that has resulted from the split is that my wife and my mother get along so much better. Has anyone else had this experience? Whereas before the split my wife had some tension with her mother-in-law, after the split my wife and mom seemed to bond...although initially their favourite topic was bashing my dad. This left me feeling completely torn - I was delighted to see my wife and mom getting along, but I felt guilty sitting there and allowing them to rip my dad to shreds (altho he deserved it in many instances - for his infidelity, money-hoarding, etc.).
The comments about ACODs above, and the blogs, are completely bang-on -it is a very difficult, very confusing, almost surreal thing to go through. I feel for all of you, and my heart goes out to that last blogger with the 82 year old parents...I hope you're coping ok and keeping your chin up.
All the best to everyone.

Mar 21, 2009 12:19 PM

Guest :

Wow - this is a powerful site! Thank you for sharing.

I am 26 and an ACOD. My parents got divorced when I was 18, a freshman in college. My parents never fought, etc., but were not happy. At first hearing the news I thought "good, they will be happy now". I didn't think about how it would affect me. For me dealing with it left me drinking, etc. too much, having clingy relationships that ended poorly, not being able to trust people, and forgetting to care for myself(really really important).

I am still in therapy (on and off 9 years!). I am learning to set boundries, have a relationship with both parents, understand the resulting confusion, stunted emotional development and depression/anxiety I often feel.

I was touched by the writings from the 20-ish group (I am there!)I feel and felt the same way. My advice:
1. Go to therapy (if you can, if you are at college you can get some good services free/minimal cost). Therapy is not a quick fix, but something to help you grow - and it hurts, but worth the healing! Make sure you feel some type of connection with the therapist - if not, not the right one, find another.
2. Read a book about the grieving process. You need to greive the loss (there is one called Rebuilding: After your relationship ends, by bruce fisher. It is for divored people, but does a good simple job of recovery). Any book generally says the same stuff about grief - processes with steps.
3. Share your parents divorce with people - and try to connect with people in similar situations. I talk to selct ACOD friends and it is a good way to not feel alone. You might relate to some stuff, you might now. YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO FEELS "ICKY" and you need to connect with people to heal.
4.Learn to set boundries with your parents. You don't need to fix them, or make them happy. That is their job. You need to keep yourself well. Learn phrases like "it sounds like you are having a hard time", "I am sorry to hear that" "let me give that some thought" to stop converstions and move on. You are not their therapist, and trying to be will make you miserable. Take note of when you feel anxious talking to them. Reflect and see if there are nonjudgemental ways to change conversation or the situation (I won't do certain things with my mom becuase I feel trapped - long drives)
5.Your parents divorce doens't mean you can't have a wonderful relationship. You are a very special person - you are not your parents.

XO 4 healing!

Apr 1, 2009 3:59 PM

Guest :

Im almost 20 years old and i hate when people say that because im older and can understand the situation more that it shouldn't affect me. Well how can it not affect you when you find out that your father who you looked up too has been cheating on your mother for 3 years and is dating this woman on the side. My mother is a wonderful woman who has a full time job and is also going to school. Last January, my father moved out of the house and my mother and i had no idea what was going on. That was an extremely hard year.It was hard because i grew up in this small town and still live there. All the good times we had and all the fun. Everybody knows everybody. My father is well respected in the community and it is so embarrising. I had to be there for my mom as she tried to figure out how she could save her marriage because she doesnt believe in divorce. I blamed myself. I thought he must not love me any more because Im not doing well in school or I didnt turn out to be the daughter he thought I would be. Financially, it got harder. He didnt kick us out of the house or anything like that but it was still the thought of it all. When it all came out in the open that he was seeing this woman i didnt know what to think. My mothers faith grew stronger as she prayed and prayed for strength. They have been talking about divorce for a year and a half and nothing. They finally got legally separated but he is still putting it off and putting it off. It kills me to see him and her together. The hardest part is seeing what it does to my mom. She is so strong but it is still painful because none of this is fair to her. Even as a sophomore in college, it still affects me and my relationships with my wonderful boyfriend. I'll snap sometimes or think he's comparing me to past girlfriends because i hear my mom do the same. I know understand why young children often have hard times developing relationships. You look at everything with a "jaded eye". But even at 19 1/2 it can still be unbearable. Sometimes it almost harder when all you've known for 19 years it gone in a snap. I guess i just needed to vent a bit. Thanks for everyone for all the advice. My one little piece of advice would be try to find the light through the darkness. If my dad and this lady end up together, i will have an adorable little stepbrother.

XOXO your not alone

Apr 13, 2009 2:40 PM

Guest :

I'm so grateful to the poster of March 21st 09, that's some great advice. I don't have any friends whose parents are divorced and still alive so reading these posts has made me feel less alone - I don't want to call on friends for sympathy when they would give anything to have a mom or dad that they could moan about! Thanks for sharing. It's hard for everyone involved in a divorce but I think there are two reasons why it's hardest for children of all ages: 1) there's no sense of "ownership" of the process (you have no say over how and when it happens) 2) the conflict between loving your parents, and being angry with them and having people you love hate other people you love is mindblowing stuff. Plus it's not just little kids who think it's their fault - all the old cliches are true! You think you should be able to deal with this "complicated stuff" because you're an adult. But give yourselves a break (I wish I had), why on earth would you be able to? And give your parents a break, why would your divorcing parents know how to behave for the best unless they learnt it from their parents divorcing? A surprising positive outcome for me is that if my parents hadn't admitted their marriage wasn't ok (as they had pretended) then I would still have a false idea of what a healthy marriage looked like. I also wonder if I would have ever got to really know them as individuals if they'd stayed together. Of course I'd rather they'd done things differently but that's a couple of silver linings anyway. I agree with the advice to go for therapy, but DO make sure you have friends to support you as you go through it because it can make you face up to some powerful stuff. It's not an easy option by any means. It will make you stronger though in the long run. Also look at the following websites which can help deal with or defend against depression (that can go with being an ACOD):
http://www.findingoptimism.com/blog/
http://www.moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome/new/splash free tool for cognitive behavior therapy
http://www.mind.org.uk/
Good luck. x

Apr 16, 2009 4:19 AM

Guest :

This is such a wonderful site! I am also 22, my parents have been married for 27 years, and my dad just left my mom a week ago today. At first I was furious for his decision. How can you leave a relationship that you worked so hard to create? But after talking to my dad for 2 hours yesterday, I really just want to understand and love him. I feel guilty that I am not "hating" my dad like my mom is. I feel that I am betraying her!
My parents just have my sister who is 25 and I for children. My sister and I are really starting to feel the same way on the situation, but I almost feel like I am not being sympathetic to my mom like I should be. Did anyone else have this problem with their parents?
When my dad left, he said that he moved in with a "friend." He later told me that she is a really great woman and she is not out to hurt my mom, sister, or I. I really don't want to hate this woman, but I feel like I am betraying my mom by not automatically hating her.
I am sorry if this is kind of jumbled together, there is so much I want to understand, but I guess these are my first confusing issues. Any words of advise would be Much Appreciated. Thank you!

Apr 16, 2009 4:52 AM

Guest :

I was informed yesterday that my parents have decided to divorce. It's been mentioned in the past that they were contemplating it but nothing ever came about. The first time was 10 years ago.

I've always known they haven't been happily married. I've always explained to my friends that I thought they were just comfortable and didn't want to leave that comfort zone they had spent 26 years creating.

After the news from my Dad yesterday I feel like my whole life is crashing down before my eyes. I'm 25 and live at home with my parents and my youngest sister who just turned 17 on two days ago.

I think I feel hurt by the situation. I've never had a good relationship with my Mom. I've tried going out of my way to spend quality time with her, like taking her away on trips but nothing ever changes. This morning as I was sitting in my room I heard her saying goodbye to my sister. I waited to see if she would come in to say goodbye to me and she didn't. I even went out to the kitchen to see if she would say anything and still nothing came. I suppose I could have spoken up before she walked out the door but I feel like I'm always the one making the effort.

Both of my parents are wanting my sister to move with them once the house sells. I know my sister is leaning towards living with my Dad which I know is going to break my mothers heart. I worry that she wont be strong enough to get through this. My Dad has said that I'm more then welcomed to come live with him once the house sells. I've been ready to move out for awhile now I just figured I would do a little bit more traveling before I had to settle down. I'm worried for my sister that she's going to get caught in the middle. My Dad has told her that she's under no obligation to live with him but she knows it's the best situation. My Mom is bribing her with the idea of getting a dog once she gets settled (She's always hated animals)

I worry that once they go through with this divorce I'll basically lose any relationship I had with both my parents. My Dad's a homebody and doesn't like going out very much and well I couldn't even see my Mom calling me to say hi unless she needed something. What are the holidays going to be like?

I HATE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry about this long rant that probably doesn't even make sense. I just needed to get some thoughts out of my head. I haven't told any of my friends yet. I can't bring myself to do it! If I tell people that means it's a reality...

Apr 16, 2009 7:16 AM

Guest :

Hi. I dont know how to deal with my situation. My parents are splitting, my mother threatens to leave, will go and stay with a friend and my dad cries on my shoulder. This happened and then everything seemed fine for a couple more months, but the situation has reared its ugly head again and seems quite serious as my mom has told some of the family members. I have been staying with my boyfriend and his family for a few days as I dont want to get in the middle as I am extremely sensitive and feel like I need to fix the situation but can't. I am meeting my mom tonight to talk about what is happening because I believe that I have a right to know what is going on. Im struggling though. What can I do....I feel as though I am going to freak out!

Apr 21, 2009 2:00 PM

Guest :

I'm 30 years old and engaged. My father has struggled with depression and social anxiety his whole life. He was spoiled as a child and because he didn't get a nice condo and new car when he turned 50 he has decided to change the only thing he can in his life and leave my mom with all the old, broken down stuff and expects her to pay him off so he can go live the "goodlife". He thinks that if he says mean hurtful things to her in hopes that she will just get so pissed off that she will sign the divorce papers to get him out of her hair. He has gone so far as to camp out in the driveway in his RV for the past 4 months instead of getting an apartment.

Well, he finally slipped up and admitted to me that he has been cheating on her. That is all she needs to get an attorney and take his sorry butt to court.

I'm so tired of him bad mouthing her and telling me that he will do anything and everything it takes to piss her off so she will sign the papers with out an attorney.

I know I have taken sides and I'm to the point that I would go into court and tell them that he confessed. It would destroy my father and his side of the family, however I don't think anyone understands how mentally ill he has become. I dont feel that my mother, a positive do gooder should have to pay him off after all the support she has given him.

Apr 24, 2009 12:29 AM

Guest :

I have had a very disturbed childhood. My dad is physically impaired and my mom is not from a very well to do family, but a very respectable family who always sticks to their principles. They have been married for some 26 years now of which i think only 10 yeras were at peace. Later my uncle got married n everybdy was very partial towards my aunt. everythn that was a big no for my mom became a big yes for my aunt. And my aunt is an evil bitch. she led to partitions in the family. even my grandmom chose to stay with my uncle and aunt and abdundant our family like we never existed. its been 10 years since we have been seperated from our uncles family. but even today the fights in our family havnt cm2 an end. My father blames my mom for his family having left him. though it is not my moms mistake but coz of my aunt who belongged to a well off family and my grand mom who was inticed with the charm of money. i am 25 yrs of age n my parents have been fighting continiously ever since i remember. my mom has even tried to commit suicide which is completely disaprove of, but my father has never tried to mellow down and sort things out. i am really disturbed wid all dat is hapnn. i myself hav had 3 unsucceful relationships, the last one where my guy was two timing me.
i have lost all trust in relationships and now i cant even try to solve my parents fight. i have given up coz i dnt think thr is anythn i can do. they just dnt listen and keep crying their own woes. i think my family is going to shatter any moment. i dnt want my younger siblings to go throught the missiries. i myself have no idea wats gona happn to my life. my frenz think i m d happiest one aroun with no pain. but this is smthn i cannot discuss wid anybdy, if my parents get divorced i wont be able to face the dilema. i dunno wat to do. i just feel like running away smwhr. Please help me. i really hope everythings gona be fine at my plc. but i think that's too much to ask for. what have i done to diserve all of this. i have never been mean to anybdy or caused any sorta probs. then y is all this hapnn only wid my family.

Apr 25, 2009 12:12 PM

Im 18 and my parents just separated today. i cant help but feel its my fault. i just didnt do enough around the house maybe i said something. its making me really depressed. depressed to the point of suicide. i cant take this pain im feeling i cant stop crying. i have 2 brothers. one is a 20 yr old good for noting the other is only 6. i dont want to leave him. but i just cant take it. i love my little brother but......he shouldnt have to go through this hes lonely enough as it is since his friend moved a month ago. now my mom left him too. mom is on unemployment since her job was shutdown bout a year ago. my dad rarely works when he doesnt work he smokes pot. i just feel so useless. i dont know what to do. if i wasnt in the army id be slicing my wrists right now.....but if the cause of death is suicide then no life insurance check for them.....i should just go walk in traffic and pray i get hit cuz i dont deserve to live. money is really tight round here and if i die.......they could really use that money..... my brother would be better off. money solves everything right? thats the way it is in this world.... i have yet to feel love....but it isnt worth it. love is just anther word or pain and suffering....i cant take it....i dont deserve this..... my brothers college would be paid for. why should i live? i would bring nothing to this family......

Apr 26, 2009 5:52 PM

Guest :

I am 20 years old, and my parents divorce was just finalized about five months ago. I feel that I'm moving forward (the divorce process took about two years), so I've had time to accept and cope. However, the problem is that both my parents had affairs while in the marriage. My dad had an affair earlier, when I was very young, and my mom very late (when I was a junior in highschool). My parents got divorced because of my mom's affair. My dad just couldn't get over the fact that she had done that to him. Now that my parents are divorced, my mom is still seeing the man that she cheated on my dad with. This man is now separated from his wife, but as of very recently. I'm so torn...if I accepted this man, my dad would be absolutely crushed...this man caused my parents' divorce. However, if he makes my mom happy, how could I not accept him? I feel that I'm in a lose-lose situation, and I have no clue how to deal with it.

May 19, 2009 6:02 PM

Guest :

Well, I'm 22 now and my parents decided to get divorced when I was 21. It was a long time coming and I had heard both sides to the story having been the only child. There was no adultery or infidelity, but my Dad was hardly ever around because of work and my Mom NEVER voiced her opinion or stood up for herself. I was living in Chicago when they announced their divorce and I knew that there was no way my Mom would be able to support herself after the divorce even with my Dad's alomony. It just so happened that my job could no longer 'afford' to keep me so I decided to move back home. I am now torn between both parents. They wanted to use a mediator but my Mom went to a lawyer for advice and now it has gotten into a bitter divorce. Today my Mom said she doesn't want to ever see, hear from, or talk to my Dad again. I love them both and know their marriage is far from repairable and I do not want them back together but I want my Mom to get OVER this intense anger she feels and has felt for the past years. She doesnt even want my Dad and I taking the dogs to the dogpark together anymore. I don't want to ruin my relationship with them by being caught in the middle. I said I didn't want to be in the middle and BOTH have forced me into this position. I wonder if moving out on my own would do any good, but since my Mom and I can't afford not to be roommates, its hard to separate the situation. Any more ADVICE would really help! I try to distance myself and I still get caught up in everything. I have refused to show up at their court date or testify. Help!

May 19, 2009 10:38 PM

Guest :

i am 37 and this divorce between my mom and dad after 35 years of mairrage will be the hardest thing that ever hit my family. i am distraught,still,even after reading everything i can find on this subject. i am in a deep greiving that i don't know what to do with. greiving doesn't even describe it. i need to tell my 17 year old son and i just don't know how to. the divorce papers will be served on thursday the 21st and i am afraid of the wave of terror it will unleash on our family. i don't know wether to tell him now(he is finishing finals this week) or to wait til he is done.......if anyone can help me and they run across my little additiona comment to this site, i would really be willing to listen to any advice they could send my way. addy is dianaallen26@yahoo.com

May 28, 2009 12:39 AM

Guest :

Hello all,
I posted on this site a few months back after my parents announced that they were getting divorced after 25 years. Even after 1 year to deal with it, I still feel so deeply alone.

While I appreciate that this site exists, it's simply not as good of a forum for support as it could be, and many of the other sites this one has suggested are sadly defunct, so I made this little message board where we can have discussions and maybe even be of help to each other.

It's very bare-bones, but we'll see how it goes.

Hope to see you there!

http://members.boardhost.com/ACODsupport/

May 28, 2009 9:12 PM

Guest :

My mother called me last night in tears to tell me that she has called it quits on her and my fathers marriage. I have been crying ever since, it hurts so much. I am lucky I guess that I don't live at home anymore but I always thought that I would have a family to go back to if need be. Now it's all ruined. I am 19 and only moved out 3 months ago with my boyfriend. I have 3 younger brothers who are 12, 15 and 17 who still live at home. I feel especially bad for my 12 year old brother, he is so young.

The reason she left him is because he has no job and has become increasingly lazy, never helping out around the house or spending much time with my brothers, taking up smoking and sitting aound eating and sleeping all day. There is a reason for it, about 3 and a half years ago he badly injured his shoulder and had to stop working but I guess it has become too much for my mother. I have always been a daddys girl, being the only daughter and I feel so bad for my father. He has a history of depression and it really worries me. We don't know where he is which worries me even more. My mother says she feels like a bad mother and that she still loves my dad but his laziness drives her mad. Despite all of this neither me nor my brothers really saw it coming. My poor father didn't see it coming at all. I keep picturing him crying and it's tearing me up inside. I haven't spoken to him, I feel he will need time.

I am not going to take sides, I love both parents equally and I don't blame my mother for leaving him at all but it still hurts really badly, they were married for almost 21 years. I never thought this would happen to my family. We were all so happy before, I wish we could go back to how things used to be.

I can't stop crying, my poor boyfriend doesn't know what to do with me. I couldn't even face going to university today, this whole thing just sucks so much!

Reading all of these other posts has made me feel a little better though, at least I'm not the only one. I would appreciate any help though, I don't know what to do.

May 28, 2009 9:44 PM

Guest :

Hello. Well, let's start from the beginning: I was the only kid on the street who didn't have two families. My parents were married for 27 years, and only divorced 4 years ago. I am 31 years old now, and I was told this news while I was living in Germany with my husband. I was heartbroken. My mom didn't understand how I could be so hurt, after all I am an adult. There are no custody issues, I am a fully functional adult and have a family of my own. Regardless, I still felt as though my world had fallen apart. I had set the standard of my marriage to my parents devotion and longevity.

Fast forward to this past weekend: my father married a woman who is similar to my mom, only not as insane (I was the best-woman in this unconventional wedding). Tonight, my mom called me and put me on a three-way call with her current fiance (she has had 3 since the divorce). I was OK until after the phone call. Now, I feel as if I am being pushed to take on too much too soon. I am sitting here in tears wondering if I should finish off the other half of the Ben & Jerry's in the freezer or run to the store for smokes (I quit smoking years ago). It would be better if I went for a run, I guess, but it is very late and there are coyotes where I live.

Anyway, I have asked my mom to give me time and she has agreed, but now, I will be meeting her fiance in like 3 weeks. I think I am getting too old to bounce back so quickly. My mom is trying to tell me all this negative stuff about my dad, but she is the one who left him to pursue a truck driving career. I am worried that sh*t will hit the fan when I meet them (it will be in a family reunion setting) and that our relationship will undergo serious strain. But, I can't just be her supportive friend. I am not sure I would want to if I weren't her daughter.

I am not sure what to do with all of this emotion. I am not really an emotional person (my husband says I am more of a man than he is), so dealing with all of these feelings is becoming increasingly difficult. Any suggestions would be much appreciated.

Jun 8, 2009 5:57 PM

Guest :

Like so many postings here, I am a 28-year-old daughter of parents who just announced to me that they are divorcing. My situation differs, however, in that the three of us (mom, dad & me) are employed by our family business. Aside from all the family drama involved in a divorce, I have the added drama of work. My father cornered me tonight asking my opinion on how he should handle settling the financial issues of buying m mom's stock in the corporation, and called her lawyer a shark that was out to get him. I have a feeling that the next few months are going to get very ugly and I can't escape any of it, since it affects my work life too. I feel like I've been backed into a corner - in this financial market I'd never be able to find a job that would financially compensate me as well as my family's business does, so leaving work & finding another job isn't feasible. I hope I can find the inner strength to get through this tough time, but today I guess I'm having a hard time keeping my chin up & finding that strength to rely on. On top of it all, my husband and I are starting to try to have a baby, but I wonder if all this stress & turbulance is a good environment for me to be making such a huge life decision.

Jun 9, 2009 11:08 AM

Guest :

so glad i found this website i thought i was just going crazy myself. My parents are in the middle of a nasty divorce and my wedding is less than two weeks away. All my life the only thing they are worried about is themselves and how they look to other people. They don't really care about how much they are hurting me and my sister. I also can't stand how my mom wants everyone to feel sorry for her every minute of everyday. Mom lies, dad lies even the lawyers are lying it is driving me and fiance crazy. Now mom wants me to not sit her next to my dad at the wedding to which I told her to grow up and get over it that they can handle sitting by each other for one night. Can anybody help?

Jun 22, 2009 7:09 PM

Guest :

I am a mom of 2 adult kids and a 17 year old. My husband left me after 26 years. He had an affair and has a sex addiction. My kids know that he had an affair, they know that he has not provided money at times since the separation. The 2 older ones have spoken with their dad and even though they say it is not the same and they don't trust him. The 17 year old has not spoken to his dad since the separation. I am actually a little angry that the older 2 are seemingly getting along with their dad, even though they are angry at him. I have encouraged the youngest to contact his dad and have him in counseling to help. Why am I not better able to handle this with the kids?

Jul 2, 2009 9:44 PM

Guest :

Wow. Most of the comments are from adults who are dealing with their parents recent divorce.
For those of you who are adults going through a divorce, find another chat room. This is like the one place that we can go to vent. So please, do us a favor and butt out.
That being said; I am a 24 year old newly-wed. My parent's marriage exploded when my mother had my father arrested and I had to bail him out of jail. I was given the honor of telling my 18 year old and 21 year old siblings the fantastic news that my parents 26 year marriage was over. My brother won't discuss it and my sister is handling it with a grace that I can not find. I spent a lot of time trying to "fix" things. Supporting my mother, father, trying to plan a wedding. Finally my husband and I said screw it and married in Vegas without any of them. Our extended family was really close sharing weekends and holidays we thought we were so blessed.It still makes me sad to think that I had no one to share my special day with. In the aftermath of the announcement sides were chosen, the police were involved, and I had to begin taking Valium to save myself. I finally realized that their marriage is their problem. I now refuse to discuss it with them and have developed a nasty habit of gossiping; discouraging anyone from telling me things that need to be "kept secret" from their ex-spouses. Yes, my relationship with my family has suffered and will never be as it was before. I am crying as I write this. It truly breaks my heart. They were my whole support systems. But if this divorce has taught me anything it is how to be my own person. So those of you who are out there dealing with this crap everyday, hang in there. Try to think only about yourself for a while; I think it might be the only way to survive. Is this post sad and jaded? Absolutely; but so am I. I hope this advice helps someone. We need to band together. As one we are a minority but as a group we can learn from and send love to others like us who need it.