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Adult Children of Divorce
Children Who Are Over 18 When Parents Separate Are Equally Affected
Apr 28, 2007 Victoria Anisman-Reiner
Adult kids of divorce (known as AKODs or ACODs) may be equally or more harmed by the loss of family stability and by parents' poor boundaries than are younger children.
It is commonly accepted that divorce has a developmental impact, and often a serious one, on teenagers and young children. The effect of their parents’ divorce on children who are already considered adults, though, is often dismissed. Adult children of divorce, or ACODs (AKODs, another common acronym, stands for “adult kids of divorce”), are often expected to be an “adult” and support their parents through the pain of separation and divorce. They may also be drawn into their parents’ arguments in ways that younger children might not be.
Statistics and Facts on Divorce
In the U.S.…
- approximately 50% of marriages end in divorce
- an estimated 40% of adults aged 18-40 come from broken homes (1)
Studies indicate that the most damaging effect of divorce on children arises early in their adult life. Many children of divorce have trouble finding a mate and creating lasting relationships and marriages themselves. While some of these conclusions are contested, they tend to be taken for granted in the popular lexicon. What has not been studied is the long-term impact of divorce on children who were already over 18 years of age at the time their parents separated.
The following arguments are mostly anecdotal. They depend upon the testimonials of men and women whose parents were divorced when they were in their early to late twenties.
“You’re an adult. This doesn’t affect you.”
On the contrary, the separation of parents affects a child even if that “child” is an adult with a home and family of their own.
Many adult children of divorce report that, even though they never intended to use it, the fact of their parents’ stable “home” was a touchstone they knew they could always return to if they needed.
Becoming the child of a split household requires a rapid change in a person’s world view and the way they perceive themselves. It can shatter a person's self-image as one of the “lucky ones” with an intact family and parents who were and are happy together, and forces a reevaluation of an adult’s perception of their childhood.
In many cases, the separation of parents is accompanied or closely followed by the introduction of new stepparents and stepsiblings. This can be just as unwelcome to adult children as it would be to teenagers and infants – and not living together can make it harder to get to know the new “family.”
How Divorce is Complicated for ACODs
More even than learning to see their parents (and themselves) in a new light, adult children of divorce can be stressed by the demands placed on them by parents. In the trauma of divorce, parents can overstep the healthy boundaries of their children by treating them as supportive friends.
Leaning on an adult child as a confidant, badmouthing the other parent, using the child to carry messages between their parents, or telling the child, “You’re just like your mother/father!” are ultimately all abuses of the parent-child relationship (2), and can be detrimental to the adult child’s own healing and development. Most parents would never consider treating young children in this manner.
Parents who, after a divorce, begin to date may also confide in their children or depend on them for social advice and help. Many ACODs reporting how dismaying and frustrating this kind of conversation with their parents can be.
Help for Adult Children of Divorce
Counseling and psychotherapy can be helpful for adult children during their parents' divorce. There are also online support/discussion groups and websites created by adult kids of divorce, which can give a voice to the feelings and experiences of AKODs.
Related article: Book Review: A Grief Out of Season for the original research on adult kids of divorce.
Citations:
(1) Jen Abbas, http://www.churchplantingvillage.net/site/apps/nl/content2.asp?c=iiJTKZPEJpH&b=849683&ct=1722613, accessed April 27, 2007
(2) Gillian Rothchild, http://www.committment.com/rothchild.html, accessed April 28, 2007
The copyright of the article Adult Children of Divorce in Divorce is owned by Victoria Anisman-Reiner. Permission to republish Adult Children of Divorce in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.
What do you think about this article?
96 Comments
Comments
Jun 11, 2008 7:09 PM
Guest :
It's a high road a parent must take in order to keep their children's
welfare first and foremost in mind when going through a divorce. It's a
"big" parent who will hold his or her tongue regarding the other
parent in conversation with their adult children if it is
"really" about "you" rather than them. Sadly, I don't
think there are enough mature parents who will actually practice this, I'm
sure there are some, those children are the better for it.
Aug 16, 2008 9:56 AM
Guest :
I agree with the "holding your tongue" principle. Slander teaches
children bitterness and blame - not self-control, grace, tenderness and
taking blame. We just had our 22nd anniversary - we are somewhat happily
married. Something our 18+ yr old daughter expressed a couple of wks ago
has been on my mind ever since - that she "has more fun when out with
just 1 of us at a time" - hm? - a cause for serious pause. I'm a lot
like my mother was in her marriage - not too much "fun" - kind of
a stick in the mud, but I think my daughter was refering to someting a
little deeper. My husband very easy-going, wouldn't complain about me to
save his life. But i think his easy-going personality is part of MY problem
- there's no real 'take charge' in him - and it has left me a bit 'lost'.
In any relationship there needs to be someone in charge, in leadership -
and I'm pretty old-fashioned and feel as though I NEED that ldrship to
function effectively, to know what to do. And right now all I want to do is
be freed from this situation and it's very difficult. I'm 47 (I look and
feel about 35) and am going back to work now that our daughter's off to
college and I'm getting that awful itch to be single and stay single - not
even to date - because I truly believe that it's possible that I'm not
'marriage material' - it's possible that I can't get past unrealistic
expectations. It's very hard to be selfless right now - I wish it would
pass, bit I'm pretty sure it won't. We have some memorable moments and then
it will be weeks!!! before we 'get reacquainted' and the cycle is waring on
us both. After so long I kind of 'forget' how to respond to him. There's
not really anything to dislike about my husband and I feel sort of guilty
even contemplating a separation.
Thanks for listening -
Thanks for listening -
Aug 20, 2008 7:26 PM
Guest :
In response to the last comment... I have a couple of phrases I have
become well known for, "sometimes you are committed to the
committment" and "Love is a choice, not a feeling". I
believe you should run as far as possible from the thought of divorce if
you are not being abused or married to someone unfaithful. You Choose to
love. Not "marriage material"! You've been married 22 yrs and
you would throw it all away because you got the "itch" to. Be
responsible, committed and set an example for your daughter that is worth
her following. I don't mean to be harsh, but our society turns to divorce
over nothing and it is totally unacceptable. If you cant be committed to
your husband at this moment, thats okay. It happens to everyone at some
point. Thats when you are committed to the committment while you are
choosing to love.
Aug 22, 2008 11:52 AM
Guest :
For anyone who thinks the single life is an easy one, I have news for you.
Society is still dictated by couples and I found that out while I was
single for 6 years. Bowling leagues, dancing lessons, invitations to
parties, going to the movies, out to dinner are all activities that are
couple oriented. I’ve belonged to single’s groups and it’s sad to see
middle aged people gathering on a Sunday afternoon to take in a movie, just
so they don’t have to be alone.
Our adult children were pretty much awful to us when we moved forward in our relationship. Mine gave in first. My new husband's children wouldn't even watch us get married but looked the other way, like it wouldn't happen if they didn't seen it. Through patience, understanding and our continued invitations to all 6 of our children to functions at our home, everyone has pretty much settled in and are getting along with each other while being polite to my new husband and me.
There aren’t any cocktail parties, gatherings of wonderful people at a single’s dance or tons of wonderful men going to come out of the woodwork if you are looking for a date. It’s a whole different lifestyle. Although I did make friends that I will keep forever, I choose married over single any day. Sadly, I wasn’t given the choice by my first husband, but the one I have now makes my life richer and I thank God every day for sending him to me. I will never take marriage for granted.
Our adult children were pretty much awful to us when we moved forward in our relationship. Mine gave in first. My new husband's children wouldn't even watch us get married but looked the other way, like it wouldn't happen if they didn't seen it. Through patience, understanding and our continued invitations to all 6 of our children to functions at our home, everyone has pretty much settled in and are getting along with each other while being polite to my new husband and me.
There aren’t any cocktail parties, gatherings of wonderful people at a single’s dance or tons of wonderful men going to come out of the woodwork if you are looking for a date. It’s a whole different lifestyle. Although I did make friends that I will keep forever, I choose married over single any day. Sadly, I wasn’t given the choice by my first husband, but the one I have now makes my life richer and I thank God every day for sending him to me. I will never take marriage for granted.
Aug 25, 2008 10:40 AM
Guest :
I'm 34 years old. My parents separated when I was 9 yrs old, divorced
sometime after that, got re-married and are both divorced from their 2nd
spouses. I have a good relationship with both my mom and dad. After the
separation I lived with my mom and then when I was 15 I moved in with my
dad. My parents marriage broke up because my father was unfaithful, and I
understand the hurt and pain that comes along with that, but shouldn't my
mother be over it by now? She continues to speak badly about my father.
It drives me crazy. Why does she do this? He doesn't speak badly about
her. He wasn't the best husband and she wasn't always the best mother.
People make mistakes. It's like she wants me to hate him. We could be
talking about dinner and making gravy and somehow someway she finds a way
to verbally attack my father. Then I feel like I should defend him because
he's not there to defend himself, but I really don't want to be involved.
Aug 30, 2008 8:34 PM
Guest :
Hi. It is very refreshing to read the last 2 comments - (both in response
to mine from Aug 16) - thank you! Your 'encouragement' is appreciated!! I
do have a single friend (all her life!) and had the opportunity to stay w/
her a few weeks last year - her life is healthy and rewarding, but I must
be honest and say that I would NOT wish the forever single life on anyone.
It seems very lonely indeed. I believe very strongly that God intended for
marriage to be a very important part of a society's stabiblity and, you're
right, I have to considered my daughter and the impact my "giving it
all up" would have on her and her future relationships.
Again, thanks so much for taking the time to comment. :)
And thanks again for listening again.
Again, thanks so much for taking the time to comment. :)
And thanks again for listening again.
Aug 30, 2008 8:47 PM
Guest :
In resposne to the 34 yr old - talking very frankly about this to your mom
might be a start. Don't wait for her to begin another slamming of your
father, but at an appropriate location and time, YOU initiate the
conversation and tell her how it effcts you and that you're having
difficulty respecting her for giving you "ammunition" to think
badly of your father. Her lingering bitterness toward him is causing her to
exhibit poor judgment and she truly should not speak poorly of him in your
presence.
Bitterness is very destructive. She may need some outside 'help' to finally get past it.
Be careful not to become bitter toward her. Be gracious and pray for her. But there is nothing disrespectful about discussing this matter with her.
Wishing you the best!
Bitterness is very destructive. She may need some outside 'help' to finally get past it.
Be careful not to become bitter toward her. Be gracious and pray for her. But there is nothing disrespectful about discussing this matter with her.
Wishing you the best!
Sep 16, 2008 7:20 PM
Guest :
Hello. I'm a 24 yr old whose parents are just starting the divorce
proceedings after being separated for a year after my father revealed he
was having an affair. The last year has been extremely painful and
complicated, with my mother relying on me heavily as I ended a long term
relationship of my own and finished up a Masters degree. I have very little
contact with my dad because I'm still so angry with him. When I contact him
it is because for a fleeting moment I miss him. I don't know how to find
balance between the anger and the missing him. I often get told that my
parents' situation is "not about me" and though that is true to a
certain extent, I find this a very difficult response to deal with. I often
feel very isolated and misunderstood, and even angry at my own response,
feeling like I've taken it all too personally.
Sep 18, 2008 9:37 AM
Guest :
I feel so very bad and guilty and need you good people for some advice: I
am in the middle of divorcing my alcoholic, emotionally unavailable
husband. I KNOW that I should keep my mouth shut and not involve the
children (21 year-old son and 18 year old daughter)but something made me
try and explain to my son today how I feel about alcoholism and why I had
to take the decision. It didn't go well with him at all. He is under the
impression that I try to influence him against his dad. I feel horrible,
how can I mend this?
Sep 20, 2008 7:35 PM
Guest :
I can't believe I found this site. My husband (of 35 years) left me
11/07... we had problems, which he wouldn't get help for...then started a
nasty divorce proceeding full of lies & 1/2 truths about me (I am
contesting the divorce). We have a 24 yr old and a 19 yr old. They are
both SO angry with their father and I am having a really hard time with
this. On one hand, I keep trying to get them to resolve their problems with
their father by talking to him not me about their grievances, but their
anger is also hugely justified and being closer to me they want to vent to
me. They also have a great fear of him. I think that, as young adults,
they need to also know the truth and I try to be fair about it re: my
part/his part. I feel as if I am responsible for EVERYTHING emotionally
that they go through. Their father has not had them to his place at all
(he has been in it since 1/08) he takes them to the movies or out to
dinner, no relationship building, no sharing of feelings, no conversations
about the divorce and only spends an hour or two with them. Now my oldest
wants nothing to do with him. My youngest is trying to be so fair that he
is going into denial. How do I maintain a healthy & fair balance by
speaking the truth of what has happened yet letting them have their angry
times and not making him out to be the bad guy? I do confess and have asked
forgiveness for my part in this as it pertains to my kids... but this
divorce stuff is really, really bad. I can barely understand/deal with it,
how can I expect them to?
Sep 22, 2008 8:42 AM
Guest :
I've been committed to the committement for the last 9 years. Nine years
ago, I was unfaithful. I confessed all and committed to repairing our
marriage. But after about 5 years, thousands of dollars and countless
hours in counseling, it became apparent to me that I could never be sorry
enough, broken enough, remorseful enough, repentant enough to repair the
damage. I decided to myself to endure the continual shame, beratement, and
verbal abuse - admittedly I caused it - until my children were grown. Now
the time is approaching. My youngest will graduate highschool this spring,
09. And I'm scared.
We will hit the 25 year milestone this fall. And the last 15 years have sucked... for both of us. I have hoped and prayed all along that we could restored.
We will hit the 25 year milestone this fall. And the last 15 years have sucked... for both of us. I have hoped and prayed all along that we could restored.
Sep 28, 2008 11:22 PM
Guest :
If your husband is truly an alcoholic, your son knows this, and probably,
if he has had many experiences with alcholics at all, especially his dad or
someone else he is close to, knows at least a smidgen of what you feel
without you explaining it to him. I am 32, my parents divorced when i was
18 and my mother still talks horribly about him to me, and I can't tell you
how much it hurts. No one wants to hear bad stuff about their parent, EVEN
IF THEY KNOW IT'S TRUE. In my opinion the best thing you can do is find
someone else to talk to about your ex, and just let you kids know how much
you love them.
Oct 10, 2008 11:20 AM
Guest :
I'm posting a comment in hopes of finding a way to appolize to the children
of the man i was having an affair with, whom i've since married. I had been
married 20yrs and divorce 7yrs because of repeated unfaithfulness from my
husband, I knew the pain both as a wife and the mother of adult children.
after being on the receiving end of that kind of pain I can't believe i let
myself get involved with a married man knowing the lasting damage that
would follow, and i'm more ashamed than i could ever explain. my current
husband had been married 30yrs we were friends and i'd known him for 4yrs
and knew he was miserable, we starting talking and it was like a train hit
us from out of nowhere. Our affair (we'd never slept together, it was
emotional) lasted about 3 weeks, when his oldest son saw me kiss him. All
six of his kids were there to confront him when he got home, resulting in
his son blacking his eye.he moved out that night He'd already seen an
attorney a few days before his son saw us, the divorce took about a year.
We continued to see one another throughout the divorce and married 6wks
after it was final. He's had very little contact with his children although
i continue to encourge it. I know they proably alway hate me, but I wish
there was some way i could let them know how sorry i am, I'm not a horrible
person, but what i did to them was so much more than horrible and i want
very much to say i'm sorry. any advise?
Oct 11, 2008 10:08 AM
Guest :
Hi! We have been dealing with IKE down here the past few weeks and I have
just now had the time to revisit this site. I want to reread the most
recent posts before responding. I too am so glad to have stumbled upon this
site! -- Please remebmer that good things can and should always result from
negative situations - we just have to hang on and wait. -- I feel
compelled to respond to many comments. Till then...please keep your chin
up. :)
Oct 17, 2008 7:24 PM
Guest :
I'm a twenty five year old only child and my parents just finalized their
divorce in August which started exactly two years ago. The information in
this article was very spot on. Because of my age, I repeatedly told over by
mother that the divorce should not be affecting when I tried telling her of
the depression I was going through. I decided to start law school this past
Jan. and moved to the other side of the country in order to avoid being
caught in my parents bitter feud. However, because of the divorce and the
financial expenditures that went along with it, my parents were not able to
support me with school financially or emotionally through my first year.
Instead my mother would call me just to berate my father through me while I
was at school and tried to convince me that my father never loved me and
would do anything to harm me if I tried to get between him and "the
house". Anyways, alot of nastier things were said throughout that time
and with the burden of the finances of school and the stress that I
encountered being a first semester law school student, it all became too
much for me and I ended up failing a course which led me to ultimately fail
out of law school after just one semester. It's been a horrible and
terrible hard year. I'm slugging it out and I believe things will get
better, but I hope that parents who do get divorced when their kids are
older do realize the effect that this will have on their older children.
Oct 20, 2008 9:40 AM
Guest :
I'm a distressed daddy's girl in need of help. My parents are just starting
the divorce (after a 28 yr marriage) after my dad chose to be with the
mistress he’d been having an affair with of almost a year. I was the one to
find out about the affair and confronted him, his response was that the
situation had gotten out of hand and he had no plans of leaving my mother.
I have had no contact with my dad for over two weeks (when we had never
gone without talking daily). I feel very misunderstood and overwhelmed
with a lot of emotions. The last thing my dad told me was that he loved my
mother and that I had taken the situation too personally. I don't know how
to feel anymore and how to live my life as a young adult about to embark
into my own marriage. There were so many plans, they've said that the only
man in a woman's life that will not break your heart is your father, yet my
heart is broken and my father is gone.
Oct 27, 2008 12:47 PM
Guest :
I am glad I found this site and to see that there are other AKOD's like me.
My parents were married for 25 years before they divorced. I met my
father's girlfriend a year before they seperated, and even though I knew
about this affair, I didn't want to get in the middle of it. Keeping this
from my mother was SUPER HARD! I didn't know what the right or wrong thing
to do was. Unfortunatly, after a year, I couldn't keep it in anymore, but
she found out anyway. I had an extremely hard life going on at the time of
all this as well. Moved away from home for the first time, got out of a
relationship, the family dog died, and my parent's were going through a
pretty what would be nasty divorce. I started getting anxiety attacks and
depressed from all the stress. It has been two years later and school is
going well as well as my dating life. But I still feel the stress of my
mother bad-mouthing my father. I feel like it is a major crime to talk to
him or even see him. I've been telling my mother for years to please not
vent on me. That I would comfort her when she needed it, but that I will
always be her daughter first, before her friend. I am so scared of getting
into a marriage of my own one day because of the anxiety I feel towards my
parents. I really really really want to go to therapy for proffesional
help.
Nov 3, 2008 12:35 PM
Guest :
I could really use help in this situation, although I certainly don't
expect a lot of sympathy. I have been having an affair with a married man
for over three years. I just broke it off this last weekend, after several
weeks of agonizing back and forth. I'm heartbroken, and am still trying to
parse out what happened.
Like one of the other posters, the married man that I was seeing started out as my friend as we worked together in a community service organization. And like the other poster, it was as if we got hit by a bus. I can honestly say that I have never felt this way about anyone else, and he has expressed the same feelings over and over again to me.
His marriage, by his own report, was a sham. His wife had a major personlity change right after the birth of their only child due to bipolar disorder. He put a great deal of effort into trying to salvage the marriage, to no avail. Then, when his daughter began to act out, he left a lucrative career to become the primary caregiver to his daughter. He has not slept in the same bed with his wife for 15 years.
He is very close to his daughter, and has done an amazing job of raising her and protecting her from the craziness in the house. She left for college this year. He had promised me from the start of our relationship, that he would leave after she went to school. But it has been several months, and she is having a hard time adjusting to living away from home, and he is paralyzed and terrified about what effect a split would have on her. And I'm not totally sure he is wrong--I had a terrible freshman year, and I know I would have been devastated in the same situation.
But I also know that at a certain point, children also want the truth. I don't mean the truth about me and him--as far as we know, neither his wife or daughter know about us. But I mean the truth about the relationship that no one discusses. In my own life, my parent's marriage was very difficult, but they portrayed it to us as if we were a happy family. When I became a young adult myself, I had a very had time coming to terms with the lie that I felt had been our family. Divorce is devastating, but so is living the lie of the perfect family when underneath, everyone knows the truth. In my mid-twenties, I even began to beg my mother to leave my father because I was so distressed by how unhappy she was, and how he treated her.
I am obviously not a disinterested party, but isn't the lie just as damaging as divorce?
Like one of the other posters, the married man that I was seeing started out as my friend as we worked together in a community service organization. And like the other poster, it was as if we got hit by a bus. I can honestly say that I have never felt this way about anyone else, and he has expressed the same feelings over and over again to me.
His marriage, by his own report, was a sham. His wife had a major personlity change right after the birth of their only child due to bipolar disorder. He put a great deal of effort into trying to salvage the marriage, to no avail. Then, when his daughter began to act out, he left a lucrative career to become the primary caregiver to his daughter. He has not slept in the same bed with his wife for 15 years.
He is very close to his daughter, and has done an amazing job of raising her and protecting her from the craziness in the house. She left for college this year. He had promised me from the start of our relationship, that he would leave after she went to school. But it has been several months, and she is having a hard time adjusting to living away from home, and he is paralyzed and terrified about what effect a split would have on her. And I'm not totally sure he is wrong--I had a terrible freshman year, and I know I would have been devastated in the same situation.
But I also know that at a certain point, children also want the truth. I don't mean the truth about me and him--as far as we know, neither his wife or daughter know about us. But I mean the truth about the relationship that no one discusses. In my own life, my parent's marriage was very difficult, but they portrayed it to us as if we were a happy family. When I became a young adult myself, I had a very had time coming to terms with the lie that I felt had been our family. Divorce is devastating, but so is living the lie of the perfect family when underneath, everyone knows the truth. In my mid-twenties, I even began to beg my mother to leave my father because I was so distressed by how unhappy she was, and how he treated her.
I am obviously not a disinterested party, but isn't the lie just as damaging as divorce?
Nov 5, 2008 6:26 AM
Guest :
I found this site in search of answers to my questions of whether to
divorce when my only child is 18 or now or not. It seems there is no good
time for a divorce as the impact/damage on the child is never going to be
neglegible. Now thinking back, maybe I should have divorced when my child
was a baby. Now he is 8 and has a strong mind about thing and very
sensitive and emotional, I couldn't imagine the pain he will suffer if his
parents slit up. But our marriage has never been a good one ever since the
start and we have totally different/conflict personalities. More
fundementally, I don't trust his fidelity and he probably doesn't trust me
either. And we have conflicting financial management view as well. Although
we both are willing to try and patch up for our child's sake and have been
seeing counsellor, life is still miserable and I feel I dont have a partner
that is my friend whom I can share and joy and pain, except things to be
with our child. Is there any future of our marriage? Should i suffer the
rest of my life because i dont want my son to suffer? My son will suffer
anyway because we dont have a happy household. I can't even pretend to be
nice to my husband any more. Is it better to end the misery and live a real
life for all the three of us? I am very confused and indecisive...
Nov 10, 2008 9:14 AM
Guest :
I am looking for guidance. I am dateing a man with adult children who are
married and have children of thier own, ages 19 & 24. My partner and I
want to further our relationship and marry. His children are against any
other woman(except the ex) being in his life. To the point of emotional
blackmail. " I won't be around you or love you if you are with
her" My partner has approached the subject numerous times but the
idea is firmly rejected. He has been divorced 5 years - we are in our late
40's and I have no children. His children have never met me. My partner
and I love each other very much but is this an unsurmountable problem?
Nov 18, 2008 8:55 AM
Guest :
I found this site in search of answers for my daughter. She is 19 and been
dating a wonderful boy on and off for 4 years, all through high school and
is now a freshman in college. He loves her and she loves him very much and
we(husband and extended family) love him too. They have the potential of
having a wonderful relationship and or marriage. I see a lot of great
things in their relationship, but they still have a lot of growing and
maturing to do. In time, it will come. Here's the problem. He breaks up
every time when things between them get difficult or it happens near
special times in their lives. He comes from a divorced family. His parents
divorced when he was very young (4 or 5) His mother never says a cross word
about the father, and I doubt he about her. But, he has never witnessed a
marital conflict and doesn't know how to handle conflict with a loved one,
(I feel). My daughter, on the other hand has witnessed a lot of fights,
some pretty nasty ones to be frank. But, has also seen us kiss and make up
and move on. She is very strong willed and can be a challenge. (I know,
because I too have had many difficult arguments with her, geez I'm her
mother!) Every "break" as they call it, breaks her heart and
tears her up because she wants to work through their differences staying
together and he thinks they need time and space to think things over. They
do come back together and I feel there is improvement in the relationship
and they're able to communicate more specifically. But, as a mom, this is
very agonizing to watch your daughter go through all this hurt and pain. I
love the kid, but, if this pattern is going to continue for years to come,
I can't support this relationship anymore. Or am I way off and it's just be
a maturity issue? Can anyone give me any insight that over time it can
improve or should I coach her to never get back together? I've already
encouraged her to see a therapist on whether to stay or go. And just to
focus on herself and her goals in life and be happy with who she is and
love herself. Because without that you can't love anyone else.
Nov 18, 2008 9:29 AM
Guest :
I found this site in search of answers for my son(20) and daughter(18). I
want them to heal from the divorce but their father can't be truthful with
them. He had a long term affair and got engaged 3 weeks after we separated
(I found out about it. He is moving to another state shortly. He has denied
everything to our children. They are so hurt that all their father can do
is lie, that now either they avoid his calls or don't ask anything that he
may lie about. As you can imagine, their phone calls are brief and
difficult. How do I help them heal? They're welfare is what is most
important to me. They know I would never leave them and they have a home
with me always. They miss their dad or the image of what they wanted as a
dad. Help!
Nov 18, 2008 4:06 PM
Guest :
I loved this article, I am a 20 year old AKOD and have been looking for
help in dealing with it as it all happened very suddenly a few months ago.
There were no faithfulness issues, and no abuse within in the relationship.
I don't personally feel that just because feelings in a relationship have
gone astray or because arguments can't be solved that those are good enough
reasons to divorce. The lawyers are making things horrible, and what seems
like a salvageable marriage, is being ripped to shreads by everyone else
but the two people in the relationship. I don't know what to do to make
them quit listening to everyone else (mainly my mother) and start
listening, truly listening to each other.
Thanks for all your posts they have been very helpful!
Thanks for all your posts they have been very helpful!
Nov 19, 2008 3:12 PM
Guest :
why is it when it a divorce people hurt themselves?
Nov 21, 2008 11:59 PM
Guest :
I am 23, and 6 months ago (a month before my college graduation; a week
before their 25th anniversary), my parents told me that they were getting a
divorce. In two separate conversations, Mom told me "I don't love him
anymore." Later that evening, Dad told me, "I wanted to wait
until you graduated college." As though at my commencement I was
endowed with an extra reserve of strength that would see me through this;
as though graduation made me a real adult who didn't need parents; as
though I could know this and still regard my graduation as a celebration of
anything and not the end of everything.
While they told me, they didn't tell my siblings until 3 months later, so I was left to grieve silently and alone. Even when they told them, my brothers seemed to be sad only for a few days and then went back to normal.
I don't know how to express how sad and broken I feel. Everything feels unsafe now -- in the months since my parents told me of their decision, my younger sibling was in a terrible car accident, later had to go to the hospital again because of further complications (he is fine now), and my job interviews went terribly because I was too sad to focus. There was even an earthquake. I know rationally that these things aren't related, but it feels like my safety blanket -- my family as I knew it -- has disappeared, and nothing is right anymore.
I can't sleep anymore because I lie awake at night worrying about something terrible happening. My mom just gets frustrated with me when I share my fear and sadness. My dad isn't around much and worries about me anyway, so I don't want to add to his worries.
I want to crawl out from under this rock. I want to feel safe and happy and whole. But it feels completely impossible. I'm scared of living and I'm scared of dying. I'm stuck.
What am I supposed to do? Please help.
While they told me, they didn't tell my siblings until 3 months later, so I was left to grieve silently and alone. Even when they told them, my brothers seemed to be sad only for a few days and then went back to normal.
I don't know how to express how sad and broken I feel. Everything feels unsafe now -- in the months since my parents told me of their decision, my younger sibling was in a terrible car accident, later had to go to the hospital again because of further complications (he is fine now), and my job interviews went terribly because I was too sad to focus. There was even an earthquake. I know rationally that these things aren't related, but it feels like my safety blanket -- my family as I knew it -- has disappeared, and nothing is right anymore.
I can't sleep anymore because I lie awake at night worrying about something terrible happening. My mom just gets frustrated with me when I share my fear and sadness. My dad isn't around much and worries about me anyway, so I don't want to add to his worries.
I want to crawl out from under this rock. I want to feel safe and happy and whole. But it feels completely impossible. I'm scared of living and I'm scared of dying. I'm stuck.
What am I supposed to do? Please help.
Nov 23, 2008 8:56 PM
Guest :
My children take their dad's side because I left and I had to leave the
family farm house because it's where he works. He also has always bought
their affection as he never had time to do things with them as he worked 7
days a week on a dairy and fruit farm and had a sepetate business with a
apple packing plant. I can't compete and as far as my kids are concerned
I'm stealing their inheritence. To make things worse because I did leave
for another man who actually paid attention to me, my own siblings have
nothing to do with me. Sometimes I feel like I should have stayed and been
miserable because thats what was expected. I gave it 26 years and it would
have been our 28th anniversary and we are still in this divorce.
Nov 26, 2008 10:27 AM
Guest :
Delighted to have found this site. I am only separated for two months now
and still getting used to being alone. We were married for 25 years and
have two wonderful daughters 25 and 20 both living away from home. My
husband never had much interest in the girls and their lives ( too caught
up in his own feelings and business) . They have only gotten a couple of
text messages from him since he left. I have always been here for them and
we have a very good relationship . I am worried that they will lose contact
with their father altogether and come to blame me for this eventually. I
don't bad mouth him and try to be positive and upbeat in their company. I
have no contact with him and wonder what i should do for the best. Any
advice??
Nov 27, 2008 3:13 PM
Guest :
I am 26 years old. My parents divorced when I was 21 and I still feel very
hurt and distanced from my father even now. My dad was apparently battling
with depression at the time. He started going out to the bars (which he had
never done when I was a kid). He would get drunk and flirt with other
women. My mom got a letter from a woman at my father's work saying that she
was a happily married woman with a family and that she wanted to let my
mother know that my father was flirting with her and wanting a relationship
with her.
My mom called me the day after my 21st birthday at my part-time job to tell me that they were getting a divorce as soon as my sister graduated from high school which would be at least a month away. I was crushed. That night I went over to my boyfriend's house (now my husband) and weeped the hardest I have ever weeped. I felt crushed and abandoned.
I remember my mom calling me a few times and crying, wanting my comfort and support. I also remember confronting my father and asking why he was doing this. I "preached" to him about how this was not the way God wanted things to be (I grew up with a strong Christian faith). From then on I began a pattern of hating my father and distancing myself from him.
There were a few months when I was in college that I didn't have a place to stay, and I needed to move in with my father. My mother had just gotten remarried (happily to a strong Christian man who I love and respect). My father was even more depressed and was having health problems that were worsening. There would be nights I would wake up to the sound of my father sobbing. I was so scared. A daughter should never have to listen to her father sobbing. There would also be nights that he would come home late from the bars, hit the garage door with his car, and set the smoke alarms off with a burnt pizza in the oven which he didn't get out in time because he passed out too quickly.
He would also complain and yell about how he can't retire because mom would get half of his retirement and that wouldn't be enough for him to live off of.
At this point I felt like the adult in our relationship. I have felt like that ever since the divorce. I still only see my dad maybe 2 or 3 times a year and we live in the same town. I'm totally avoiding him. He doesn't contact me either except when his health is bad and he needs a favor from me.
It's really hard to see the light at the end of this tunnel. I hate feeling this way towards my dad
My mom called me the day after my 21st birthday at my part-time job to tell me that they were getting a divorce as soon as my sister graduated from high school which would be at least a month away. I was crushed. That night I went over to my boyfriend's house (now my husband) and weeped the hardest I have ever weeped. I felt crushed and abandoned.
I remember my mom calling me a few times and crying, wanting my comfort and support. I also remember confronting my father and asking why he was doing this. I "preached" to him about how this was not the way God wanted things to be (I grew up with a strong Christian faith). From then on I began a pattern of hating my father and distancing myself from him.
There were a few months when I was in college that I didn't have a place to stay, and I needed to move in with my father. My mother had just gotten remarried (happily to a strong Christian man who I love and respect). My father was even more depressed and was having health problems that were worsening. There would be nights I would wake up to the sound of my father sobbing. I was so scared. A daughter should never have to listen to her father sobbing. There would also be nights that he would come home late from the bars, hit the garage door with his car, and set the smoke alarms off with a burnt pizza in the oven which he didn't get out in time because he passed out too quickly.
He would also complain and yell about how he can't retire because mom would get half of his retirement and that wouldn't be enough for him to live off of.
At this point I felt like the adult in our relationship. I have felt like that ever since the divorce. I still only see my dad maybe 2 or 3 times a year and we live in the same town. I'm totally avoiding him. He doesn't contact me either except when his health is bad and he needs a favor from me.
It's really hard to see the light at the end of this tunnel. I hate feeling this way towards my dad
Nov 30, 2008 10:59 PM
Guest :
My parents, married since 1976, with 4 children including myself, had
separated almost 4 years ago. There are so many details to their situation
as I am sure there are to everyone's story. The key items to mine are:
1. Parents have argued for as long as I can remember (I am 30 yrs old)
2. Mother blames my father because of his drinking problem
3. Father blames my mother for her money spending problem
4. restraining order was effective for three years after my father was released from jail and has been withdrawn last December (2007)
5. Father has been living in a 26' travel trailer for the past 4 years while my mother and 3 siblings have been living in the house, normally
6. Father has been very careful with his boundaries due to not wanting to go back to jail
7. Father is legally blind (Leber's Disease: LHON since ~2002), was a truck driver for nearly 35 years prior to losing his vision
8. I am married and have been for 4-1/2 years
9. I'm afraid my parent's situation will eventually affect my marriage
I love my parents very much, although I feel that my mother is stalling on trying to move things forward, whether it be divorce, or whatever. My father has tried to arrange a time/place to talk with my mother, but she continues to deny the offer, saying that she's not ready. I have about had it with her not being ready. At this point I have gone down the path of not communicating with my mother because she is not doing anything to remedy or move the situation forward. My father is a good person, and so is my mother, but their stuck in a predicament which neither of them knows what the right decision is. I want them to just get a divorce and move on with their life, because the drama that currently exists is a burden on the entire family, including my own. I chose to stop communicating with my mother because I want her to do something. I guess you could say it is leverage. I really don't know what I am asking here, but I just want to be heard. The silence between my parents is killing me. I want them both to be happy, together or apart, it doesn’t matter. It is uncomfortable living in the same town and wondering if we are going to bump into each other and how we may respond. I've written my parents and told them how I feel, but I refuse to talk to them verbally about this due to past situations getting too emotional which I feel is a distraction, and frustrates the heck out of me. Thank you for reading my story. Suggestions appreciated.
1. Parents have argued for as long as I can remember (I am 30 yrs old)
2. Mother blames my father because of his drinking problem
3. Father blames my mother for her money spending problem
4. restraining order was effective for three years after my father was released from jail and has been withdrawn last December (2007)
5. Father has been living in a 26' travel trailer for the past 4 years while my mother and 3 siblings have been living in the house, normally
6. Father has been very careful with his boundaries due to not wanting to go back to jail
7. Father is legally blind (Leber's Disease: LHON since ~2002), was a truck driver for nearly 35 years prior to losing his vision
8. I am married and have been for 4-1/2 years
9. I'm afraid my parent's situation will eventually affect my marriage
I love my parents very much, although I feel that my mother is stalling on trying to move things forward, whether it be divorce, or whatever. My father has tried to arrange a time/place to talk with my mother, but she continues to deny the offer, saying that she's not ready. I have about had it with her not being ready. At this point I have gone down the path of not communicating with my mother because she is not doing anything to remedy or move the situation forward. My father is a good person, and so is my mother, but their stuck in a predicament which neither of them knows what the right decision is. I want them to just get a divorce and move on with their life, because the drama that currently exists is a burden on the entire family, including my own. I chose to stop communicating with my mother because I want her to do something. I guess you could say it is leverage. I really don't know what I am asking here, but I just want to be heard. The silence between my parents is killing me. I want them both to be happy, together or apart, it doesn’t matter. It is uncomfortable living in the same town and wondering if we are going to bump into each other and how we may respond. I've written my parents and told them how I feel, but I refuse to talk to them verbally about this due to past situations getting too emotional which I feel is a distraction, and frustrates the heck out of me. Thank you for reading my story. Suggestions appreciated.
Dec 2, 2008 2:03 PM
Guest :
I posted on this site a few months ago and while reading other people's
posts often helps me feel like I'm not alone, I'm not entirely sure this
type of space is helpful. Though it facilitates discussion, it is one sided
since no guidance is provided, and no ways of coping are suggested. In a
sense, I feel as though we all feed off each other, whereas I'm looking for
some strength and encouragement to move forward in my own life. Further,
though I realize the moderator is trying to be inclusive here, I don't
believe that some of the posts above should have been allowed- especially
from women/men who are the "other" or "third" partner
in a relationship. Though I can appreciate that you have several issues
that you need to deal with, a posting board dedicated to ACOD does not lend
itself to your needs or problems; especially since many of us are grieving
here because of people like you.
Dec 3, 2008 11:54 PM
Guest :
i will be 33 next week, my parents divorced after 30 years; and things
definitely we never the same. i was 20 when my parents decided to separate
and by 21 they were divorced. i have read all the threads, and i can say
that i can relate to all the above situations wrapped up into one.
i have an older brother who is 36 who hates the world, a 31 year old brother who died of a drug overdose two weeks ago, and a half sister that is 7 from my father's 35 year old ex-girlfriend.
from agentina, my mother and father met in 1966 and were married in 1968. they both worked hard to save money and arrived here in his 21st birthday. they built a very successful company here together, and gave their all for a great life. because they grew up very poor, my father became a hard man who has always been caught up in appearance and material goods. when i was 13, my father was having an affair, which was completely devastating for us. but my mother forgave him. and tuffed it out for the sake of her love for him and our family.
my father was very ungrateful and one day at work, he was unforgivably rude towards my mother and that got the ball rolling. my mother slept downstairs for a few months cause she felt he has no authenticity in his apology. my father said he wasn't going to stop living his life and started going to dance clubs almost nightly. he met a crazy 27 yr old woman and filed for divorce. after 5 years, he broke up with her while dating another 30 yr old; who he has been with for the past 5 years. yeah...
needless to say, the past 10 years of my life have been the saddest time of my life. and it was and still is a messed up divorce arrangement. the whole thing! ugly, sad, complicated, destroyed dreams. my two brothers and i have all bore the pain in completely different ways. my older brother became bitter towards the world, does not believe in religion, just plain unhappy. while my beautiful younger brother who had a zest for life, was kind, patient and incredibly talented and smart...was silently shattered. i do not blame my parents divorce or my parents for his death, all i can say is it is very sad for all of us.
you chose how you see others; chose to see them in a unconditionally loving light and they will become that of how you see them. we all stink at times! i hope that people can learn to let things go, remember the love, chose to be happy with your life, appreciate eachother, and never let eachother go. be the change.
i have an older brother who is 36 who hates the world, a 31 year old brother who died of a drug overdose two weeks ago, and a half sister that is 7 from my father's 35 year old ex-girlfriend.
from agentina, my mother and father met in 1966 and were married in 1968. they both worked hard to save money and arrived here in his 21st birthday. they built a very successful company here together, and gave their all for a great life. because they grew up very poor, my father became a hard man who has always been caught up in appearance and material goods. when i was 13, my father was having an affair, which was completely devastating for us. but my mother forgave him. and tuffed it out for the sake of her love for him and our family.
my father was very ungrateful and one day at work, he was unforgivably rude towards my mother and that got the ball rolling. my mother slept downstairs for a few months cause she felt he has no authenticity in his apology. my father said he wasn't going to stop living his life and started going to dance clubs almost nightly. he met a crazy 27 yr old woman and filed for divorce. after 5 years, he broke up with her while dating another 30 yr old; who he has been with for the past 5 years. yeah...
needless to say, the past 10 years of my life have been the saddest time of my life. and it was and still is a messed up divorce arrangement. the whole thing! ugly, sad, complicated, destroyed dreams. my two brothers and i have all bore the pain in completely different ways. my older brother became bitter towards the world, does not believe in religion, just plain unhappy. while my beautiful younger brother who had a zest for life, was kind, patient and incredibly talented and smart...was silently shattered. i do not blame my parents divorce or my parents for his death, all i can say is it is very sad for all of us.
you chose how you see others; chose to see them in a unconditionally loving light and they will become that of how you see them. we all stink at times! i hope that people can learn to let things go, remember the love, chose to be happy with your life, appreciate eachother, and never let eachother go. be the change.
Dec 4, 2008 7:28 PM
Guest :
"There are also online support/discussion groups and websites created
by adult kids of divorce, which can give a voice to the feelings and
experiences of AKODs."
PLEASE list the website(s) for this if they do exist. I, like many people here, can't find anything, and this is not an adequate arena for seeking support. THANK YOU!
PLEASE list the website(s) for this if they do exist. I, like many people here, can't find anything, and this is not an adequate arena for seeking support. THANK YOU!
Dec 5, 2008 6:50 AM
Guest :
For the most recent posts: Divorce hurts the entire world - and the hurt
that it drops on the immediate family - especially the children - is always
devasting no matter the children's ages. There is a unique security in
healthy, and somtimes even the not so healthy marriage. Divorce for
whatever reason can be become a blessing to the children - and it's a plus
when there's trust already established in one of their parents. That parent
will not be the one who maligns the other. The parent that maintains the
trust of their children will be the more stable parent. The ideal situation
would be where there's trust in both, but this is rare.
Remember that you still have a life to live - allow that life to live through a moment of pain over a situation between 2 people who have made a decision. You have to view it as simply that - a decision. This is not to say that it is right or wrong, good or bad - and it IS a decision from which YOU should learn brings about choas. Marriage and family are never to be taken lightly. YOUR feelings are never to be taken lightly.
>>> But YOU now have a decision to make for YOURSELF. Will YOU move on - with or without your parent(s)? Without anger? Without bitterness? Without regret? Without guilt?
Emotion can be a stumbling block. Move on with confidence that YOU have a life to share with the world! Make it a life that YOU proud to share! YOU are responsible for YOU fisrt - this will make ALL the difference in the responsibilities you choose to make a part of your future - a wife/husband, children, your job. It will make a profound difference in the way YOU treat others - even your parents. Love yourself first - and extend an even greater attitude of grace and love toward those in your periphery. It requires a staying power that will balance and stabilize you emotionally.
YOU have every right to enjoy YOUR life!
IKE really has been a distraction for me - it is nice to be able to rejoin the conversations here!
Never be ashamed of your feelings.
My best to you all -
Remember that you still have a life to live - allow that life to live through a moment of pain over a situation between 2 people who have made a decision. You have to view it as simply that - a decision. This is not to say that it is right or wrong, good or bad - and it IS a decision from which YOU should learn brings about choas. Marriage and family are never to be taken lightly. YOUR feelings are never to be taken lightly.
>>> But YOU now have a decision to make for YOURSELF. Will YOU move on - with or without your parent(s)? Without anger? Without bitterness? Without regret? Without guilt?
Emotion can be a stumbling block. Move on with confidence that YOU have a life to share with the world! Make it a life that YOU proud to share! YOU are responsible for YOU fisrt - this will make ALL the difference in the responsibilities you choose to make a part of your future - a wife/husband, children, your job. It will make a profound difference in the way YOU treat others - even your parents. Love yourself first - and extend an even greater attitude of grace and love toward those in your periphery. It requires a staying power that will balance and stabilize you emotionally.
YOU have every right to enjoy YOUR life!
IKE really has been a distraction for me - it is nice to be able to rejoin the conversations here!
Never be ashamed of your feelings.
My best to you all -
Dec 5, 2008 8:17 AM
Victoria Anisman-Reiner :
Further resources that might be useful to those seeking support and
discussion:
Livejournal: http://community.livejournal.com/adultsofdivorce
Sue's Adult Kids of Divorce page lists several other resources: http://www.angelfire.com/sc/GoddessSue/
Livejournal: http://community.livejournal.com/adultsofdivorce
Sue's Adult Kids of Divorce page lists several other resources: http://www.angelfire.com/sc/GoddessSue/
Dec 26, 2008 3:37 PM
Guest :
My ex of 26 years left me for his best friends wife (she - interestingly
filed for divorce just before my ex told me he wanted someone who would do
what he wanted....)
Our adult son was beginning to adjust until the two married soon after her divorce was finalized and after our son became engaged. Things were starting to adjust again when son and wife were expecting and the stepmother decided she wanted a baby so now at age 42 she is expecting.
I choose not to see his father or be near him (my mother in law and I are close) until I finish healing; and I will not talk about his father as I am still full of anger and disgust. Son is angry I think at both of us... I have asked him to see a counselor - as I have. I don't know how to talk to him anymore - we used to be able to talk about anything.
He chose to 'park' at mine and his grandmothers home but when it comes to my beautiful baby granddaughter I am constantly chastised-- I don't hold her right, I don't speak to her right, everything I do is wrong - it is to a point where I wonder if he would be better off staying at his fathers as the stress is too much when I have to walk on pins and needles....any advice????
Our adult son was beginning to adjust until the two married soon after her divorce was finalized and after our son became engaged. Things were starting to adjust again when son and wife were expecting and the stepmother decided she wanted a baby so now at age 42 she is expecting.
I choose not to see his father or be near him (my mother in law and I are close) until I finish healing; and I will not talk about his father as I am still full of anger and disgust. Son is angry I think at both of us... I have asked him to see a counselor - as I have. I don't know how to talk to him anymore - we used to be able to talk about anything.
He chose to 'park' at mine and his grandmothers home but when it comes to my beautiful baby granddaughter I am constantly chastised-- I don't hold her right, I don't speak to her right, everything I do is wrong - it is to a point where I wonder if he would be better off staying at his fathers as the stress is too much when I have to walk on pins and needles....any advice????
Dec 29, 2008 4:36 PM
Guest :
So much similarity ... My parents divorced when I was four and neither of
them were active involved parents for me. I found a mother in my high
school girlfriend, and continued seeking mothers afterwards. Met my wife
at 26, we've been married now for 20 years (a record in my family), and we
are seriously considering divorce in '09 after the youngest graduates high
school. I love her as a mother to me and our children, and respect her
many fine qualities, but I haven't had sincere intimate attraction for her
in years. Our sex is a joke. We both need something Real and my departure
seems inevitable. Especially as the trust is broken: I got all infatuated
with another woman and never told my wife (who would?) but she found out, I
never touched her, but I did lend her money and tried (unsuccessfully) to
hide it, I've since kept my distance but the fact is, I am seeking the next
new woman whether I mean to or not and my wife cannot trust me. She in
turn needs certainty I cannot provide, and I (apparently in midlife crisis)
need the adventure and self-discovery that my social dysfunction prevented
me getting as a young man. So the die is very nearly cast. I am thankful
we have two strong well-adjusted kids whom we will always treat as our
children and not as marriage counselors. I'm glad I never actually
cheated. I look forward to the freedom, and I dread it, as I have never
been functionally single before. Anyway, it is all of a pattern, and my
focus will be on my kids being able to make improvements to the model they
were given just as I made improvements to the model I was given.
Feb 3, 2009 9:20 AM
Guest :
Hello,
I was very glad to find this site. I am a 25 year old student in medical school, and last week my mom called and informed me that my father asked her for a divorce. I am in school hours away from my parents, but I get a call from one or the other or both everyday. This has immediately affected my life, my schoolwork and rotations, and everything. I am recently engaged to be married myself, and I now realize that I don't even know what a happy marriage is! I am much closer to my mom than to my dad, and my dad (who never called me) keeps calling me to make sure I don't hate him. He reminds me that he pays my tuition and will pay for my wedding. My mom keeps telling me personal things about what she thinks my father is doing, and how he's planning to leave her destitute, but he assures me this isn't the case. I wish they wouldn't put me in the middle. I wish they weren't getting a divorce, and I wish they would have waited a year for my wedding and big graduation to be over before splitting up. Are we just a family of selfish people? My brother, who is 7 years younger than I am and is in his senior year of high school, is taking this very hard and won't talk about it to anyone. He's planning to attend college far from home now, and says that he won't be attending his high school graduation in June. My family is falling apart, and I'm taking this really hard. Any good advice on what I can tell my parents without jeopardizing my relationship with either of them? How can I help my brother?
Thanks,
"Jane"
I was very glad to find this site. I am a 25 year old student in medical school, and last week my mom called and informed me that my father asked her for a divorce. I am in school hours away from my parents, but I get a call from one or the other or both everyday. This has immediately affected my life, my schoolwork and rotations, and everything. I am recently engaged to be married myself, and I now realize that I don't even know what a happy marriage is! I am much closer to my mom than to my dad, and my dad (who never called me) keeps calling me to make sure I don't hate him. He reminds me that he pays my tuition and will pay for my wedding. My mom keeps telling me personal things about what she thinks my father is doing, and how he's planning to leave her destitute, but he assures me this isn't the case. I wish they wouldn't put me in the middle. I wish they weren't getting a divorce, and I wish they would have waited a year for my wedding and big graduation to be over before splitting up. Are we just a family of selfish people? My brother, who is 7 years younger than I am and is in his senior year of high school, is taking this very hard and won't talk about it to anyone. He's planning to attend college far from home now, and says that he won't be attending his high school graduation in June. My family is falling apart, and I'm taking this really hard. Any good advice on what I can tell my parents without jeopardizing my relationship with either of them? How can I help my brother?
Thanks,
"Jane"
Feb 4, 2009 11:32 AM
Guest :
I am 22. I am a senior in college and got engaged to be married last
summer. I found out the day before Thanksgiving 2008 that my mom fell in
love with another man and had been seeing him on the side. She told my dad
the day after thier 30th wedding anniversary a few weeks before
Thanksgiving. My mom never came hjome while I was home for the holidays so
I wrote her a letter to tell her how I felt. She called me and yelled at me
telling me that I judged her so I apparently am not allowed to have
feelings or express myself according to me mother. I hate her. My father
moved out this past weekend and the same day my mom's new boyfriend moved
in. I told her I do not want him living in our house that I am
uncomfortable with this and need time. My 14 year old brother is there all
the time and says that the household dynamic is awkward. My brother has a
learning disability and few freinds. I am afraid he will start acting out
and my mom will ignore all warning signs. I also feel guilty about planning
my own wedding, my family is getting smaller by the day because of this and
my school work is suffering because I can not sleep or concentrate. Luckily
my fiancee is supportive and knows that I would never place myself in a
situation like my mom did, but my wedding is still going to be awkward and
I'm not sure if I want to invite my mom or if I will even attend her
wedding if she marries this new boyfriend.
Thanks for listening. Any advice?
"Vanessa"
Thanks for listening. Any advice?
"Vanessa"
Feb 5, 2009 8:33 AM
Guest :
I am the oldest of three children and will turn 30 next month. My husband
and I live with my parents who have been married 32 years as we have
recently returned to the Uk after living abroad. We came back from work
yesterday to find that my mother has left. She is refusing to speak to my
dad or my brother and sister, but has told us she is having an affair - but
claims she isn't living with him. I am full of hatred towards her after
seeing my dad in the state he is in. He isn't abusive towards her and
doesn't drink - he gives her everything she wants. It is now up to the
children to pick up the pieces - my sister has been off work to help and my
brother is trying to finish his finally peices of work for his degree which
are due in this month. I just can't see how we can cope - and we have no
one to turn to for support.
Feb 8, 2009 8:51 PM
Guest :
I have been summoned to appear in my parents divorce hearing this week.
My parents began having problems that were visible to me about three years ago, but I chalked it up to the whole empty nest thing as my younger brother was just moving out of the house. This past summer they spent their 32nd anniversary separated. My mother has done everything in her power to sever my relationship (and my sibling's) with my father including attempting to push photos of his adultery on me. She states she has proof that he has been with another woman on nights that I know he has slept in my spare room. Our relationship has suffered horribly & I am questioning my own character & marriage. Up until now, my relationship with my dad has been relatively normal: we don't discuss the elephant in the room & pretend that it is normal that he comes to visit & spends the night (totally weird). My father's attys initiated the summons as they say it is imperative that they prove my mother is trying to undermine my relationship with my father and to testify that there were evident problems with their marriage before the other woman my mother has identified even met my father. What do I do?
My parents began having problems that were visible to me about three years ago, but I chalked it up to the whole empty nest thing as my younger brother was just moving out of the house. This past summer they spent their 32nd anniversary separated. My mother has done everything in her power to sever my relationship (and my sibling's) with my father including attempting to push photos of his adultery on me. She states she has proof that he has been with another woman on nights that I know he has slept in my spare room. Our relationship has suffered horribly & I am questioning my own character & marriage. Up until now, my relationship with my dad has been relatively normal: we don't discuss the elephant in the room & pretend that it is normal that he comes to visit & spends the night (totally weird). My father's attys initiated the summons as they say it is imperative that they prove my mother is trying to undermine my relationship with my father and to testify that there were evident problems with their marriage before the other woman my mother has identified even met my father. What do I do?
Feb 14, 2009 8:58 AM
Guest :
My parents have been married for almost 28 years. As a kid growing up I was
the only one to still have parents married, but also still in love and
affectionate towards each other. Over the past few years they have been
falling apart and I have become a shoulder to lean on or vent to. I am 22
years old with a 27 year old brother. They announced to us they were
officially divorcing and have an appt with a lawyer next week. They're
already in a lot of debt so expect to have to file bankrupcty and lose the
house (they wouldnt make enough if they sold it and go their separate ways.
My parents have been paying for my college, I still have a 2.5 semsters
left and they told me I need to get a loan of my own and pay for school
myself. I have several health problems and have been unable to work full
time in years, so getting a loan won't be easy. Even though I knew the
divorce was coming, sitting down as a family and making it
"official" has broke my heart. I feel like since I'm an adult, I
need to grow up and not act "like a child" about it. Also, I am
resentful towards my father for many reasons leading up to the divorce and
don't expect to ever have a close relationship with him and fear my mother
is going to fall to pieces since she is already severely depressed and on
disability for a back injury, so financially she will struggle WAY more
than my father. I feel like there is a lot of pressure on me to help take
care of her and I don't feel like I can handle all that stess right now, I
have already been taking care of her for years through her illnesses. I
feel guilty for feeling all of this. My question is... any Adult Child of
Divorce.. How do you know when it's okay to let a parent lean on you and
when to take a step back for your own emotional well being??
thank you
-Ambellina
thank you
-Ambellina
Feb 17, 2009 6:45 PM
Guest :
Well add me to the statistics....never thought it would happen but I
decided to step out on my wife after years of internal unhappiness. I
didn't express my unhappiness as loudly as I should have I guess or she
chose to ignore it. There was always something more important and we
focused on raising two great boys who are now 20 and 24.
My infidelity was found out and she cannot get past this in order for us to fix it...and to tell you the truth I'm tired of living with someone I haven't really loved for many years.
Tonight we told them over the phone that we were seeing lawyers and separating. They are both hurt but were making mature assurances of their love and support for us both.
I appreciate finding this site because it makes me realize that they are still children at heart (as we all are) who will be hurt and deeply affected by this and I must be there for them too....it is about them too and I must remember that. We had already decided on maturity and dignity and established the no bad mouthing thing.
We are going to divorce using collaborative law and hoping this can work and lessen animosity.
My infidelity was found out and she cannot get past this in order for us to fix it...and to tell you the truth I'm tired of living with someone I haven't really loved for many years.
Tonight we told them over the phone that we were seeing lawyers and separating. They are both hurt but were making mature assurances of their love and support for us both.
I appreciate finding this site because it makes me realize that they are still children at heart (as we all are) who will be hurt and deeply affected by this and I must be there for them too....it is about them too and I must remember that. We had already decided on maturity and dignity and established the no bad mouthing thing.
We are going to divorce using collaborative law and hoping this can work and lessen animosity.
Feb 20, 2009 6:21 PM
Guest :
I am a divorced father of three adult children including a 20 year old son
who "chose"' to leave with my ex wife one day in April 2007.
Chose is in parentheses since he really didn't have a choice as I didn't
know they were leaving and thus had no input into providing choices for
him. Despite overtures to my ex to discuss providing the right messages to
my son so that both parents are involved in his life she cannot bring
herself to do so. Thus my son remains angry and distanced from me. He had
to keep the secret that his mother was going to leave me to himself. What a
burden to put on an 18 year old. There was no infidelity just unhappiness I
guess. No forwarding address was provided and although my son remains in
the community near where I live and I see him occasionally he continues to
blame me for the breakup. His self esteem has suffered greatly. I feel
helpless and can only continue to be patient and as supportive as I can.
If I have any advice for divorcing parents of any age child including adults it is that despite all the anger and upset that comes with the divorce the most important parties in a divorce are the children and they need and are entitled to the love and support of both parents. They should not be used as pawns in a power struggle.
If I have any advice for divorcing parents of any age child including adults it is that despite all the anger and upset that comes with the divorce the most important parties in a divorce are the children and they need and are entitled to the love and support of both parents. They should not be used as pawns in a power struggle.
Mar 3, 2009 11:18 PM
Guest :
I see myself in so many of these... I kept wondering if that was my mother
or sister posting until I saw the age didn't match up.
What does one do when one of the parents really is in the right and the other is in the wrong? My father used to be a good person, but he developed a drinking problem. We finally got him to admit it and get help, but it took my mom moving out of the house to get him moving. I was in college by this point. Despite my father's drinking problem, my parents still had a pretty strong relationship. They ran a business together and talked on the phone several times a day. Neither of them thought of themselves as separated; they both just knew that he needed space to beat his drinking problem and that we were going crazy thinking we could do anything about it. But then the real problem happened. Suddenly his entire demeanor shifted and he became more distant from my mom. You guessed it: cheating. And with a girl 20 years younger. He became this selfish, emotionally abusive monster who bears no resemblance whatsoever to my Dad. He lost his (very good) job, but refuses to get another one at the same level because he would have to ditch his girlfriend. He was, and largely still is, our sole means of support. He uses this as a tool to manipulate the kids (the youngest of whom is 18) into talking to him.
My brother and I refuse to talk to him anymore and have pretty much accepted that our Dad is dead, but my sister is very easily guilted into feeling bad for him. She has always had a soft heart and been easy to push around and he knows it. Considering all the horrible, horrible things he has done to all of us in the past year, it very much hurts and angers me that she keeps talking to him and keeps slipping into feeling sorry for him. We need to stick together, but her actions are upsetting everyone and enabling him. What the hell am I supposed to do?
What does one do when one of the parents really is in the right and the other is in the wrong? My father used to be a good person, but he developed a drinking problem. We finally got him to admit it and get help, but it took my mom moving out of the house to get him moving. I was in college by this point. Despite my father's drinking problem, my parents still had a pretty strong relationship. They ran a business together and talked on the phone several times a day. Neither of them thought of themselves as separated; they both just knew that he needed space to beat his drinking problem and that we were going crazy thinking we could do anything about it. But then the real problem happened. Suddenly his entire demeanor shifted and he became more distant from my mom. You guessed it: cheating. And with a girl 20 years younger. He became this selfish, emotionally abusive monster who bears no resemblance whatsoever to my Dad. He lost his (very good) job, but refuses to get another one at the same level because he would have to ditch his girlfriend. He was, and largely still is, our sole means of support. He uses this as a tool to manipulate the kids (the youngest of whom is 18) into talking to him.
My brother and I refuse to talk to him anymore and have pretty much accepted that our Dad is dead, but my sister is very easily guilted into feeling bad for him. She has always had a soft heart and been easy to push around and he knows it. Considering all the horrible, horrible things he has done to all of us in the past year, it very much hurts and angers me that she keeps talking to him and keeps slipping into feeling sorry for him. We need to stick together, but her actions are upsetting everyone and enabling him. What the hell am I supposed to do?
Mar 10, 2009 12:32 AM
Guest :
ive just been informed today that my dad and step mom are getting a
divorce. and well im 19 and literally just met my dad for the first time in
january of this year. ummm lets just say the beginning and the middle of my
life seem to be a huge flop and im now at the piont where i really dont
care. i moved away from everything to be with my dad only to find out that
he finds no problem in looking up russian mail order brides and seem to
have no affection towards my step mom who take time out of her super busy
chedule to get to know me but my dad doesnt want to seem to take the time
out of his schedule of sitting around the house to get to know the only son
who really wanted to get to know him. i have a half brother that ive never
met but from what ive heard my dad screwed up there to. i dont have any
friends to confide in down here and the ones fbk from where im from i
really dont want themto know about the fact tht i moved from one messe up
situation to another. so the only thing i really ihave rite now is my
thoughts in my head and well thats not going well either. let me know your
thoughts on thing!
Mar 13, 2009 11:49 PM
Guest :
Hello,
I found this site looking for something to help me cope with my divorce. It was a hard one, one I didn't want and I have an adult son with children. I have been divorced for sometime and still have feelings for my X (rejection, and anger). He left me for a friend of mine.
My question is how do I share my grandchildren with my X's new wife, we were friends for years. I don't want to hurt my son but it hurts me to think that she will get to have them too. I really want to get over it any advice out there for me. I want to move on.
I found this site looking for something to help me cope with my divorce. It was a hard one, one I didn't want and I have an adult son with children. I have been divorced for sometime and still have feelings for my X (rejection, and anger). He left me for a friend of mine.
My question is how do I share my grandchildren with my X's new wife, we were friends for years. I don't want to hurt my son but it hurts me to think that she will get to have them too. I really want to get over it any advice out there for me. I want to move on.
Mar 17, 2009 12:33 PM
Guest :
My father left my mother 3 days after xmas 2007 - 15 months ago - they are
82 and have been married for 61 years . my father is now living with a
youngish woman - about 50 i think - who had been living in a bedsit and was
and continues to be unemployed , they had been having an secret affair for
about 12 months. The fall-out has been awful and i,m absolutely furious
with my father and dont know what to do with my anger . I feel really upset
about the fact that he expects me to pick up the pieces when he knows i
have had a stress related illness for some time.Im also furious that my
parents have gone from being fairly wealthy to not very well off because my
father has spent a LOT of money on his girlfreind - money that my mother
has earned and worked hard for all her life . my sister absolutely cannot
even mention it and the grand and great grand children have been left
confused. The whole thing is a complete mess.
Mar 20, 2009 6:54 AM
Guest :
Hi everyone. My father left my mother after 40 years of marriage...he did
it in a horrible way - telling myself and my sister before actually
breaking the news to my mom. And things have deteriorated from there. My
sister and I barely speak to him now.
Although I am incredibly distraught over the "death" of my family as I once knew it, I have to admit I am also a bit relieved. I always thought my parents were the gold-standard of relationships and that I should strive for what they had together. How wrong I was. Before they split, I was actually questioning my own marriage because my wife and I didn't seem to intertwine the way I thought my parents did. Now my marriage is stronger than ever (in part due to supporting each other through this ordeal) and my parents despise each other. It was almost like someone lifted this big weight off my shoulders because I no longer had these expectations heaped on me, about having the "great" marriage my parents did.
The other "positive" that has resulted from the split is that my wife and my mother get along so much better. Has anyone else had this experience? Whereas before the split my wife had some tension with her mother-in-law, after the split my wife and mom seemed to bond...although initially their favourite topic was bashing my dad. This left me feeling completely torn - I was delighted to see my wife and mom getting along, but I felt guilty sitting there and allowing them to rip my dad to shreds (altho he deserved it in many instances - for his infidelity, money-hoarding, etc.).
The comments about ACODs above, and the blogs, are completely bang-on -it is a very difficult, very confusing, almost surreal thing to go through. I feel for all of you, and my heart goes out to that last blogger with the 82 year old parents...I hope you're coping ok and keeping your chin up.
All the best to everyone.
Although I am incredibly distraught over the "death" of my family as I once knew it, I have to admit I am also a bit relieved. I always thought my parents were the gold-standard of relationships and that I should strive for what they had together. How wrong I was. Before they split, I was actually questioning my own marriage because my wife and I didn't seem to intertwine the way I thought my parents did. Now my marriage is stronger than ever (in part due to supporting each other through this ordeal) and my parents despise each other. It was almost like someone lifted this big weight off my shoulders because I no longer had these expectations heaped on me, about having the "great" marriage my parents did.
The other "positive" that has resulted from the split is that my wife and my mother get along so much better. Has anyone else had this experience? Whereas before the split my wife had some tension with her mother-in-law, after the split my wife and mom seemed to bond...although initially their favourite topic was bashing my dad. This left me feeling completely torn - I was delighted to see my wife and mom getting along, but I felt guilty sitting there and allowing them to rip my dad to shreds (altho he deserved it in many instances - for his infidelity, money-hoarding, etc.).
The comments about ACODs above, and the blogs, are completely bang-on -it is a very difficult, very confusing, almost surreal thing to go through. I feel for all of you, and my heart goes out to that last blogger with the 82 year old parents...I hope you're coping ok and keeping your chin up.
All the best to everyone.
Mar 21, 2009 12:19 PM
Guest :
Wow - this is a powerful site! Thank you for sharing.
I am 26 and an ACOD. My parents got divorced when I was 18, a freshman in college. My parents never fought, etc., but were not happy. At first hearing the news I thought "good, they will be happy now". I didn't think about how it would affect me. For me dealing with it left me drinking, etc. too much, having clingy relationships that ended poorly, not being able to trust people, and forgetting to care for myself(really really important).
I am still in therapy (on and off 9 years!). I am learning to set boundries, have a relationship with both parents, understand the resulting confusion, stunted emotional development and depression/anxiety I often feel.
I was touched by the writings from the 20-ish group (I am there!)I feel and felt the same way. My advice:
1. Go to therapy (if you can, if you are at college you can get some good services free/minimal cost). Therapy is not a quick fix, but something to help you grow - and it hurts, but worth the healing! Make sure you feel some type of connection with the therapist - if not, not the right one, find another.
2. Read a book about the grieving process. You need to greive the loss (there is one called Rebuilding: After your relationship ends, by bruce fisher. It is for divored people, but does a good simple job of recovery). Any book generally says the same stuff about grief - processes with steps.
3. Share your parents divorce with people - and try to connect with people in similar situations. I talk to selct ACOD friends and it is a good way to not feel alone. You might relate to some stuff, you might now. YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO FEELS "ICKY" and you need to connect with people to heal.
4.Learn to set boundries with your parents. You don't need to fix them, or make them happy. That is their job. You need to keep yourself well. Learn phrases like "it sounds like you are having a hard time", "I am sorry to hear that" "let me give that some thought" to stop converstions and move on. You are not their therapist, and trying to be will make you miserable. Take note of when you feel anxious talking to them. Reflect and see if there are nonjudgemental ways to change conversation or the situation (I won't do certain things with my mom becuase I feel trapped - long drives)
5.Your parents divorce doens't mean you can't have a wonderful relationship. You are a very special person - you are not your parents.
XO 4 healing!
I am 26 and an ACOD. My parents got divorced when I was 18, a freshman in college. My parents never fought, etc., but were not happy. At first hearing the news I thought "good, they will be happy now". I didn't think about how it would affect me. For me dealing with it left me drinking, etc. too much, having clingy relationships that ended poorly, not being able to trust people, and forgetting to care for myself(really really important).
I am still in therapy (on and off 9 years!). I am learning to set boundries, have a relationship with both parents, understand the resulting confusion, stunted emotional development and depression/anxiety I often feel.
I was touched by the writings from the 20-ish group (I am there!)I feel and felt the same way. My advice:
1. Go to therapy (if you can, if you are at college you can get some good services free/minimal cost). Therapy is not a quick fix, but something to help you grow - and it hurts, but worth the healing! Make sure you feel some type of connection with the therapist - if not, not the right one, find another.
2. Read a book about the grieving process. You need to greive the loss (there is one called Rebuilding: After your relationship ends, by bruce fisher. It is for divored people, but does a good simple job of recovery). Any book generally says the same stuff about grief - processes with steps.
3. Share your parents divorce with people - and try to connect with people in similar situations. I talk to selct ACOD friends and it is a good way to not feel alone. You might relate to some stuff, you might now. YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO FEELS "ICKY" and you need to connect with people to heal.
4.Learn to set boundries with your parents. You don't need to fix them, or make them happy. That is their job. You need to keep yourself well. Learn phrases like "it sounds like you are having a hard time", "I am sorry to hear that" "let me give that some thought" to stop converstions and move on. You are not their therapist, and trying to be will make you miserable. Take note of when you feel anxious talking to them. Reflect and see if there are nonjudgemental ways to change conversation or the situation (I won't do certain things with my mom becuase I feel trapped - long drives)
5.Your parents divorce doens't mean you can't have a wonderful relationship. You are a very special person - you are not your parents.
XO 4 healing!
Apr 1, 2009 3:59 PM
Guest :
Im almost 20 years old and i hate when people say that because im older and
can understand the situation more that it shouldn't affect me. Well how can
it not affect you when you find out that your father who you looked up too
has been cheating on your mother for 3 years and is dating this woman on
the side. My mother is a wonderful woman who has a full time job and is
also going to school. Last January, my father moved out of the house and my
mother and i had no idea what was going on. That was an extremely hard
year.It was hard because i grew up in this small town and still live there.
All the good times we had and all the fun. Everybody knows everybody. My
father is well respected in the community and it is so embarrising. I had
to be there for my mom as she tried to figure out how she could save her
marriage because she doesnt believe in divorce. I blamed myself. I thought
he must not love me any more because Im not doing well in school or I didnt
turn out to be the daughter he thought I would be. Financially, it got
harder. He didnt kick us out of the house or anything like that but it was
still the thought of it all. When it all came out in the open that he was
seeing this woman i didnt know what to think. My mothers faith grew
stronger as she prayed and prayed for strength. They have been talking
about divorce for a year and a half and nothing. They finally got legally
separated but he is still putting it off and putting it off. It kills me to
see him and her together. The hardest part is seeing what it does to my
mom. She is so strong but it is still painful because none of this is fair
to her. Even as a sophomore in college, it still affects me and my
relationships with my wonderful boyfriend. I'll snap sometimes or think
he's comparing me to past girlfriends because i hear my mom do the same. I
know understand why young children often have hard times developing
relationships. You look at everything with a "jaded eye". But
even at 19 1/2 it can still be unbearable. Sometimes it almost harder when
all you've known for 19 years it gone in a snap. I guess i just needed to
vent a bit. Thanks for everyone for all the advice. My one little piece of
advice would be try to find the light through the darkness. If my dad and
this lady end up together, i will have an adorable little stepbrother.
XOXO your not alone
XOXO your not alone
Apr 13, 2009 2:40 PM
Guest :
I'm so grateful to the poster of March 21st 09, that's some great advice. I
don't have any friends whose parents are divorced and still alive so
reading these posts has made me feel less alone - I don't want to call on
friends for sympathy when they would give anything to have a mom or dad
that they could moan about! Thanks for sharing. It's hard for everyone
involved in a divorce but I think there are two reasons why it's hardest
for children of all ages: 1) there's no sense of "ownership" of
the process (you have no say over how and when it happens) 2) the conflict
between loving your parents, and being angry with them and having people
you love hate other people you love is mindblowing stuff. Plus it's not
just little kids who think it's their fault - all the old cliches are true!
You think you should be able to deal with this "complicated
stuff" because you're an adult. But give yourselves a break (I wish I
had), why on earth would you be able to? And give your parents a break, why
would your divorcing parents know how to behave for the best unless they
learnt it from their parents divorcing? A surprising positive outcome for
me is that if my parents hadn't admitted their marriage wasn't ok (as they
had pretended) then I would still have a false idea of what a healthy
marriage looked like. I also wonder if I would have ever got to really know
them as individuals if they'd stayed together. Of course I'd rather they'd
done things differently but that's a couple of silver linings anyway. I
agree with the advice to go for therapy, but DO make sure you have friends
to support you as you go through it because it can make you face up to some
powerful stuff. It's not an easy option by any means. It will make you
stronger though in the long run. Also look at the following websites which
can help deal with or defend against depression (that can go with being an
ACOD):
http://www.findingoptimism.com/blog/
http://www.moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome/new/splash free tool for cognitive behavior therapy
http://www.mind.org.uk/
Good luck. x
http://www.findingoptimism.com/blog/
http://www.moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome/new/splash free tool for cognitive behavior therapy
http://www.mind.org.uk/
Good luck. x
Apr 16, 2009 4:19 AM
Guest :
This is such a wonderful site! I am also 22, my parents have been married
for 27 years, and my dad just left my mom a week ago today. At first I was
furious for his decision. How can you leave a relationship that you worked
so hard to create? But after talking to my dad for 2 hours yesterday, I
really just want to understand and love him. I feel guilty that I am not
"hating" my dad like my mom is. I feel that I am betraying
her!
My parents just have my sister who is 25 and I for children. My sister and I are really starting to feel the same way on the situation, but I almost feel like I am not being sympathetic to my mom like I should be. Did anyone else have this problem with their parents?
When my dad left, he said that he moved in with a "friend." He later told me that she is a really great woman and she is not out to hurt my mom, sister, or I. I really don't want to hate this woman, but I feel like I am betraying my mom by not automatically hating her.
I am sorry if this is kind of jumbled together, there is so much I want to understand, but I guess these are my first confusing issues. Any words of advise would be Much Appreciated. Thank you!
My parents just have my sister who is 25 and I for children. My sister and I are really starting to feel the same way on the situation, but I almost feel like I am not being sympathetic to my mom like I should be. Did anyone else have this problem with their parents?
When my dad left, he said that he moved in with a "friend." He later told me that she is a really great woman and she is not out to hurt my mom, sister, or I. I really don't want to hate this woman, but I feel like I am betraying my mom by not automatically hating her.
I am sorry if this is kind of jumbled together, there is so much I want to understand, but I guess these are my first confusing issues. Any words of advise would be Much Appreciated. Thank you!
Apr 16, 2009 4:52 AM
Guest :
I was informed yesterday that my parents have decided to divorce. It's been
mentioned in the past that they were contemplating it but nothing ever came
about. The first time was 10 years ago.
I've always known they haven't been happily married. I've always explained to my friends that I thought they were just comfortable and didn't want to leave that comfort zone they had spent 26 years creating.
After the news from my Dad yesterday I feel like my whole life is crashing down before my eyes. I'm 25 and live at home with my parents and my youngest sister who just turned 17 on two days ago.
I think I feel hurt by the situation. I've never had a good relationship with my Mom. I've tried going out of my way to spend quality time with her, like taking her away on trips but nothing ever changes. This morning as I was sitting in my room I heard her saying goodbye to my sister. I waited to see if she would come in to say goodbye to me and she didn't. I even went out to the kitchen to see if she would say anything and still nothing came. I suppose I could have spoken up before she walked out the door but I feel like I'm always the one making the effort.
Both of my parents are wanting my sister to move with them once the house sells. I know my sister is leaning towards living with my Dad which I know is going to break my mothers heart. I worry that she wont be strong enough to get through this. My Dad has said that I'm more then welcomed to come live with him once the house sells. I've been ready to move out for awhile now I just figured I would do a little bit more traveling before I had to settle down. I'm worried for my sister that she's going to get caught in the middle. My Dad has told her that she's under no obligation to live with him but she knows it's the best situation. My Mom is bribing her with the idea of getting a dog once she gets settled (She's always hated animals)
I worry that once they go through with this divorce I'll basically lose any relationship I had with both my parents. My Dad's a homebody and doesn't like going out very much and well I couldn't even see my Mom calling me to say hi unless she needed something. What are the holidays going to be like?
I HATE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry about this long rant that probably doesn't even make sense. I just needed to get some thoughts out of my head. I haven't told any of my friends yet. I can't bring myself to do it! If I tell people that means it's a reality...
I've always known they haven't been happily married. I've always explained to my friends that I thought they were just comfortable and didn't want to leave that comfort zone they had spent 26 years creating.
After the news from my Dad yesterday I feel like my whole life is crashing down before my eyes. I'm 25 and live at home with my parents and my youngest sister who just turned 17 on two days ago.
I think I feel hurt by the situation. I've never had a good relationship with my Mom. I've tried going out of my way to spend quality time with her, like taking her away on trips but nothing ever changes. This morning as I was sitting in my room I heard her saying goodbye to my sister. I waited to see if she would come in to say goodbye to me and she didn't. I even went out to the kitchen to see if she would say anything and still nothing came. I suppose I could have spoken up before she walked out the door but I feel like I'm always the one making the effort.
Both of my parents are wanting my sister to move with them once the house sells. I know my sister is leaning towards living with my Dad which I know is going to break my mothers heart. I worry that she wont be strong enough to get through this. My Dad has said that I'm more then welcomed to come live with him once the house sells. I've been ready to move out for awhile now I just figured I would do a little bit more traveling before I had to settle down. I'm worried for my sister that she's going to get caught in the middle. My Dad has told her that she's under no obligation to live with him but she knows it's the best situation. My Mom is bribing her with the idea of getting a dog once she gets settled (She's always hated animals)
I worry that once they go through with this divorce I'll basically lose any relationship I had with both my parents. My Dad's a homebody and doesn't like going out very much and well I couldn't even see my Mom calling me to say hi unless she needed something. What are the holidays going to be like?
I HATE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry about this long rant that probably doesn't even make sense. I just needed to get some thoughts out of my head. I haven't told any of my friends yet. I can't bring myself to do it! If I tell people that means it's a reality...
Apr 16, 2009 7:16 AM
Guest :
Hi. I dont know how to deal with my situation. My parents are splitting, my
mother threatens to leave, will go and stay with a friend and my dad cries
on my shoulder. This happened and then everything seemed fine for a couple
more months, but the situation has reared its ugly head again and seems
quite serious as my mom has told some of the family members. I have been
staying with my boyfriend and his family for a few days as I dont want to
get in the middle as I am extremely sensitive and feel like I need to fix
the situation but can't. I am meeting my mom tonight to talk about what is
happening because I believe that I have a right to know what is going on.
Im struggling though. What can I do....I feel as though I am going to freak
out!
Apr 21, 2009 2:00 PM
Guest :
I'm 30 years old and engaged. My father has struggled with depression and
social anxiety his whole life. He was spoiled as a child and because he
didn't get a nice condo and new car when he turned 50 he has decided to
change the only thing he can in his life and leave my mom with all the old,
broken down stuff and expects her to pay him off so he can go live the
"goodlife". He thinks that if he says mean hurtful things to her
in hopes that she will just get so pissed off that she will sign the
divorce papers to get him out of her hair. He has gone so far as to camp
out in the driveway in his RV for the past 4 months instead of getting an
apartment.
Well, he finally slipped up and admitted to me that he has been cheating on her. That is all she needs to get an attorney and take his sorry butt to court.
I'm so tired of him bad mouthing her and telling me that he will do anything and everything it takes to piss her off so she will sign the papers with out an attorney.
I know I have taken sides and I'm to the point that I would go into court and tell them that he confessed. It would destroy my father and his side of the family, however I don't think anyone understands how mentally ill he has become. I dont feel that my mother, a positive do gooder should have to pay him off after all the support she has given him.
Well, he finally slipped up and admitted to me that he has been cheating on her. That is all she needs to get an attorney and take his sorry butt to court.
I'm so tired of him bad mouthing her and telling me that he will do anything and everything it takes to piss her off so she will sign the papers with out an attorney.
I know I have taken sides and I'm to the point that I would go into court and tell them that he confessed. It would destroy my father and his side of the family, however I don't think anyone understands how mentally ill he has become. I dont feel that my mother, a positive do gooder should have to pay him off after all the support she has given him.
Apr 24, 2009 12:29 AM
Guest :
I have had a very disturbed childhood. My dad is physically impaired and my
mom is not from a very well to do family, but a very respectable family who
always sticks to their principles. They have been married for some 26 years
now of which i think only 10 yeras were at peace. Later my uncle got
married n everybdy was very partial towards my aunt. everythn that was a
big no for my mom became a big yes for my aunt. And my aunt is an evil
bitch. she led to partitions in the family. even my grandmom chose to stay
with my uncle and aunt and abdundant our family like we never existed. its
been 10 years since we have been seperated from our uncles family. but even
today the fights in our family havnt cm2 an end. My father blames my mom
for his family having left him. though it is not my moms mistake but coz of
my aunt who belongged to a well off family and my grand mom who was inticed
with the charm of money. i am 25 yrs of age n my parents have been fighting
continiously ever since i remember. my mom has even tried to commit suicide
which is completely disaprove of, but my father has never tried to mellow
down and sort things out. i am really disturbed wid all dat is hapnn. i
myself hav had 3 unsucceful relationships, the last one where my guy was
two timing me.
i have lost all trust in relationships and now i cant even try to solve my parents fight. i have given up coz i dnt think thr is anythn i can do. they just dnt listen and keep crying their own woes. i think my family is going to shatter any moment. i dnt want my younger siblings to go throught the missiries. i myself have no idea wats gona happn to my life. my frenz think i m d happiest one aroun with no pain. but this is smthn i cannot discuss wid anybdy, if my parents get divorced i wont be able to face the dilema. i dunno wat to do. i just feel like running away smwhr. Please help me. i really hope everythings gona be fine at my plc. but i think that's too much to ask for. what have i done to diserve all of this. i have never been mean to anybdy or caused any sorta probs. then y is all this hapnn only wid my family.
i have lost all trust in relationships and now i cant even try to solve my parents fight. i have given up coz i dnt think thr is anythn i can do. they just dnt listen and keep crying their own woes. i think my family is going to shatter any moment. i dnt want my younger siblings to go throught the missiries. i myself have no idea wats gona happn to my life. my frenz think i m d happiest one aroun with no pain. but this is smthn i cannot discuss wid anybdy, if my parents get divorced i wont be able to face the dilema. i dunno wat to do. i just feel like running away smwhr. Please help me. i really hope everythings gona be fine at my plc. but i think that's too much to ask for. what have i done to diserve all of this. i have never been mean to anybdy or caused any sorta probs. then y is all this hapnn only wid my family.
Apr 25, 2009 12:12 PM
:
Im 18 and my parents just separated today. i cant help but feel its my
fault. i just didnt do enough around the house maybe i said something. its
making me really depressed. depressed to the point of suicide. i cant take
this pain im feeling i cant stop crying. i have 2 brothers. one is a 20 yr
old good for noting the other is only 6. i dont want to leave him. but i
just cant take it. i love my little brother but......he shouldnt have to go
through this hes lonely enough as it is since his friend moved a month ago.
now my mom left him too. mom is on unemployment since her job was shutdown
bout a year ago. my dad rarely works when he doesnt work he smokes pot. i
just feel so useless. i dont know what to do. if i wasnt in the army id be
slicing my wrists right now.....but if the cause of death is suicide then
no life insurance check for them.....i should just go walk in traffic and
pray i get hit cuz i dont deserve to live. money is really tight round here
and if i die.......they could really use that money..... my brother would
be better off. money solves everything right? thats the way it is in this
world.... i have yet to feel love....but it isnt worth it. love is just
anther word or pain and suffering....i cant take it....i dont deserve
this..... my brothers college would be paid for. why should i live? i would
bring nothing to this family......
Apr 26, 2009 5:52 PM
Guest :
I am 20 years old, and my parents divorce was just finalized about five
months ago. I feel that I'm moving forward (the divorce process took about
two years), so I've had time to accept and cope. However, the problem is
that both my parents had affairs while in the marriage. My dad had an
affair earlier, when I was very young, and my mom very late (when I was a
junior in highschool). My parents got divorced because of my mom's affair.
My dad just couldn't get over the fact that she had done that to him. Now
that my parents are divorced, my mom is still seeing the man that she
cheated on my dad with. This man is now separated from his wife, but as of
very recently. I'm so torn...if I accepted this man, my dad would be
absolutely crushed...this man caused my parents' divorce. However, if he
makes my mom happy, how could I not accept him? I feel that I'm in a
lose-lose situation, and I have no clue how to deal with it.
May 19, 2009 6:02 PM
Guest :
Well, I'm 22 now and my parents decided to get divorced when I was 21. It
was a long time coming and I had heard both sides to the story having been
the only child. There was no adultery or infidelity, but my Dad was hardly
ever around because of work and my Mom NEVER voiced her opinion or stood up
for herself. I was living in Chicago when they announced their divorce and
I knew that there was no way my Mom would be able to support herself after
the divorce even with my Dad's alomony. It just so happened that my job
could no longer 'afford' to keep me so I decided to move back home. I am
now torn between both parents. They wanted to use a mediator but my Mom
went to a lawyer for advice and now it has gotten into a bitter divorce.
Today my Mom said she doesn't want to ever see, hear from, or talk to my
Dad again. I love them both and know their marriage is far from repairable
and I do not want them back together but I want my Mom to get OVER this
intense anger she feels and has felt for the past years. She doesnt even
want my Dad and I taking the dogs to the dogpark together anymore. I don't
want to ruin my relationship with them by being caught in the middle. I
said I didn't want to be in the middle and BOTH have forced me into this
position. I wonder if moving out on my own would do any good, but since my
Mom and I can't afford not to be roommates, its hard to separate the
situation. Any more ADVICE would really help! I try to distance myself and
I still get caught up in everything. I have refused to show up at their
court date or testify. Help!
May 19, 2009 10:38 PM
Guest :
i am 37 and this divorce between my mom and dad after 35 years of mairrage
will be the hardest thing that ever hit my family. i am
distraught,still,even after reading everything i can find on this subject.
i am in a deep greiving that i don't know what to do with. greiving
doesn't even describe it. i need to tell my 17 year old son and i just
don't know how to. the divorce papers will be served on thursday the 21st
and i am afraid of the wave of terror it will unleash on our family. i
don't know wether to tell him now(he is finishing finals this week) or to
wait til he is done.......if anyone can help me and they run across my
little additiona comment to this site, i would really be willing to listen
to any advice they could send my way. addy is dianaallen26@yahoo.com
May 28, 2009 12:39 AM
Guest :
Hello all,
I posted on this site a few months back after my parents announced that they were getting divorced after 25 years. Even after 1 year to deal with it, I still feel so deeply alone.
While I appreciate that this site exists, it's simply not as good of a forum for support as it could be, and many of the other sites this one has suggested are sadly defunct, so I made this little message board where we can have discussions and maybe even be of help to each other.
It's very bare-bones, but we'll see how it goes.
Hope to see you there!
http://members.boardhost.com/ACODsupport/
I posted on this site a few months back after my parents announced that they were getting divorced after 25 years. Even after 1 year to deal with it, I still feel so deeply alone.
While I appreciate that this site exists, it's simply not as good of a forum for support as it could be, and many of the other sites this one has suggested are sadly defunct, so I made this little message board where we can have discussions and maybe even be of help to each other.
It's very bare-bones, but we'll see how it goes.
Hope to see you there!
http://members.boardhost.com/ACODsupport/
May 28, 2009 9:12 PM
Guest :
My mother called me last night in tears to tell me that she has called it
quits on her and my fathers marriage. I have been crying ever since, it
hurts so much. I am lucky I guess that I don't live at home anymore but I
always thought that I would have a family to go back to if need be. Now
it's all ruined. I am 19 and only moved out 3 months ago with my boyfriend.
I have 3 younger brothers who are 12, 15 and 17 who still live at home. I
feel especially bad for my 12 year old brother, he is so young.
The reason she left him is because he has no job and has become increasingly lazy, never helping out around the house or spending much time with my brothers, taking up smoking and sitting aound eating and sleeping all day. There is a reason for it, about 3 and a half years ago he badly injured his shoulder and had to stop working but I guess it has become too much for my mother. I have always been a daddys girl, being the only daughter and I feel so bad for my father. He has a history of depression and it really worries me. We don't know where he is which worries me even more. My mother says she feels like a bad mother and that she still loves my dad but his laziness drives her mad. Despite all of this neither me nor my brothers really saw it coming. My poor father didn't see it coming at all. I keep picturing him crying and it's tearing me up inside. I haven't spoken to him, I feel he will need time.
I am not going to take sides, I love both parents equally and I don't blame my mother for leaving him at all but it still hurts really badly, they were married for almost 21 years. I never thought this would happen to my family. We were all so happy before, I wish we could go back to how things used to be.
I can't stop crying, my poor boyfriend doesn't know what to do with me. I couldn't even face going to university today, this whole thing just sucks so much!
Reading all of these other posts has made me feel a little better though, at least I'm not the only one. I would appreciate any help though, I don't know what to do.
The reason she left him is because he has no job and has become increasingly lazy, never helping out around the house or spending much time with my brothers, taking up smoking and sitting aound eating and sleeping all day. There is a reason for it, about 3 and a half years ago he badly injured his shoulder and had to stop working but I guess it has become too much for my mother. I have always been a daddys girl, being the only daughter and I feel so bad for my father. He has a history of depression and it really worries me. We don't know where he is which worries me even more. My mother says she feels like a bad mother and that she still loves my dad but his laziness drives her mad. Despite all of this neither me nor my brothers really saw it coming. My poor father didn't see it coming at all. I keep picturing him crying and it's tearing me up inside. I haven't spoken to him, I feel he will need time.
I am not going to take sides, I love both parents equally and I don't blame my mother for leaving him at all but it still hurts really badly, they were married for almost 21 years. I never thought this would happen to my family. We were all so happy before, I wish we could go back to how things used to be.
I can't stop crying, my poor boyfriend doesn't know what to do with me. I couldn't even face going to university today, this whole thing just sucks so much!
Reading all of these other posts has made me feel a little better though, at least I'm not the only one. I would appreciate any help though, I don't know what to do.
May 28, 2009 9:44 PM
Guest :
Hello. Well, let's start from the beginning: I was the only kid on the
street who didn't have two families. My parents were married for 27 years,
and only divorced 4 years ago. I am 31 years old now, and I was told this
news while I was living in Germany with my husband. I was heartbroken. My
mom didn't understand how I could be so hurt, after all I am an adult.
There are no custody issues, I am a fully functional adult and have a
family of my own. Regardless, I still felt as though my world had fallen
apart. I had set the standard of my marriage to my parents devotion and
longevity.
Fast forward to this past weekend: my father married a woman who is similar to my mom, only not as insane (I was the best-woman in this unconventional wedding). Tonight, my mom called me and put me on a three-way call with her current fiance (she has had 3 since the divorce). I was OK until after the phone call. Now, I feel as if I am being pushed to take on too much too soon. I am sitting here in tears wondering if I should finish off the other half of the Ben & Jerry's in the freezer or run to the store for smokes (I quit smoking years ago). It would be better if I went for a run, I guess, but it is very late and there are coyotes where I live.
Anyway, I have asked my mom to give me time and she has agreed, but now, I will be meeting her fiance in like 3 weeks. I think I am getting too old to bounce back so quickly. My mom is trying to tell me all this negative stuff about my dad, but she is the one who left him to pursue a truck driving career. I am worried that sh*t will hit the fan when I meet them (it will be in a family reunion setting) and that our relationship will undergo serious strain. But, I can't just be her supportive friend. I am not sure I would want to if I weren't her daughter.
I am not sure what to do with all of this emotion. I am not really an emotional person (my husband says I am more of a man than he is), so dealing with all of these feelings is becoming increasingly difficult. Any suggestions would be much appreciated.
Fast forward to this past weekend: my father married a woman who is similar to my mom, only not as insane (I was the best-woman in this unconventional wedding). Tonight, my mom called me and put me on a three-way call with her current fiance (she has had 3 since the divorce). I was OK until after the phone call. Now, I feel as if I am being pushed to take on too much too soon. I am sitting here in tears wondering if I should finish off the other half of the Ben & Jerry's in the freezer or run to the store for smokes (I quit smoking years ago). It would be better if I went for a run, I guess, but it is very late and there are coyotes where I live.
Anyway, I have asked my mom to give me time and she has agreed, but now, I will be meeting her fiance in like 3 weeks. I think I am getting too old to bounce back so quickly. My mom is trying to tell me all this negative stuff about my dad, but she is the one who left him to pursue a truck driving career. I am worried that sh*t will hit the fan when I meet them (it will be in a family reunion setting) and that our relationship will undergo serious strain. But, I can't just be her supportive friend. I am not sure I would want to if I weren't her daughter.
I am not sure what to do with all of this emotion. I am not really an emotional person (my husband says I am more of a man than he is), so dealing with all of these feelings is becoming increasingly difficult. Any suggestions would be much appreciated.
Jun 8, 2009 5:57 PM
Guest :
Like so many postings here, I am a 28-year-old daughter of parents who just
announced to me that they are divorcing. My situation differs, however, in
that the three of us (mom, dad & me) are employed by our family
business. Aside from all the family drama involved in a divorce, I have the
added drama of work. My father cornered me tonight asking my opinion on how
he should handle settling the financial issues of buying m mom's stock in
the corporation, and called her lawyer a shark that was out to get him. I
have a feeling that the next few months are going to get very ugly and I
can't escape any of it, since it affects my work life too. I feel like I've
been backed into a corner - in this financial market I'd never be able to
find a job that would financially compensate me as well as my family's
business does, so leaving work & finding another job isn't feasible. I
hope I can find the inner strength to get through this tough time, but
today I guess I'm having a hard time keeping my chin up & finding that
strength to rely on. On top of it all, my husband and I are starting to try
to have a baby, but I wonder if all this stress & turbulance is a good
environment for me to be making such a huge life decision.
Jun 9, 2009 11:08 AM
Guest :
so glad i found this website i thought i was just going crazy myself. My
parents are in the middle of a nasty divorce and my wedding is less than
two weeks away. All my life the only thing they are worried about is
themselves and how they look to other people. They don't really care about
how much they are hurting me and my sister. I also can't stand how my mom
wants everyone to feel sorry for her every minute of everyday. Mom lies,
dad lies even the lawyers are lying it is driving me and fiance crazy.
Now mom wants me to not sit her next to my dad at the wedding to which I
told her to grow up and get over it that they can handle sitting by each
other for one night. Can anybody help?
Jun 22, 2009 7:09 PM
Guest :
I am a mom of 2 adult kids and a 17 year old. My husband left me after 26
years. He had an affair and has a sex addiction. My kids know that he had
an affair, they know that he has not provided money at times since the
separation. The 2 older ones have spoken with their dad and even though
they say it is not the same and they don't trust him. The 17 year old has
not spoken to his dad since the separation. I am actually a little angry
that the older 2 are seemingly getting along with their dad, even though
they are angry at him. I have encouraged the youngest to contact his dad
and have him in counseling to help. Why am I not better able to handle this
with the kids?
Jul 2, 2009 9:44 PM
Guest :
Wow. Most of the comments are from adults who are dealing with their
parents recent divorce.
For those of you who are adults going through a divorce, find another chat room. This is like the one place that we can go to vent. So please, do us a favor and butt out.
That being said; I am a 24 year old newly-wed. My parent's marriage exploded when my mother had my father arrested and I had to bail him out of jail. I was given the honor of telling my 18 year old and 21 year old siblings the fantastic news that my parents 26 year marriage was over. My brother won't discuss it and my sister is handling it with a grace that I can not find. I spent a lot of time trying to "fix" things. Supporting my mother, father, trying to plan a wedding. Finally my husband and I said screw it and married in Vegas without any of them. Our extended family was really close sharing weekends and holidays we thought we were so blessed.It still makes me sad to think that I had no one to share my special day with. In the aftermath of the announcement sides were chosen, the police were involved, and I had to begin taking Valium to save myself. I finally realized that their marriage is their problem. I now refuse to discuss it with them and have developed a nasty habit of gossiping; discouraging anyone from telling me things that need to be "kept secret" from their ex-spouses. Yes, my relationship with my family has suffered and will never be as it was before. I am crying as I write this. It truly breaks my heart. They were my whole support systems. But if this divorce has taught me anything it is how to be my own person. So those of you who are out there dealing with this crap everyday, hang in there. Try to think only about yourself for a while; I think it might be the only way to survive. Is this post sad and jaded? Absolutely; but so am I. I hope this advice helps someone. We need to band together. As one we are a minority but as a group we can learn from and send love to others like us who need it.
For those of you who are adults going through a divorce, find another chat room. This is like the one place that we can go to vent. So please, do us a favor and butt out.
That being said; I am a 24 year old newly-wed. My parent's marriage exploded when my mother had my father arrested and I had to bail him out of jail. I was given the honor of telling my 18 year old and 21 year old siblings the fantastic news that my parents 26 year marriage was over. My brother won't discuss it and my sister is handling it with a grace that I can not find. I spent a lot of time trying to "fix" things. Supporting my mother, father, trying to plan a wedding. Finally my husband and I said screw it and married in Vegas without any of them. Our extended family was really close sharing weekends and holidays we thought we were so blessed.It still makes me sad to think that I had no one to share my special day with. In the aftermath of the announcement sides were chosen, the police were involved, and I had to begin taking Valium to save myself. I finally realized that their marriage is their problem. I now refuse to discuss it with them and have developed a nasty habit of gossiping; discouraging anyone from telling me things that need to be "kept secret" from their ex-spouses. Yes, my relationship with my family has suffered and will never be as it was before. I am crying as I write this. It truly breaks my heart. They were my whole support systems. But if this divorce has taught me anything it is how to be my own person. So those of you who are out there dealing with this crap everyday, hang in there. Try to think only about yourself for a while; I think it might be the only way to survive. Is this post sad and jaded? Absolutely; but so am I. I hope this advice helps someone. We need to band together. As one we are a minority but as a group we can learn from and send love to others like us who need it.
Jul 10, 2009 5:15 PM
Guest :
does anybody know, if your child wants to move out of house at the age of
18, and still going to school is a parent responsible for child support? he
wANTS to live at his buddys house and i think the buddy moms is going to
come after me for $
Jul 28, 2009 8:39 PM
Guest :
I hope someone out there can commiserate with and help me. I'm 21 years
old, I just graduated from college, and I’m trying to plan a wedding to a
man who is currently serving a one-year tour in Iraq. To top it all off my
dad decided to leave our family about a week after I came home from
college. I woke up one morning to a phone call from my mother worrying
about where my dad was (he works the night shift). I was the only one at
home that day. My mother and brother were at work and my sister was at
school. To make a long and heart breaking story short my dad had been
having an affair (he hates that term, he prefers a relationship) for
months. We thought he had been working extra shifts. He told me that he was
leaving over the phone. He took that step because he had just called my
mother at work to tell her and she was very upset. He wanted me to check on
her. He hasn’t been home (to stay) since. The longest he’s been in our home
was for a few hours on Father’s Day. His new woman treats us like crap,
though I have never met her. She even told him that he had to choose
between us (his children) and her. He said he would never do that, though
phone calls are rare and visits even more so. He won’t even speak to my
mother about mundane aspects of life. They were (and still are) married for
24 years and together for 28. It just hurts all around. He likes to say
that the relationship between him and my mother is between them but it’s
really not. I see her pain and trust me, she is not a mopey, weepy kind of
person. I can hear her cry late at night. I don’t know what to say to help
her move on and I can’t say anything to him without it turning into a
fight. I don’t really know where I stand. I feel like vulnerable like a
small child but I can comprehend everything that’s going on. My siblings
deal in their own ways (my brother is 20 and a college senior and my sister
is 15 and a high school sophomore). None of us seem to be able to really
get past any of this because my father doesn’t provide any of us with real
answers. I don’t know what to do. It’s like we’re all just stuck in this
hell we’re supposed to call our lives. I’m losing patience with everyone.
Does anyone have any idea how this feels?
Jul 30, 2009 11:09 AM
Guest :
I have read all the comments and wish that I could give advise however I am
looking for some as well. I am 30 years old and I am married and have 1
child of my own. My Mom went away on vacation and decided not to come back.
My Dad is a complete mess, depressed and totally leaning on both my sister
and myself. I find this so hard because my Mom was my best friend, and
since this I am finding out that she lied about so much to us and for so
long, how much and how long we may never know.
My Dad lives in a very small community where everyone knows everyone and what goes on.It has been about 5 months since she left and most people feel that Dad should be over this and should not be depressed. Are they right? I hear things like "he needs to just forget her", "he needs to move on and find someone else", I think he was in love, had no idea of a problem, and is very hurt. Should I try to get my Dad to go to a therapist? I am afraid if he does not get past this I will loose him.
I do have another concern with my sister. When my Dad talks about Mom she agrees and says things like she does not want anything to do with Moms relatives, yet, when Mom talks about Dad she agrees with her. She is being two sided/ faced and it is rediculous.
As for me I have very little to say to anybody as I still cannot get over the shock and hurt this is causing, and to more than just the immediate family. My grandfather is not doing well and he has expressed to me that it is because of this seperation. Aside from the issues of this I, as mentioned before have a husband and a child so I also have them to think about and care for, my husband is supportive which is a blessing to me. I am thinking of getting a therapist or atleast an individual for my Dad to talk to for support or advise.
Sorry if this sounds like I am rambling on but that is how the thoughts go through your head. I have been looking for advise and the only thing I can say that is helping me through each day is that I know there are people out there that are going through alot worse and that with time it will get better "Time heals all". It helps to vent or write about it sometimes too. I know these posts will help some and I pray that everyone looking for help will find something that gives them even a shred of hope that they are looking for.
Good luck to you all and just remember you are not alone. Thank you to who wrote the post dated Mar. 21, 2009 12:19 P.M. The support tips are very helpful and wise.
My Dad lives in a very small community where everyone knows everyone and what goes on.It has been about 5 months since she left and most people feel that Dad should be over this and should not be depressed. Are they right? I hear things like "he needs to just forget her", "he needs to move on and find someone else", I think he was in love, had no idea of a problem, and is very hurt. Should I try to get my Dad to go to a therapist? I am afraid if he does not get past this I will loose him.
I do have another concern with my sister. When my Dad talks about Mom she agrees and says things like she does not want anything to do with Moms relatives, yet, when Mom talks about Dad she agrees with her. She is being two sided/ faced and it is rediculous.
As for me I have very little to say to anybody as I still cannot get over the shock and hurt this is causing, and to more than just the immediate family. My grandfather is not doing well and he has expressed to me that it is because of this seperation. Aside from the issues of this I, as mentioned before have a husband and a child so I also have them to think about and care for, my husband is supportive which is a blessing to me. I am thinking of getting a therapist or atleast an individual for my Dad to talk to for support or advise.
Sorry if this sounds like I am rambling on but that is how the thoughts go through your head. I have been looking for advise and the only thing I can say that is helping me through each day is that I know there are people out there that are going through alot worse and that with time it will get better "Time heals all". It helps to vent or write about it sometimes too. I know these posts will help some and I pray that everyone looking for help will find something that gives them even a shred of hope that they are looking for.
Good luck to you all and just remember you are not alone. Thank you to who wrote the post dated Mar. 21, 2009 12:19 P.M. The support tips are very helpful and wise.
Aug 3, 2009 12:30 PM
Guest :
To the person who wrote on July 28, I know exactly how you feel. I
experienced something very similar following my college graduation last
December, and I have been stuck in a home for the past seven months with
on-and-off feuding parents. The vulnerability and reversion to feeling
like a small child with the intellect of an adult is overwhelming. For
many weeks, my weeping mother became my alarm clock several days of the
week, and my seemingly heartless father continually tried to blame everyone
else for his actions (he also refuses to consider it an affair). While my
parents have not called it quits, being held in limbo for the past months
has been agonizing, because my father gives nothing but vague answers.
Every day something reminds me of a childhood memory that I had completely
forgotten, and all I long for is my happy, functional family. I have
finally landed a job in this market, and I am so happy to be getting out of
this hell I have been stuck in, though the anxiety that comes with leaving
this time is far more challenging than the anxiety I felt before leaving
for college. My family was intact then; now I might not have a home to
come back to. This whole thing was an absolute blindside. At this point,
my father has had countless opportunities to redeem himself, and it is
really easy to forgive him when he acts interested in our family and
repairing what he so severely damaged. At the same time, it is very easy
to want to just write him off when he seems so opposed to being with the
people who love him the most. Being the youngest of the children and an
adult, at this point in life, it feels not only like he has rejected our
mother, but also his children and family. This is the most painful
rejection, and its effects are deep and lasting. I used to want to be just
like my dad, but the day my hero became a villain was one of the worst
realities I have had to face. I can't even relate to my own past anymore.
Aug 17, 2009 6:00 PM
Guest :
after 3o years of marriage I am divorcing my husband, I stayed in my
marriage because I tried to leave years ago and was told I would not get
custody of my children. I endured years of "testing" from my
husband, and mistrust. My children are in college and I need to be myself
and be best that I can be. I have lived with alcoholism and emotional
abuse. It's time for me, How can I explain this to my children?
Aug 18, 2009 6:21 AM
Guest :
I am 46, been married for 27 years and for a short time last year my
husband and I separated which was my doing. Our daughters both in their
early 20's, and my husband were devastated and I ended up going back to the
marriage because of this. I am still unhappy. My parents stayed together
for 50 years until my dad died and were unhappy for as long as I can
remember. I wished over and over that they would get divorced so that they
could try to each find happiness. I'm very confused. I feel as though I
should stay in my marriage to keep everyone happy, but don't want my kids
growing up thinking their parents marriage is happy when it's not, and I
often wonder if sacrificing my own happiness is the right thing to do for
my kids?
Sep 8, 2009 5:30 PM
Guest :
I read things that say I will get over this. I never will. I never saw it
coming, especially the way that it happened. My mom cheated on my dad, and
I would have never seen that coming. She is a church person, and someone I
have looked to as basically perfect. Now all of these secrets come out
that my dad had been abusing her, that my siblings had seen and never told
me. I feel like I would have killed my father for doing that to her if I
had known. I was away at school when the majority of this went on. Other
things have come out, like I have a half brother somewhere by my dad and
that he had been selling drugs when I was a little kid. My 17 sister got
pregnant and both my parents wanted her to get an abortion, which she
didn't, and he is a wonderful boy, but then it came out that my mom had an
abortion before. It seems like they were hiding everything from me and
that nothing is what it seemed all of my lfe. They are so different now
and both had significant others from the beginning of their seperation.
All of this is not so bad for me because I am not there and I can deal with
it, but my brother is ten and they seem to treat him like me and my other
two adult sisters. I worry about the kind of person he will turn into in
this environment. He knows almost everything about it I do. It is a
combination of him seeing their permiscuous behavior, finding sex toys,
hearing sexual activities, and the lack of supervision. He and the rest of
us are pitted against the other parent, and sometimes each other. He cries
about it all of the time, and freaks out when they have to come into
contact with each other. My mom wants to bring in a new settlement, and
that will dry up any money left in the family. I'm sure I will get over
it. Ya right.
Sep 16, 2009 9:25 PM
Guest :
My dad just told me tonight that he is planning on separating from my mom.
I am 18 years old. I am in the middle of performing in a musical (H2S) with
my dad in it as well. I am taking 5 college classes worth about 19 credits
total. I am performing in another musical which is causing a lot of stress
added to all that. I don't feel like I am grown up yet. I don't think I am
ready to grow up completely. There are a lot of things I still need to
learn. I don't know how to deal with this. I don't know if I want to have
anything to do with either parent or if I should move out and away from
both parents (maybe stay with a friend) or stay with my mom. I am not ready
to live without them. I don't know what to do. I would love any and all
advice. Thank you
Sep 21, 2009 12:06 AM
Guest :
In response to the above comment. I really do feel for you. To drop this on
you isn't fair. It seems whichever parent wants to divorce drops the info
at the worst ever time. I don't know if this is because they are just
thinking of themselves or there is never a right time.
My mother and father are divorcing after 38 years of marriage. I'm 34 and the divorce has been dragging on for far too long. It seems my mother has now turned all her so called morals around to suit her. She has been having an affair. She ran off one day! No explanation to me (who I might add was going through my own break up with ex fiance at the time- very bad time) I had to contact the police to find her. I've not heard from her in 18 months now! She has my mobile number. It seems she wants everything on her terms?? What a mess!! Her lover who spoke to a member of the family seems to think everything will be alright between my mother and I after the divorce?? What does he know? Everyone thinks he is stopping her from seeing me until the divorce is over. Quite frankly it's not enough. It's too late and any kind of relationship with my mother has now been destroyed. My mother left behind a very distraught husband (my father). He is ruined financially and will need my help. She disgusts me. There is so much more to tell about this whole sorry drama but it's been hell! The mental and psychological suffering she has caused and lies has been absolutely mind bending! I'm told this can happen with an affair. They will do anything and say anything to make it ok in their mind. To turn on your blood is unforgiveable and this is one person who will never be speaking to her mother again. People seem to think I will change my mind but they have certainly not been through what I have. I needed my mother at the time too. It has to be said she was never a sympathetic nurturing mother and this saga is a typical example of the kind of mother she always was. I now never ever want to marry or have children and I'm with a man recently divorced. We both support eachother emotionally and understand where both of us are coming from in what we want from life now...........A sad, sad story!
My mother and father are divorcing after 38 years of marriage. I'm 34 and the divorce has been dragging on for far too long. It seems my mother has now turned all her so called morals around to suit her. She has been having an affair. She ran off one day! No explanation to me (who I might add was going through my own break up with ex fiance at the time- very bad time) I had to contact the police to find her. I've not heard from her in 18 months now! She has my mobile number. It seems she wants everything on her terms?? What a mess!! Her lover who spoke to a member of the family seems to think everything will be alright between my mother and I after the divorce?? What does he know? Everyone thinks he is stopping her from seeing me until the divorce is over. Quite frankly it's not enough. It's too late and any kind of relationship with my mother has now been destroyed. My mother left behind a very distraught husband (my father). He is ruined financially and will need my help. She disgusts me. There is so much more to tell about this whole sorry drama but it's been hell! The mental and psychological suffering she has caused and lies has been absolutely mind bending! I'm told this can happen with an affair. They will do anything and say anything to make it ok in their mind. To turn on your blood is unforgiveable and this is one person who will never be speaking to her mother again. People seem to think I will change my mind but they have certainly not been through what I have. I needed my mother at the time too. It has to be said she was never a sympathetic nurturing mother and this saga is a typical example of the kind of mother she always was. I now never ever want to marry or have children and I'm with a man recently divorced. We both support eachother emotionally and understand where both of us are coming from in what we want from life now...........A sad, sad story!
Sep 22, 2009 6:57 PM
Guest :
I am 28 and my parents are getting divorced after 35 years of marriage.
They've been saying they're getting divorced for 1.5 years though and they
are still living in the same house - but don't talk to each other. Neither
by sibling nor I live close to them. I honestly think they are both
clinically depressed - to the point that they are paralyzed from being able
to make a decision to make this move forward. My dad doesn't talk to me
anymore and my mom talks to me about her work and my work - and rarely
brings up my dad or getting divorced. I have no idea how to create
boundaries or to get them to hurry up and get divorced ... I'm so sick of
the state of limbo and its stressing me out and making me doubt my capacity
to have a relationship. What should I do?
- Trailrunner
- Trailrunner
Sep 25, 2009 4:02 PM
Guest :
Can I do anything for my grown children (early twenties)to help them cope
with divorce, i do not talk bad about my exhusband but even then i know the
kids must miss him, even though they saw his distructiv actions, i bet they
hope it was different. they dont want to talk about it with me and dont
want to see a professional. the divorce happened this year, 09.
Sep 29, 2009 3:00 PM
Guest :
Hi, I am 25, married with one child and another on the way. My Dad has
been having affairs since I was 4. My parents were going to divorce after
my mom found out about one when I was 10 years old. I wish they would
have. My dad continued in his unfaithfulness until couple years ago when
my mom found him emailing other women. They were going to get divorced,
but somehow he convinced her to stay permanently separated. I don't know
how many times I have been told it is "not about me." Why then
can I not sleep without having dreams about yelling at my parents? Why
can't I go 4 days without crying over it? I would love to be on depression
medicine, but I am pregnant. I don't understand why my parents are told to
only think about themselves and not how this affects their children.
Seriously, if I didn't have any kids I would probably give up on life.
Oct 3, 2009 11:08 AM
Guest :
I am 22 years old, a senior in college. In January of this year my mother
sat me down and told me she was leaving my father. That he had been having
an affair with his secretary (a phrasing which he doesn't like. He prefers
a relationship with someone he respects) and that she had been unhappy
since I was in elementary school. I told my mother that she should do what
would make her happy and I would support her. She seems to have taken this
to mean she can call me in the middle of the night and insult my father for
hours on end, that she can ask me to steal things from his office for her,
and to help her pay for her divorce attorney.
My Father likes to tell me that he is being the 'adult' in all this, that he would never put that kind of pressure on me. But when I say I don't want to get to know his new girlfriend (she is 26 and doesn't speak English) he calls me prejudice and tells me I have no right to judge him. He is still legally married to my mother. And I had known her back when she was just the secretary, I had helped her little sister get into college in America. The fact that I feel betrayed by her as well doesn't seem to enter the equation. My father also tells me about how he wants to have kids with her. When I say I'm not interested in being part of his new family, he says I'm being selfish. I want to yell and scream back at him, but I know that will accomplish nothing. And someone has to be the 'adult'.
I know that I am an adult, but these are my parents, and when I am 40 they will still be my parents and it is not fair for them to ask me to treat them as if they are my friends. Frankly, right now, I wouldn't want to be friends with either of them.
My Father likes to tell me that he is being the 'adult' in all this, that he would never put that kind of pressure on me. But when I say I don't want to get to know his new girlfriend (she is 26 and doesn't speak English) he calls me prejudice and tells me I have no right to judge him. He is still legally married to my mother. And I had known her back when she was just the secretary, I had helped her little sister get into college in America. The fact that I feel betrayed by her as well doesn't seem to enter the equation. My father also tells me about how he wants to have kids with her. When I say I'm not interested in being part of his new family, he says I'm being selfish. I want to yell and scream back at him, but I know that will accomplish nothing. And someone has to be the 'adult'.
I know that I am an adult, but these are my parents, and when I am 40 they will still be my parents and it is not fair for them to ask me to treat them as if they are my friends. Frankly, right now, I wouldn't want to be friends with either of them.
Oct 3, 2009 5:17 PM
Guest :
This article's helped, my parents are currently going through a divorce
(it's my mam who left my dad) and she told me by a letter after finishing
my last uni exams, I'm 21 and they were married for 27 years. I've taken it
really bad but keep my feelings locked inside as I don't want to be a
burden crying all the time and just feel so sorry for my Dad who's now on
his own as I chose to carry on with another year at uni. I decided to live
with my dad, at first as I was so shocked my mother would do this and
because i didnt want to live in a tiny town miles away from my hometown,
and because i was worried for my dad that he may drink n harm himself or
something, although he's shocked me by being the mature one and remembering
to treat me as their child and guard me from it as much as he can. I
haven't spoke to my mother and vise versa for 3 months now and it makes me
cry everyday when im by myself, so im considering councelling as i miss
her, but then think she can;t miss me as she'd have contacted me. she has
practically shut me and my dad off from her life, im lucky i have brothers
who she is still in contact with as they didnt take the news so bad. she
doesnt even know what masters course i've chosen in uni or my new
address.
anyway, from reading other comments, it's so important to let your kids know you love them and will always be there for them, at the moment, I only know this from my Dad. The children shouldnt have to deal with the emotional guilt of chosing who to live with etc, the guilt i've been made to feel keeps driving me to want to crash my car when it's dark, just to see if my mother would care if i was in hospital or dead.
sorry for having a rant but i just don't know how to deal with it, when i was growing up and saw families with two households etc, i used to think they werent normal in some kind of way, and now mine's become one and it just hurts so much.
anyway, from reading other comments, it's so important to let your kids know you love them and will always be there for them, at the moment, I only know this from my Dad. The children shouldnt have to deal with the emotional guilt of chosing who to live with etc, the guilt i've been made to feel keeps driving me to want to crash my car when it's dark, just to see if my mother would care if i was in hospital or dead.
sorry for having a rant but i just don't know how to deal with it, when i was growing up and saw families with two households etc, i used to think they werent normal in some kind of way, and now mine's become one and it just hurts so much.
Oct 4, 2009 10:30 PM
Guest :
My mother in law told us 3 weeks after our wedding that they were splitting
up. She is now remarried to a family friend. We live far away from her and
asked if she would like to come for Grandparents day for our 6 year old.
Sure only with her husband though. She is putting us in a place were we are
the bad guys. She never calls or emails to see how the kids are doing and
when she does the kids could care less because they don't know her. She
only visits twice a year and when she does she thinks money buys love. She
will not come with out her husband and says that we are makign her choose
us over her husbnad. They fight all the time and we just want her to spend
some quality time with them alone. Again it is grandparents day and he is
not their grandpa. Are we wrong?
Oct 9, 2009 10:32 PM
Guest :
I am so glad I found this website. Just reading people's comments gives me
comfort in realizing that people feel the exact same way I do. It has been
at least two years since I felt that something between my parent s was just
not right, and a year and a half since I learned about my dads interest in
another woman. There have been so many chances for him to come back and
turn things around. I feel like my world is in limbo. I have a younger
brother and I am scared that all the yelling and seeing his mom cry so much
will affect him later in life. I wish I could do something to change my
dad. It is easy to forgive and repair the damage my dad has done. But then
when he acts like he doesnt care about family or us, I just want to forget
about him and move on. I cant go longer than a few days without thinking
about this and wondering what the holidays will be like if/when my parents
divorce. I am scared confused, and just wish it could be like the old days
when I had a healthy happy "normal" family.
Oct 10, 2009 7:09 PM
Guest :
So glad I found this site, and found there are people out there who are
going through similar things as I am. I am 25, and my parents are divorcing
after 34 years of marriage. I have 1 older sister, 30. I didn't know that
my mom cheated on my dad years ago with a former classmate she met at a
Special Ed school she worked at. I just knew that there was always this
distance in my parents marriage, now I assume because of it, and I also
found out that my mom has a perscription drug problem and a problem with
drugs themselves, and my dad seems to be a functional alcoholic, and also
has issues with being racist,. So neither of them are greatest people. A
couple years ago, my parents were having problems, my mom was constantly
putting down my dad for not doing enough around the house and my dad was
always complaining about my mom spending too much money. My parents hadn't
so much fought, as complained to me about each other and let their feelings
escalate, so when they did fight they were so angry, it always went badly.
Around this time, against my dad's wishes, because of having the previous
affair when she went there, my mom, who had been unemployed for a year,
decided to take a job at the school where she used to work. There, she met
a black man, a former student who helps out there, and is about 20 or so
years younger than her. To this day, she denies she has done anything
wrong, her lying about where she was constantly and her cell phone bill
showing her constantly calling this guy proves to me there is something
going on. Then she brought him on a family vacation last Oct., (dad didn't
go) and finally on New Years, my sister and I sat my dad down and told him
what we knew. My mom moved out shortly after. Thing is, I'm 25, and
everyone acts like this shouldn't bother me,dad keeps saying how it's a
"blessing" this didn't happen when were kids. I couldn't disagree
more. I'm not on my own, while I have a job, I cannot currently afford it.
When my dad moves, I am going to be forced to chose who I want to live
with, my dad and my mom are not planning on living close together, so I
basically have to chose 1 parent I want out of my life, while I want them
both gone. Since I am an adult everyone expects me to be okay with this and
support my parents, and I have noone to support me. My sister and I aren't
close I don't want to live with her. I don't have any friends I can room
with. I have no shoulder to cry on. Please e-mail me at
AlisonParkerHanson@hotmail.com if
Oct 10, 2009 7:38 PM
Guest :
(cont of last post) if you have any advice. I feel like everyone will think
I am being immature and I'll be accused of not handling things well enough
if I let people know just how hard this has been on me. I mean wouldn't
this be normal for anyone? Wouldn't anyone have a hard time dealing with
such awful revelations about their parents? That their parents r not the
people they thought they were? I feel most of the time I'm having an
internal emotional meltdown and it's a struggle to not let it show. It
would be so much better if this had happened when I had already moved out,
but there is nothing I can do about that. I cannot just hope the situation
will somehow resolve itself. If I were a child, I would have people care
about my feelings more, and I wouldn't be forced to make these hard
decisions. My parents can no longer communicate and at least if some other
lawyer or mediator was involved and I was younger, some kind of agreement
would be drawn up, I would have to decide where to live and who I'd be
celebrating holidays and birthdays with. Being a grown up kid living at
home feels like the worst case scenario. Also, I am not currently in a
relationship, and having seen my parents marriage, which was so horrible,
it makes me not even want to persue a relationship or marriage. I have no
faith in it. I feel like one marriage has already ruined my life, and I
don't want to let another. I just feel like I cannot have a successful
marriage because I didn't have one modeled for me. Statistics show kids of
divorce, often divorce themselves, that scares me. My parents got along
ago, but they just never seemed that happy, and a kid picks up on that. I
hate how my parents act like they did me and my sister such a
"favor" by waiting to divorce until now. It's like telling your
child, "I stayed unhappy because of you" What kind of guilt is
that to put on your child? Guess it all turns around, because now I'm the
one forced to be unhappy because of them. My advice to all you parents out
there, don't stay in a bad marriage til ur children are older. Its not
doing anyone any favors. Its like ripping a band aid off slowly to prolong
the pain, instead of just ripping it off quickly and getting it over with.
Kids are resilient, they get over things easier. Adults don't, that coupled
with AKOD's often not getting the help we need, makes me think it is
actually much worse to put ur kids through this when they r adults. E-mail
AlisonParkerHanson@hotmail.com w/advice
Oct 10, 2009 7:43 PM
Guest :
(Con't of previous) Not to mention this makes me feel I like I have the
worst two parents in the world. My mom says how she doesn't talk bad about
my dad, but she sits there crying telling, "I'm not doing anything
horrible to him, even though he is being horrible to me", which is
basically a way of saying, "I want you to feel sorry for me and not
like your father", and my dad has done the same. I get sick of hearing
them cry to their friends when I have no one to cry to. I am just sorry my
parents ever brought me into those world put me through this. I apologize
for all the posting, but I just felt like I needed to get this all out. I
just feel like I want to hide from the world, and forget that my family
exist. If you have any advice please e-mail AlisonParkerHanson@hotmail.com.
Oct 10, 2009 11:26 PM
Guest :
im glad to have found this article.. i feel like there are a lot of similar
cases to mine... i'm almost 20 years old and i came from a very close
family, until i found out that my dad had been unfaithful. my parents dated
for more than ten years before they got married and were married for almost
25 before they seperated. my dad had been having numerous affairs that tore
my family apart. i carry so much anger although i still love my father. i
hardly get to seem him and i feel like he doesn't care for my brother (17)
or me anymore. my mom has been having a difficult time coping but now is
overcoming everything. i dont know how to heal from these events...
Oct 13, 2009 2:12 PM
Guest :
I'm 24 and my parents are getting divorced. Horrible things have unraveled
in a very short amount of time. A month and half ago My mom found out my
dad was having an affair - and he said he was leaving. She attempted to end
her own life and was in the hospital for over 2 weeks. My dad, almost 60,
said the woman was in her 30's. I have an 18 yr old brother away at
school.My family meant the world to me,I was very close with them, I was
devastated. Then it got worse-I found emails from the woman saying awful
things about me,such as:"I just want to forget about your daughter so
I can stop hating her to this poisonous degree.""I have nothing
nice to say about your daughter(having never seen in her the slightest
inkling of goodness)""She's not the one getting divorced and she
doesn't even live at home anymore so it only impacts her inside her
head(her poor shattered worldview)" She is mocking me here, I told my
dad many times my whole world had been shattered. I had never met the
woman, so clearly my dad was painting a horrible picture of me. I had
always been VERY close to my dad, he was an amazing father- this was
unbelievable. I confronted him expecting him to realize how horrible this
was and how much it hurt me, and all he did was defend her. He told me she
thought I was spoiled and he said it's female jealousy and "I'm sorry
you had to see it." He claimed he didn't like it when she said these
things, but figured I'd never hear it so it wasn't a big deal. Then, a
week later I found out she was 22. As if this wasn't sickening enough, more
horrible things continued to happen. I tried so hard to show my dad I
needed him - to snap him out of it - but he didn't get it - he became
someone I did not know- he slapped me across the face and then mocked me
for crying, he left me crying hysterically on a curb at midnight, I told
him he was going to lose me and he said he understood. I told him I can't
have him in my life while he is involved in this inappropriate relationship
and until he realizes what he's done and gets help. He couldn't believe I
asked him to choose. This was when he left me on the curb crying. I haven't
seen or spoken to him since (in over 2 weeks). I'm devastated and not doing
well.I feel like he's gone forever. I don't think it could ever be normal
again. He seems to think that since I'm an adult I should be ok. This
situation is so messed up- almost unreal- like fiction. If anyone has
insight or advice my email is: crtnvernon724@gmail.com
Oct 13, 2009 10:17 PM
Guest :
Wow there is alot of comments. Well I am 24 and my mom decided to divorce
my dad becuase she didn't love him any more(stupid).So me and my mom were
like best friends I had a 10 month old and a 3 year old at the time and was
married and had our own home so to help her out I let her move in with us
and then later made the desision to move into a biogger house so she could
live with us until she got on her feet.1 moth later with no notice met some
guy off the internet and just left us hanging with this new huge rent
payment and moved out with him 2 weeks after dating him.We had to move
again.My granfather got hit riding his bycicle by a car and killed him. My
father had to move in with my grandmother and so we moved unto my dads old
house(thank god that worked out)NOw 1 year later after forgiving my mother
of all the bad things she had done and trying to give her new husband(oh ya
she got married two months later after they had dated) a chance even though
I hated him. My mother is a completely different person she is all about
moneysnobby and of the world we were raised as small town down to
earth,church going loving humble people and I know she is just acting the
same way as her husband because she loves him and dosn't want him to leave
her shes desperate. Well hes so rude to me when my grandma was dying he
wanted for me to go take care of my other grandma so he could be at the
hospital with my mother he yelled at me and I told my mom and she made
excuses for him and told me it was my fault and my mother would never do
that before and I told her what happen to you you use to be such a good mom
and she told me no I wasn't because look what you and your brother turned
out to be.(just because we had chosethesmall goodthing over money she now
thinks were falures we both have very stable loving happy lives before this
divorce. Then I told her I didn't want to talk to her again and then I felt
like that wasn't the adult thing to do so she called a week later and I
said thatI was sorry and she was just like oh yah im sorry did you get my
e-mailand I was thinking ok the real appology was there and I checked it
and it said miss you call me,and her reason for calling me was because she
said she was tired of not talking to me anymore. So really what I think she
just wanted to see my kids or didn't like tnot talking to me not sorry just
didn't like the repocusions of her actions and now I dont know what to do I
have every right not to have her in my life. What do I do?
Oct 19, 2009 5:14 AM
Guest :
i haven't read all the comments but ive skimmed thrpguh it. I'm 19 and im
on this site because i'm fed up with my parents divorce. its funny how
things can go from perfect to ruins in such a short timeframe. my parents
still fight-it may not be directly but its defiantely throguh me. im stuck
because i chose not to side with anyone and it annoys me like crazy.
sometimes i feel like my parents do things throguh me inspite of eachother.
i hate it. im always stuck in the middle and i can never win with it. its
been over 2 yrs and they still cant put it to peace. i really don;t knwo
what to do. it affects my study, my happiness, sometimes i feel like
shutting the world off.
Nov 30, 2009 3:28 PM
Guest :
I have read a lot of the comments. My parents divorced when I was 24. I
have been on my mom's side all this years. But I know it is both of my
parents' problem. My sister can balance very well. I always feel angry when
I talk with her about our parents. I agree she is much maturer than me. I
envy her all these years. I know I need grow out of it. I write it out so
that other people who are similar to me know you are not alone. But I think
I will grow out of it.
Jan 13, 2010 10:32 PM
Guest :
I know no one has posted here in a while. I wanted to say that I loved this
article. My parents are divorcing after 35yrs of marriage. My Mother has
been ill for six years. The result, dialysis three times a week. My father
told my mother that he basically just doesn't want to take care of a sick
person anymore. To describle divorce as an overall feeling... you would
have to come from divorce, there is no other feeling like it. You feel all
these emotions at once. I am thankful for my loving and devoted Husband
everyday of my life. He has gotten me through a lot of things. Also I find
it helpful to talk to a counselor. It's just nice to talk to someone who is
objective and nonjudgmental. It really does help. Thank you everyone for
taking time to read this. I wish everyone on here happiness. God Bless You
All.
Brynn
Brynn
Jan 15, 2010 7:31 PM
Guest :
I was 38 when my parents divorced after 40 years of what all would have
considered a good marriage. 10 years later my dad has disowned us because
we won't continue to choose his side. It is painful for us all but we
won't live in anger and hate. He is like a child saying, "I hate my
mommy!" All because it doesn't go his way! The advantage of being an
adult is that I know I love him so if he wants to have the illusion that I
don't that is all on him!
Jan 18, 2010 7:45 AM
Guest :
Divorce changes a kid forever!!! and not for good. The winers that say
"my parents stayed together and wern't happy". Did you ever talk
to them about it? Did they tell you that? Probably not.
Happiness is a state of mind we choose every day. Love is a choice as well. Show the kids how that works.
Divorce only when abuse is present. Otherwise work it out! It IS a state of mind.
Happiness is a state of mind we choose every day. Love is a choice as well. Show the kids how that works.
Divorce only when abuse is present. Otherwise work it out! It IS a state of mind.
Jan 26, 2010 8:30 AM
Guest :
I'm 21 and my parents recently split after 25 years of marriage. My father
has since had many girlfriends but my mother has become very depressed and
cries the majority of the time. This has put an inordinate amount of
pressure onto my sister and I and forced us to grow up very quickly. I
think the hardest thing about being an Adult Child of Divorce is the
expectation by your parents and everyone else that you are unaffected and
okay. It is this expectation and need to be strong that i think creates a
huge burden and pressure on A.C.O.Ds.
I am currently in my final year at University and for my radio project, i am looking at A.C.O.Ds like myself. If anyone would be happy to speak to me about their experiences, I would really appreciate it. I feel it is very important that we highlight the difficulties that we go through.
The radio project will only ever be shown to my lecturer and i can guarantee you anonymity if that is preferable.
Additionally, i am based in the UK, so it would be ideal if the A.C.O.Ds i speak to are too. But this isn't a necessity.
Thank you in advance.
Laura R
I am currently in my final year at University and for my radio project, i am looking at A.C.O.Ds like myself. If anyone would be happy to speak to me about their experiences, I would really appreciate it. I feel it is very important that we highlight the difficulties that we go through.
The radio project will only ever be shown to my lecturer and i can guarantee you anonymity if that is preferable.
Additionally, i am based in the UK, so it would be ideal if the A.C.O.Ds i speak to are too. But this isn't a necessity.
Thank you in advance.
Laura R
Jan 31, 2010 6:37 AM
Guest :
Thank you for this article, I'm now 28, but at the time of my parents
divorce, I was 23 and was heavily involved in the entire situation. Both my
parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, threw me into the middle of the
entire situation - which unfolded in what seemed to be a flash. (we were a
happy family until that 1 day). Arguments back and forth, it was
exceptionally hard. Since then, I've tried to move on with my life,
successful career, successful personal relationship. But I am still at
home, looking after one of my parents, they both haven't been able to move
on from the divorce, both still are lonely people, I feel like Im a baby
sitter sometimes. Watching over them, hoping they don't end up alone. I
know so much time has passed, yet, I feel I am still stuck in this
situation, can't leave them alone, etc.
This article has given me the motivation to try and find some help regarding my situation. If I cannot help them, hopefully I can help myself finally move beyond the situation.
To anyone in their early twenties dealing with this, my biggest word of advice is to stay out of it. Don't listen to any of the situation. Be there for them, but move on. Don't become a part of it. I lost my twenties because of this, don't do the same to you. Even though I am successful, I still feel I have not been able to actually live. I used to be a socialite, now I hardly even go out on social occasions.
This article has given me the motivation to try and find some help regarding my situation. If I cannot help them, hopefully I can help myself finally move beyond the situation.
To anyone in their early twenties dealing with this, my biggest word of advice is to stay out of it. Don't listen to any of the situation. Be there for them, but move on. Don't become a part of it. I lost my twenties because of this, don't do the same to you. Even though I am successful, I still feel I have not been able to actually live. I used to be a socialite, now I hardly even go out on social occasions.
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